Natural Childbirth:
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

The following are two of the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest:
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!'"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

SURPRISE!!
An eye-doctor was having his 40-year birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed. Eagerly, the doctor removed and looked down on the cake and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes. The guest asked him why he laughed. After some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist."

A biology major was taking a cell biology course. The task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under a microscope. They had to scrape the inside of their mouths with a toothpick and make a slide from it and record the different types of cells that were found.One girl in the class was having some trouble identifying some cells. She called the professor over to ask him.After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he looked up and said in a loud voice, "Those are sperm cells."

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!""Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie". She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order?" Again, he says, "I want a quickie." She slaps him again and says,"I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

DRUNK IN PUBLIC:
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

There was a young man who was so well endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems. The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him, and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. He sees two women at the other end of the bar and sits down beside them and asks if he can buy them a beer. They say, " Sure, but you're not getting us in bed because we're lesbians."The guy asks, "What is a lesbian?."One of the women replies, "Well, it means we like woman more than men"The guy then yells, "Hey bartender get us three lesbians a beer!"

TRUE STORY:

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky.' Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL., while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows and Armstrong went to get the ball. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

QUICK ONE-LINERS... SOUNDS LIKE JAY LENO:

This Paula Jones lawsuit is making more people come forward. Today a woman claimed Al Gore took her to a motel once where he proceeded to loosen his tie.

According to the Department of Commerce, 1997 will be a record year for people visiting the U.S. from other countries. 8,900,000 are expected to visit from Mexico, and over seven of them will be going back home.

Anybody know what happened this week in 1839? Abner Doubleday invented baseball. And it saved his reputation. Because before he invented baseball, he was just known as the guy who scratched himself a lot.

Today is the 25th Anniversary of the Watergate break-in. Of course you know, that's when the Republicans broke into Democratic headquarters, looking for their secret plans and their platform. It also marked the last time the Democrats had any ideas worth stealing.

In Toronto, Canada, there is a museum that displays nothing but different types of contraceptive devices. Of course, here in America we call that the Kennedy Compound.

There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in America. And the doll is anatomically correct. Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't you think? Finally a male doll with something down there, he turns out to be gay. Isn't that every woman's nightmare?

IF ACTORS WERE TREATED AS FIREARMS
SAFETY PROCEDURES FOR THE USE AND HANDLING OF ACTORS POST IN A PROMINENT PLACE IF ACTORS ARE USED IN YOUR PRODUCTION

The stage manager should carefully train all personnel in the safe use of any actors that must be handled. Be honest if you have no knowledge about actors. Do no overstate your qualifications. This could be potentially fatal.
Respect and treat all actors as if they are loaded and deadly.
Use simulated or dummy actors whenever possible.
Unless you are actually performing or rehearsing, all actors must be secured, by the stage manager, in an acting proof area.
Never engage in horseplay with any actor or understudy.
Never let others handle the actor for any reason.
All rehearsing of actors must me done by certified directors, stage managers or other experienced persons working under direct stage management or directorial supervision.
Never point an actor at anyone, including yourself.
Always cheat the actor by having him focus his acting to the right or left of the acting target.
If an actor is asked to focus and act directly at a living target,consult the director or stage manager for the prescribed safety procedures.
If you are the intended target of acting, make sure the person acting toward you has followed all safety procedures.
If you are required to focus your acting directly at another person, make sure there is a acting proof vest or some other solid acting proof protection between you and the focused upon actor.
Use protective shields for all off stage personnel within close proximity to any acting. See IATSE rider for level of acting protection needed.
Check the actor every time you take possession of it.
Before each use,make sure the actor has been test-acted off stage and then ask to test-actit yourself.
Watch the stage manager check for talent and attitude to be sure no foreign object (like character) or dummy (understudy) has become lodged near actor.
Live talent may never be brought into the theatre unless approved and checked by the stage manager.
Talent is extremely dangerous. Even though they do not issue live talent to actors, some have it innately and others have talent blanks that have a powerful "faking it" ability that can maim or kill.
If the director or stage manager shouts "PUT THE ACTOR DOWN, NOW!", place the actor gently on the ground, with the talent pointing in a safe direction and step back quickly.
Never attempt to adjust, modify or repair an actor yourself.
If the actor jams or malfunctions, correction must be made only by a qualified acting technician.
When a scene is completed, the actors shall be unloaded by the stage manager.
All actors must be cleaned, checked and inventoried after each performance.
If you are in a production where live actors are to be used and there is no qualified stage manager present, go immediately to the nearest phone and call Actors' Equity.
A union representative will notify the Equity SWAT team and make sure proper safeguards are followed.
If you are in a non union, AGMA or SAG situation, pray.
All state and federal acting laws must be honored at all times whenworking with actors.
Failure to do so may result in fines and possible imprisonment.

A MAN BOUGHT A DOG for his new bride. The first night, the dog made a mistake and relieved himself on the carpet. The man turned to the dog and said, "That's one!" The next day the dog got into the closet and chewed a pair of new shoes. The man turned to the dog and said, "That's two!" The next day the dog bit the mailman. Without saying a word, the man got out his rifle and shot the dog dead. His shocked wife said, "You heartless beast! How could you do such a despicable thing to my little poochie?" The man turned calmly to his wife and said, "That's one!"

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?""Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!"

UMM... THIS CHILI HAS A UNIQUE FLAVOR:
Mr. Park enters a diner for lunch. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. The waitress comes to take his order and he says,"I would like a bowl of cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "I'll just have coffee then," Mr. Park says. After a while, he notices that the guy next to him (who got the last bowl of cold chili) is finishing a rather large meal and the chili is still there. So, he asks, "Are you going to eat that bowl of chili?" The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "No, but you can have it for free." So he takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a maggot-infested dead rat in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. "That's about as far as I got," observed the other man.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart."Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A gynecologist decides that he no longer wants to be a doctor. As he's thinking about what he wants to do with his life, he decides that he wants to work on cars. So he goes to an automotive institute and takes all the necessary classes. Th final exam requires him to take apart an engine, put it back together, and then submit a paper about what he had done and how. He completes the assignment and turns it in to the instructor. When he gets the paper back, he has 150 percent. He was very excited, but curious about how he got 150 percent. He contacted the instructor for an answer. The instructor explained that he got 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting it back together, and 50% for doing everything through the muffler.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries... it's a long walk."

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "I?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

MORE JOKES