Thursday August 1, 1996

What a loser! I turned a simple process into chaos! I ran MSD on the i286 computer so I could check the COM2 port and set the jumpers on the free modem. Somehow, it screwed up DOS, the FAT, and the system files. Fortunately, baby was out running some errands. She was spared the humiliating sight of a pathetic wannabe computer nerd. When baby returned, she saw me sitting with the lavahead in my hands. She then took me to Crazy Chef Sato's for lunch. That was a delicious meal. I worked out several methods to try to get the system running. Baby had more errands to run, so I was left to my own devices again. What else could I screw up? I finally loaded the system files, but it overwrote the command shell with the temporary version I was using. I had to finagle everything to get it to work. The cheesy DOS Shell program also froze up. However, I finally discovered that it was just the intialization file that was corrupted.

I was just about ready to start on the modem project, when baby returned at 5:30pm. She had forgotten about a special meeting in Portland that she had scheduled for this evening. She also wanted to go to the gym amongst other things. There was no way we could do everything. Why are babes always like this? So, baby decided that the gym was the most important event. Sheesh! Like I really need to work these twigs after a long day with the computer!

The day was mostly overcast and rainy. Baby and I ended up going to the Good Guys for yet another nerdfest. Then, it was gym time and the Festival of the Baked Beans. I was happy that I got the i286 computer running yesterday, so I didn't work on it today. Why didn't I just leave well enough alone? I received letters from Big John and Caroll. Caroll wanted to know if I was considering moving to Salinas. Big John caught me up with the Convalescent City news. Sorry, nothing about The Bull yet. And, I have yet to hear from the Bishop. Well, hey! He's in love!

How about that Duke Nukem, huh? Duke is the hot software now. Whassup wi' dat? Okay, let's get back to business now, shall we? Fodgers and doughnuts! What more can I say? Baby and I went to Radio Shack to check out a rumor about some $89 inkjet printer. Right. Baby left for Portland to chair another meeting at The Habit. I went to Incredible Universe to check the big sale. I found a $99 inkjet printer. What was I thinking? I almost bought it until I realized I have no dough. The only printer I can afford is a 19-cent Bic pen. I then drove to Portland to see if I could catch baby at The Habit. By the time I got there, she was gone.

Baby had procured a copy of a terminal program, so I spent most of the evening working on the modem. I took a break so that we could go to the gym and eat dinner. Tuna and rice! Yep, we ate the tuna straight out of the can just like the Bush's baked beans! I finagled with the modem card and finally configured the card by winging it. I then wrote the logon script. The final test will be tomorrow.

Fodgers and doughnuts again! Have you seen that new Fodgers ad with Randy Travis? Does he really drink Fodgers? I bet you thought that you caught me, didn't you? No, neither baby or I own a tube. Sheesh! Baby went over to visit a friend for a few hours, so I was left to my own devices. I worked on the modem script and fine-tuned it. It worked perfectly. Tonight, we will have the Festival of the Baked Beans with the can of Bush's that Kevin brought with him from Seattle. This will be a day to remember. Thanks Kevin!

I am starting to feel the tension build inside me as a result of my recent situation. The outlook is about as bleak as the sky outside. So, I ate some Pop Tarts for temporary relief. I am about ready to throw in the towel, though. The sinister force is winning. I haven't got the foggiest idea about what I will do. I only know that the next leg of my journey will begin very soon.

The Festival of the Baked Beans was almost profaned by yet another misunderstanding between me and baby. Everything seemed fine today until yet another incident erupted. Perhaps it was because we were both having a bad day. I have come to realize, though, that we do not have very compatible temperaments. Or, at least that is the polite way of putting it. I can only speak for myself, as I will assume that I am the perpetrator. There are a combination of factors which have contributed to this situation. I, like The Master, have been alone too long. I have forgotten how to relate to people. Another problem is that I am an engineer. Once an engineer, always an engineer. And, we all know that the Data-like personality is not particularly embraced by babes. I have decided that it is best for me to step back before the situation escalates out of control. This is the only possible scenario now.

Another problem is that I am an engineer.

I have been grappling with what few options I have left. The most viable, at least financially, is for me to move to Hawai'i immediately. I am also still considering going back to Convalescent City for three more months, but for what? Sheesh! I will be querying the opinion of friends once I return to Cali. My itinerary will take me back to Modesto and Salinas. I will also be detouring through the Bay Area. After that, who knows?

