DanC's Jokes in English

Jokes in English

I created this page using jokes from other humour pages (thanks guys!) or using jokes sent to me by friends (thank you Ali, Kyshtock !). I want to expand this page so please send me good jokes!

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START YOUR IMAGINATION NOW ... WHAT AM I?

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted almost always willingly, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rythmic pulsing sound, resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. WHAT AM I???? Answer Below (but do give yourself a try first!) As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own... toothbrush.

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

DOCTOR JOKES [I'll be a doctor soon, so please don't laugh very much here]

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

DRUNK JOKES

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

HOMELESS GUYS JOKES

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

HOTEL JOKES

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

INSULTS

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

JEWISH JOKES

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The Co says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

RELATIVE JOKES

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

WIFE JOKE

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

2 guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

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