A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost. "$20 for 3 minutes" the pilot replied. "That's too much" said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so" said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears. The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses. The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. The devil offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!" "Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell.'"

ADVICE TO WOMEN FROM MEN:
- Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
- If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
- Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
- Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punch line.
- The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference.
- When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
-What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
- The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
- Sports Center starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
- If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
- Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
- You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
- Silence does not need to be filled.
- It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
- No, you can't have the remote control.

The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?" asked the doctor. "Nope," she replied. "But ah've been ultra-violated."

It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working." A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

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An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. It's contents were thus: "Doctor, your fly is undone!"

you are having a bad if :
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. his time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid,but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better." "Really?!?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it; my maid said hot water."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SILICON VALLEY WHEN:
* You make $180,000 a year, yet still can't find a place to live.
* Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away from work.
* You stop asking how much things cost but ask "How long will it take?"
* Two-thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, but you are living in PST.
* You know vast differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, Filipino, and Korean food.
* Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on the consumer market yet.
* You go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like your car.
* You think that "I'm going to Fry's" is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while, and your boss does too.
* You lost your alarm clock. You'll get to work when you get there.
* You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavour of UNIX is better.
* You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware/software companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff.
* "Your best buys..." you know the rest.
* You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr are located.
* You know who Woz is.
* You know 280 North runs west, and 680 N runs East.
* Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, the company is still the embodiment of Satan.
* Even if their stock IS worth more than yours.
* You see a billboard that says "FGPA2ASIC" and aren't phased.
* When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across the street.
* You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities.
* You scan yardsales for back issues of "Dr. Dobbs."
* Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
* Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars" right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.
* No one brings radios into work - they just use Xing Streamworks and listen to kpig.com, rebelradio.com, or other out of state stations.

SHOULD I SLOW OR STOP?:
A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?""What's the problem, officer?""Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.""Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me"."Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.""You gotta be kidding me!""It's no joke, sir". "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.""That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and?""You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?""Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!""I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.""Now sir... would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

HANGING OUT:
A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

BASIC TRUTHS FOR WOMEN:
* Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
* The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason, you've gotten sick of him.
* Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
* A woman's work that's never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
* Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
* Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
* Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
* There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
* Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.
* Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
MORE SMUTTY STUFF:
Three USA educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Colgate University allocated a budget of $500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization. The University of Texas spent $750,000 on a research program that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation. Finally, the Texas A&M University spent $3.95 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. Spotting a man on the ground, he reduces the balloon's altitude and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes! You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology", says the balloonist. "I do", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in business management." "I do", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

BLONDIE DOES IT AGAIN:
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette,and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunny sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunny sacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."

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