We watched Fear of a Black Hat and To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything ... Love, Julie Newmar last night. That helped to defuse an already tense situation that was building up. I still believe that the revamping of our relationship is the best option.

I went out and ran some errands by myself. I also took the opportunity to call home from a phone booth. I remembered Al Bundy and the Phone Patrol so, you know what service I used. It was nice to talk to moms. I spent a leisurely afternoon doing some comatose activities. I am now certain that my true course in life is to be a monk. I enjoy being alone. I do not think that baby and I have been on a productive path. Had we continued, we would have seen the demise of our friendship. Now, we have no expectations. We won't be disappointed by one another's actions (or lack thereof). I also wanted to cancel the trip to Seattle this coming weekend but that would not have been wise. I expect to be leaving Oregon shortly afterward. I think the time has come for me to move on.

I was somewhat fooled by outward appearances. There were still minor problem lurking about as we continue to adjust to our redefined relationship. Our fragile coexistence was bolstered by better communication. However, I do not see us returning to where we were just a few days ago. Perhaps, that is for the better. Some things were never meant to be.

Today marks the anniversary of the first time a nuclear device was used on a human population. When I look at the current events of the day, it saddens me to think that so little has changed. Little wonder why most of us live in constant fear. We never learn lessons from the past because we are too terrorized by the present. I tried to think about what it would be like to instantly and unwittingly vanish from the surface of this planet as did the people on TWA 800. What a horrid thought. The most precious thing any of us has is our own life.

I saw True Lies for the third time last night. Baby and I watched the movie at a neighbor's place and kept the neighbor's kitty company. The movie was still as good as the first time. We are both killing time to fill in the voids created by our new arrangement. The trip to Seattle is still on for this weekend. I look forward to seeing Kevin, and meeting his new babe Sandy.

Another heatwave has hit. And, what better time to think about my pathetic situation? I am leaning toward the idea of spending a few weeks in Convalescent City in an attempt to sell the six-four and the six-five. Proceeds from the sale could provide me with enough money for a one-way ticket to Hawai'i. I'm not too keen on the idea of flying anymore. I may try to seek passage on a barge. I toyed with the idea of remaining in Cali until December. Baha! Ha! Haaaa! Can you imagine that? I would end up at some Roach Motel clone, being driven insane by crazy fools! Sheesh!

My days are filled with reading computer catalogs and playing marathon sessions of Windows Solitaire. This was not why I came up to Oregon, though. For the time being, such rote activities are innocuous enough to not increase any strife. We have had daily discussions about the moratorium that was invoked. I don't think that we have had enough time to become good friends. That will be my objective for the remainder of my time here. I am scared and saddened by the fact that we will probably not see each other for a long time after I leave. I am somehow once again reminded of my own mortality. Why does life have to be that way? The only thing I can hope for is that we will meet again someday under more favorable circumstances.

The big trip to Seattle is tomorrow. I hope it turns out to be a nice weekend. Kevin has already suggested number of things to do ... more than there are hours in the day!

We were off to a late start, but I did get to chow down on doughnuts and Fodgers. The drive to Seattle was about three hours. We arrived two hours late. Kevin has a nice place in Kirkland (named for Captain James T. Kirk), just south of Seattle. Today was a particularly nice day, actually a scorcher. When we drove up the driveway, Kevin anxiously greeted us and introduced us to his babe Sandy. We went inside and chatted with Kevin, Sandy, moms, and Lord Watson (Kevin's kitty) for about an hour or so. Kevin wanted to take us out for a short tour. We toured around Kirkland in his LeBaron convertible. We ended up having dinner at Rikki Rikki, a Japanese restaurant. After dinner, we went back to Kevin's house and chatted for a while. After Sandy left, we decided it was time to call it a day. Somehow Kevin and I ended up talking for another three hours. Of course, we discussed the babe situation. Kevin has taken a real liking to Sandy, but he is very worried that things may not work out. He thinks that he is too prone to rushing things. I enjoyed the conversation, particularly since it filled the need for some male bonding.

