Chinese Torture



A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney, implying someone is home. He knocks at the door and an old man, with a beard almost to the ground, answers. The old man squints his eyes and says,

"What do you want?"

The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since then. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition, you can't mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters, "Okay, but if I do catch you, I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out here in the wilderness? Well, that night when the man came down to eat after showering, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost for three weeks, he had been many many months without companionship. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather so they couldn't keep there eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had to keep the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back into his room later that night thinking to himself, any three torture tests are worth it after that experience. The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was a huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying,

"First Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."

What a lame torture test, the man thought to himself as he reached over to open the window and throw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying

"Second worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

Seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, he jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying:

"Third worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

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