We all got up early but ended up chatting again for over an hour. Kevin called Sandy. We drove over to her place in Seattle. We talked for a while there before departing on the big Seattle tour. Our first stop was a small park along the Queen Anne to watch an air show that was to feature the Blue Angels. There was a small crowd there for most of the show. As it grew closer to the time for the Blue Angels, the whole area including the street was packed. We got to see most of the show but we were really too far away to experience the full impact. We left and began the tour which included a drive through the Fremont area and the University of Washington campus. We parked at Green Lake, picked up some Frappuccinos at Starbuck's, and went for a walk around the lake. The walk took about 45 minutes. The babes were ahead of us and engaged in their own discussion. Kevin and I continued where we left off the night before. After our little stroll, we drove over to Gasworks Park, a very interesting place. It was an old gas processing plant that was converted to a park. Remnants of the old plant were still there. Some parts were renovated into a playground. We also saw the large human sundial on the hill. I call it the human sundial because one has to stand in a certain position as part of the sundial. Kevin mentioned that Sandy originally didn't want to come along but she knew that she had to because she needed to help navigate. We were glad that she did. Well, hey! Kevin is an engineer! Engineers are prone to getting lost! We ate dinner at Ivar's and stopped back at Sandy's place to talk for a while. Then, we returned to Kevin's place and said our farewells.

The trip to Seattle was the capstone event for me this Summer. I am glad that we went. I probably will not see Kevin or visit Seattle for a long time after this. Strange how things work.

The drive back was uneventful. We got in pretty late last night. I spent most of the night thinking about my long conversations with Kevin. He had asked about my situation with baby. I told him pretty much about what had happened in the recent weeks and also about the moratorium. As I talked with Kevin, I realized more and more that the decision had been for the best. Kevin apparently had his first misunderstanding with Sandy the day before we arrived. That weighed heavily on his mind all weekend. I am glad that we talked. I think we both learned something about ourselves as guys, and we have both learned about our own situations. Each is clearly different and each called for a different measure. My situation is a closed case. I now need to figure out what I will be doing next in life.

Well, I may have spoke too soon. The moratorium came to an end last night. I'm not sure whether that was a good decision or not. Hopefully, we will not repeat the mistakes of the past. After all, there is only a short time left. I have not worked on the book projects for a while. I had no choice but to put those off. I hope to return to them once I get settled. I need to because they may be the keys to unlock the shackles of debt from around my neck.

The overall uncertainty of my immediate future is becoming more unbearable everyday. My stomach is constantly churning. Hard as it may be to believe, my major concern is the disposition of LoserNet. That's right ... I can't make my loan payments, but who cares? Losing LoserNet is what will make me lose it. If it wasn't for LoserNet, I would have spent my Summer at the Roach Motel listening to The Idiots. Sheesh!

I am getting very frustrated with my mendicant existence. Although I am a monk, I am still sick and tired of being in debt and living a hand-to-mouth existence. The worst part is that I have nothing to show for my $40,000 debt. All of my possessions fit in my six-four. I am at wit's end concerning how I will repay the loan. I cannot get a job. I am hard-core unemployable. Speaking of mendicant, baby and I finally ate the can of Bush's baked beans that traveled with me from Convalescent City. What better way to celebrate my last few days in Oregon, eh? We have actually been eating Bush's baked beans for the most of the Summer. That's about all we could afford. In fact, we walked over to Safeway last night and bought a few more cans of tuna and Bush's with the last $5 I had. I am living off of credit card cash advances. I transfer my ever increasing balance (now about $3,500) from card to card in favor of the best interest rates. Lord knows how I'm going to pay that off. The best solution is for me to charge up another $500 by buying a Mac-10. I'll take it to the Post Office to show it off and let the rollers take me out of my misery. Sheesh!

I was driving myself into a tizzy over the whole situation of my upcoming demise. I have had trouble sleeping. I have been having nightmares but I cannot remember the substance of the nightmares. I do know that the real nightmare has yet to come. I have been considering returning to Convalescent City and staying until December. That will amount to another $2,000 debt. The upside is that this journal will continue. If only I were paid to write this pathetic story! This may, in actuality, be my most viable alternative. Yet, who is to say? Only in retrospect a few years down the road will I be able to make a qualitative assessment. Sheesh!

The ramifications of lifting the moratorium has been positive. Both baby and I had been a little apprehensive about returning to the fragile state of affairs that existed prior to the moratorium. We spend a lot of time together, which may account for all the tweaking we must do interpersonally. I think, though, that we have come to realize what little time there is for us to share and that we need not spend that time in vain.

We went down to the clubhouse to read the paper. The manager actually made some Fodgers (typo from alt.coffee) for us. Baby ran some errands. I actually got some e-mail out. When baby returned, we had tuna (from the can) and rice for lunch. We spent the rest of the day together. We went to Barnes & Noble, Cost Plus, and Powell's Bookstore. I found that yet another Internet book has listed these journals. The author's comment was, "Sadly, this is an on-going project." Well, hey! I'm a pathetic kind-of-a-guy! We went to the gym and came back for the Festival of the Baked Beans. After dinner, I worked on configuring Dr. Watson in Windows. I read about it in one of the books at the bookstore today. Apparently, Doc Watson will alleviate that pesky "General Protect Fault" nonsense. Oh, what a life!

We went to Circuit City and the Good Guys to check out those free cellular phone deals. It turned out that I could not even afford that. Why do I need a phone anyway? We also stopped by the Washington Square Mall and looked around. Baby had a dinner party to go to so I was left to my own devices. I went to the gym for a bit, and then I stopped off at Burger King for dinner. Yep, two Whoppers, my way! I came back and played Windows Solitaire until I passed out.

I made a few phone calls after spending some time reactivating my Sprint card. Apparently, it was canceled for no reason at all. I spent most of my time talking to answering machines. The few live connections were disappointing. No one wanted to hear from the oversized lavahead. I am beginning to see how insignificant I am in the general scheme of things. Good thing I didn't get a cellular phone! I talked to moms, but she and everyone else was preoccupied with my nephew. The only useful tidbit I got was that the job situation in Hawai'i now resembles most third-world countries. Heck, I don't even get e-mail. I get maybe one every two weeks from Listserv. Sheesh! I never thought I'd see the day that I would contemplate taking the six-four on a one-way ride near some cliffs but I am at wit's end. There is no reason for me to return to Convalescent City or Hawai'i, for that matter.

I stuffed my face with doughnuts and Fodgers this weekend. Baby and I played a marathon session of Windows Cruel Solitaire on the computer in the clubhouse yesterday. We played for over five hours straight. Today, baby had some errands to run. So, I was left to my own devices. Windows Solitaire! As the days count down, I have been feeling much more tense. Add to that the low access stats for LoserNet and we have the makings for chronic depression. I'm going to need some Zoloft!

Time is passing much more quickly. Baby spent most of the day out, so I was on my own. I went to lunch at Burger King (a Whopper my way, of course). I then spent the rest of the afternoon in search of the elusive and cheap cup of coffee. My search led me to many dead ends until I ended up back at Burger King. For 69 cents, one gets a delicious cup of coffee with free refills. Having had my coffee fix, I no longer needed to gallivant about town. I immediately went to the computer room and initiated another Windows Solitaire session. When baby returned, she knew where to find me. Where else would I be? Windows Solitaire has been instrumental in keeping my mind occupied off of my impending doom. With a little over a week left here, I have yet to determine what I will be doing. Strangely, as much as I have tried to remain immune from the curses of money and consumerism, I have been stricken and debilitated by the plague of debt.

I then spent the rest of the afternoon in search of the elusive and cheap cup of coffee.

I can't help but think about what life would be like without money and debt. All of our decisions are based on dinero (and babes). So is mobility and freedom. I am surprised that people put up with such a disparaging system of inequality and still maintain any sense of self-worth. Perhaps we are all fooling ourselves into believing we are better off than we are. Or, maybe we believe we are making the most of what we have. Lord knows, I have nothing left to make the most of.

We ended up walking to Safeway last night to buy some things and also get some exercise since we didn't make it to the gym. Some idiot flipped us off and yelled obscenities for no reason. Too bad he didn't stop to get in my face. With the way I have been feeling, there would have been a 1-8-7 for sure. Baby and I went to McMenamin's Cornelius Pass Roadhouse for lunch today after I installed Wolfenstein Nightmare on the computer in the clubhouse. The roadhouse is a small Victorian house that has been converted into a restaurant. It is also a micro-brewery. We stopped off at Egghead Software to pick up the latest catalog before returning to engage in ... you guessed it! ... a marathon Windows Cruel Solitaire game! We also played Wolfenstein.

I am not a big fan of this genre of violent games. However, I am beginning to see why people are addicted to them. People are under the assumption that their life stressors can be released in catharsis vicariously through the game. It is a sedentary concept of something I have seen at the gym ... the Mad Max version of handball. I am not surprised that people are losin' it right and left. In fact, I'm about ready take over for Duke Nukem himself. Sheesh!

Windows Solitaire and Wolfenstein Nightmare! That about sums up most of my day. It's not that I really enjoy these computer games. I think they provide a kind of mindless task that keeps me from thinking about other matters at hand. I found out that I may have a short reprieve from my demise. This new turn of events opens up the possibility for me to return to Convalescent City until December. You know what that means ... yep, a whole new cast of bizarre characters that will catapult LoserNet up the Web charts! Baby and I went to Crazy Chef Sato's for lunch. We also checked out Borders, a new book, music, video and coffee superstore. We came back and played more Windows Solitaire together. Why does baby put up with this? We had the Festival of the Baked Beans, but baby had to leave before the Festival was completed because she had to pick up a friend at the airport. I stayed in and continued with ... Windows Solitaire (until I passed out)!

After my morning reading of the paper, I accompanied baby on an extended excursion. We first stopped off at Sandy to see the office where baby works at. She had a few things to take care of. I also met some of the people she works with. One of the guys asked how baby and I met. That is a long story best reserved for baby to tell. He also thought that we made for an interesting collaboration since baby is rather gregarious and I am Data-like. Well, hey! I'm a monk! We then traveled to Mount Hood and the Timberline Lodge. We had lunch in a small dungeon-like place in the cellar. Bruno, a Saint Bernard and the lodge mascot, also paid a visit. We then took a walk up the mountain. Most of the snow had melted away. Baby showed me all the places that she goes skiing. It's was all Greek to me.

You know, folks, I'm not into sports and athletics. I'm a sedentary kind-of-guy. Well, hey! I'm a computer nerd. I used to swim quasi-competitively. I say "quasi" because I was a better coach than a swimmer. I also used to JetSki. There's nothing like hitting the water face-first at over 25mph. I also got certified as an aerobics instructor with my homey Mike from the old Del Rio Research Center days. Now, I have my six-five. I like traversing the hills but I am really too weak for this sort of activity. My real call is to remain inside whatever shoebox I live in and work on my computer.

I barely made it up the mountain. I thought I would need to borrow someone's cell phone and call the MedEvac helicopter. Sheesh! We finally made it down. We drove back to Portland to see the Lloyd Mall, the first mall in the world. There was some activity at one of the stores we went to. Apparently, some clown tried to use some stolen credit cards. The mall security guys were all over the place. They were acting like the film crew of Cops was there. Sheesh! Maybe that is the career I need to pursue. We came back and topped off the day with the Festival of the Baked Beans. After that, I collapsed.

Baby developed the pictures we have been taking all Summer with a disposable camera. She had two sets made. She also bought a couple of small photo binders. We spent some time putting our little photo albums together. I couldn't help but look at mine several times during the course of the day. It is hard to believe that the whole Summer could be summarized in our tiny photo albums.

When I look back in retrospect, I cannot help but feel foolish for some of the more tense moments we shared. When my only memory of this time will be those pictures and this journal, I will feel even more at a loss. Strange how we all take time for granted even though we know we never have much of this precious commodity. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes now, much in the same way when I depart from my vacations in Hawai'i knowing that I will not see my family in a long time. In only a few days, this Summer will only be a memory. Baby and I will not see each other for a long time, the earliest time being during the Thanksgiving holiday. We will recover from our sense of loss sooner or later. Yet, I cannot help but wonder what in store for us down the road. Only time will tell.

Fodgers and doughnuts! That's the way to start the day! Baby planned a little touring adventure for the day. We went to Tigard in search of the elusive Hawai'ian restaurant. Unfortunately, it had gone out of business. I guess Lau Lau is not a big hit here in Oregon. We then drove into Portland to check out Festa Italiana in Pioneer Courthouse Square. We ate and watched some of the entertainment. Later, we walked around downtown. Instead of the Festival of the Baked Beans, we ate some greasy fried chicken à la the Safeway deli. To top off the day, we watched Falling Down. This is the third time I've seen the movie and now the whole thing is becoming spooky. I am beginning to see my life unfold in a similar fashion. Sheesh!

We have tried all four flavors of Starbuck's ice cream. That was one of our Summer projects. I think the winner is Coffee Almond Fudge. Baby remembered that we tried that flavor on July 11th, a pivotal day because that was when we had a major misunderstanding on the way to Cannon Beach. I would rather remember the ice cream.

Baby woke up early and ran down to the clubhouse to get some doughnuts for the oversized lavahead. She wanted to insure that I would have doughnuts to eat with my Fodgers, since this will probably be the last time before I leave. I am not even going to count down the days. This is not an event that I am really anticipating. I am already feeling pangs of anxiety. Perhaps it because of too much caffeine. We spent some time in the computer room playing Windows Cruel Solitaire and Wolfenstein. It was a foolish way to waste the little time we left. Well, there really isn't much else to do. I will try to shoot another roll of film and get it developed before I leave. I am not even sure of my own thoughts and feelings on this matter. I certainly haven't been able to vocalize any of it. I am sure it will come to me as I make the long journey. I hope that those thoughts will be worth something then.

Upon the recommendation of Hiram (one of baby's neighbors who happens to be from Hawai'i), we finally found the elusive Hawai'ian restaurant in the form of Local Boyz Hawai'ian Café in Portland. We ate Kalua Pig, Lau Lau, Lomi Lomi Salmon, Poi, Chicken Long Rice and Haupia. The whole meal may be the prelude to a cardiac event, but I must say that it was delicious. There are many people from Hawai'i living in the Northwest. I cannot understand why. Most come here because of the cost of living. Ironic that I will be returning as everyone is leaving. That is the nature of my personality. I go against the tide. I am not a team player. When we returned, baby found that the water heater was leaking. I shut down the heater and was prepared to drain it, until I discovered that it was one of the pipe fittings and not the heater itself. The maintenance guy came and fixed the problem this morning.

I was left to my own devices again today. Aside from playing Windows Solitaire, I pondered why the cheap Fred Meyer disposable camera was malfunctioning. I discovered that it was a recycled disposable camera. What? Sheesh! What a loser! Aside from that, I began planning my itinerary. That almost made me lapse into a coma.

When baby returned, she and I drove out to Hillsboro to eat at the world famous Pizza Schmizza. Tombstone? What? The mail brought us a surprise today. Kevin sent us a couple of pictures from when he visited. I added them to the photo album. Baby then spent part of the evening potting some new plants. I played with my beloved computer. Feeling guilty about all the Lau Lau we ate last night, we decided to go to the gym. When we came back, we had the rest of the Starbuck's ice cream for dinner and watched Dead Again.

It has been very difficult for me to keep my mind off of my pending departure. My old friend John in Modesto asked, "Why leave?" Good question. I would venture to guess that the reason lies in why I ended up being stuck in Convalescent City for so long. Of course, that was a conscious decision. I can blame no one else. My greatest apprehension about coming up here was the inevitable end of Summer. Now, as that day rapidly approaches, I can find little comfort. I will miss baby a lot, more than I can even imagine as we speak. We both knew that the time would come when we would have to say good-bye. Yet, why did baby decide to pursue this interlude? And, why did I, for that matter? Our time together can never be forgotten, and we will have our little photo books to help jog our memory as the days go on.

Baby had to drive out to Sandy again, so I was left to my own devices. Windows Solitaire does not seem that appealing to me anymore. The weather has been overcast and cold for the last two days. Very fitting indeed. Baby came back, and we had a late (5pm) lunch of tuna and rice. She had to leave again to pick up some friends at the airport. We have been watching their pets for the last few days. That has been entertaining in itself. I can see why people love their pets. Strange, though, that we treat animals far better than other humans.

I received e-mail from Kevin indicating that he and Sandy have parted company. Kevin was beside himself, so baby and I invited him to spend part of the Labor Day weekend down here. It will be nice to spend my last day or so with good friends. Baby had a few errands to run. During that time, Kevin called and we talked for a while. Then, I went down to the computer room, only to find baby playing Windows Cruel Solitaire. Sheesh!

The days are like a blur to me. Funny, isn't it? When we want time to slow down, it just passes even faster. The thought of returning to Convalescent City doesn't exactly thrill me either. Who could look forward to living that pathetic life again?

The weather has cleared up once again. I am glad because it seems much less dismal. I have finally decided to depart on Sunday morning. I think the reality of our final days has hit upon us. We are beginning to feel the tension of having to say good-bye. I spent the afternoon running around with baby. She had to run some errands for work. We also went to Trader Joe's and checked out some printer prices at Circuit City. I think I will pick up the printer tomorrow. I don't know why it takes me forever to decide on these things. I think that the mendicant nature of my past makes it difficult for me to acquire things.

Baby prepared the Festival of the Artichokes this evening. We ran back down to Trader Joe's to pick up some of Joe's famous frozen Eggplant Parmesan. We partook of the Festival outside on the terrace. We listened to the new George Michael CD. I sent it to baby before I left Convalescent City. Fast Love should be this Summer's theme song. In the past, it's been Cruel Summer by Bananarama, and Summertime by the Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. As we ate, I was struck by the fact that I only have but mere hours left here. There are so many things to say and do, none of which will come to fruition. Does it really matter? It is best to just enjoy this time ... to revel in it ... for we should be thankful that this moment existed at all. Baby had to pick up a freind at the airport after the Festival. I just took the time to reflect on my Summer. I realized that, at least for the time being, I may be the most fortunate man on earth.

We spent most of the day looking for the elusive cheap shoes since my old, faithful pair were giving out. We went to Ross first and spent several more hours going to other stores, only to end up going back to Ross. It certainly was not a great way to spend our last day together. I guess that isn't much worse than going computer shopping.

Baby went to comedy night with a friend, so I was left to my own devices. I had to wait for Kevin, but he had called to say that he might be late because there was a massive pileup on Interstate 5 just outside Seattle. I decided to go to Circuit City and pick up the Epson color printer. I found out that the printer didn't come with a black ink cartridge, so I had to pay an additional $24 for one. Sheesh! What a scam! So much for the $30 rebate. I also stopped at Schuck's and bought some oil. I'll probably change the oil in baby's car and my six-four tomorrow. When I returned, I found that Kevin was already here. He even brought a can of Bush's baked beans! We went over to Burger King and had a couple of Whoppers (our way, of course) for dinner. We came back and talked for a while until baby returned at about 10pm. Now what? Team Windows Solitaire, of course!

I unpacked the new printer last night only to discover that it did come with the black ink cartridge. I was furious. So, after Fodgers and doughnuts this morning, Kevin and I went to Circuit City to return the extra cartridge. We stopped at a computer store to check on memory prices, too. The guy that helped Kevin had an even more Data-like personality than the oversized lavahead. Kevin was sure that he was an ex-KGB agent who was perturbed because we cut into his backroom torture time of some operative. We returned sans memory and partook of the Festival of the Baked Beans. After lunch, we went to OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) to check out the Star Trek Federation Science exhibit. It was not quite what we expected but we spent most of the day there. When we came back, I changed the oil in baby's car and my six-four. After I was done, baby's car wouldn't start. Kevin and I push-started it. From all indications, the starter looks like it is on its last leg. Somehow the starter fixed itself. The sinister force, perhaps? We went to dinner at Koji Osakaya, and then went to Fred Meyer to check out Duke Nukem and buy some Starbuck's ice cream.
 

Kevin has been preoccupied with his breakup. I could only sympathize with him. He expressed extreme frustration with the dating situation and babes in general. I, too, have been preoccupied but with my departure tomorrow. Kevin made some valid points to me during the course of the day. He asked me why I was leaving. "If I were in your shoes, I would stay here. You know you're going to miss her ten minutes out of town." I knew that he was right. I cannot say whether I am making the right decision. Sometimes we can only make decisions based on what little options we have available to us. And, those options may not always be within our control. I am dreading tomorrow. Kevin is right. I will be in a bad way when I make the long drive down Interstate 5 back to Cali. My life won't be the same. Nothing will be the same. I knew that before I came up here, though. Baby and I have a long way to go, but I can say for myself that I have learned a lot. If I could erase the stupidity of our various misunderstandings this Summer I would. I am sure that there is no such thing as a match made in Heaven, but baby and I have come close. When we go our separate ways, things could easily change. In the case that things don't, I hope we can resume where we left off.

Sometimes we can only make decisions based on what little options we have available to us.

Baby and I stayed up late playing Windows Solitaire. This was the first time all Summer that I was on a roll. Kevin was up early, and he left for Seattle before Fodgers and doughnuts. He reiterated once again that I should consider the ramifications of my decision to return to Cali. Baby and I went downstairs for Fodgers and doughnuts. We came back and I started packing everything in my six-four. I was supposed to leave for Cali before noon. Kevin's words haunted me. I was overcome by a surge of emotions. Ultimately, I felt very sad. It seemed like I was leaving without saying good-bye. I don't know why. I have spent over two months here, and now our parting was a non-event. I sensed that baby felt the same way, although maybe it was just me. I ended up calling Skip to postpone my arrival until tomorrow. We spent the afternoon walking along the waterfront. Then, we went to dinner at Lin's China Jade Restaurant (for some duck!). I felt better after dinner. It seemed more like something we could remember about our last day. We came back. I ended up cutting baby's hair to her specifications. Watch out, Vidal Sasoon! I may even come up with my own line of shampoo.

Perhaps all of this is because I do not want to leave. I have had a marvelous Summer. I may have to evaluate my so-called life plan because I may have missed something. I am glad that I did stay for this final day but I know that it will still be difficult to leave tomorrow. Maybe Kevin was right. Maybe I am making a mistake. I have only a few more hours to gel my thoughts and feelings, capture whatever memories and sensory images that I can, and say whatever I need to say before I depart. Yet, what words can really depict what I have to say? How can I even begin?

We got up early, but not as early as expected. Baby made some coffee and bagels for breakfast. After eating and packing the last few items, I embraced baby for the final time. As I drove off, I saw her standing on her terrace. Kevin's words echoed through my mind. It was very hard for me to keep the tears back. I was very sad but I didn't want baby to see me in that state. The drive through Oregon was nice. I crossed the Oregon border into Cali at 2:18pm. I was overcome by surges of emotion and pain. I wondered if I was making a mistake. Was Kevin right? I realized that I really had nothing to return to in Cali. My whole life was packed in my six-four. Just south of my favorite town, Weed, my Cali nightmare began. Traffic was tied up for hours. It was hot. I hadn't eaten and I was already two hours behind. I finally reached a turnaround point and backtracked to Dunsmuir. I tried to use the phone there but it had a calling card lockout. So, I drove to Weed. I found a Pac Bell phone. I called baby about my predicament because I was in a state of disarray. I was halfway from Skip's place and Portland. I felt like returning to Portland. However, baby talked some sense into me. She was not happy about the call. Rightly so. What kind of putz would make a call like that?

I got in touch with Skip. He said that he would wait up for me, so I left immediately. I was too perturbed to eat anything. I had to wait through the same traffic jam again but, once past that, my six-four and I jammed to San Francisco. I made it to Tiburon sometime after midnight. Skip and I talked for about an hour. He wanted to know about my Summer. After a short synopsis, he asked, "So, why are you back here?" I couldn't answer that question. I spent a little time looking at my photo album before falling asleep.

Skip showed me his place. He and Lorraine have been working hard to fix it up. They also bought a BMW 320i convertible. Well, hey! This is Marin County! He took some time off from work so that we could go to breakfast. We went to the Swedish House for breakfast. Skip also showed me his place of work. He and Lorraine live just down the street from the office, so their commute time is just a couple of minutes. Being from the just-in-time school of thought, I called John and Julie in Modesto. They were not home. I decided to drive there anyway. It would have been only a couple of hours out of my way. It was nice drive, and I had Wild 107 to listen to. I also had plenty of time to think about my reasons for being in Cali. Guess what? I haven't thought of any yet. Julie and Gianni were home when I arrived in Modesto. I talked with Julie until John came home from work. They took me out to dinner at Portofino's Caffe. The rest of the evening was spent catching up on the last two months (and playing with the computer). Funny, John also asked me why I came back to Cali.

You know, Cali just doesn't seem the same to me. I have been feeling claustrophobic and have had difficulty sleeping. I feel as though I am suffocating. I am also becoming a little testy. I am certain that if I have to put up with any kind of charade in Convalescent City, I am going to walk. I have no time for charades.

I have been unable to stop thinking about baby. I wonder if she is doing the same. We are back to our separate lives now. In time, all of this will just be a distant memory. The Summer is over. We lived the life that are the stuff of dreams. We had our moments but we worked through them. We parted company as more than friends. Maybe one day we will be able to explore other options. For now, I just want it to be the best memory I have.

I called baby last night. It was so nice to hear her voice again. She said that she waited up for me on Monday just in case I returned to Oregon. I wish that I did. I really miss her now. Baby has expressed her love in ways too numerous to count. I, on the other hand, have avoided expressing my feelings up to this point. I don't know why except that, perhaps, I knew how transient our time was. Yet, one never knows what one has until it is gone. I feel as if a whole chunk of my soul is missing. I am very sad. As I look at my poor six-four, packed with all my worldly possessions, I cannot help but feel disdain for the nomadic lifestyle I once cherished. Have I finally cast aside the monastic life? Did I travel this far only to realize the folly of my error?

I said good-bye to John, Julie and Gianni. I was glad that I visited for this could be the last time. In my fragile mental state, there is no telling what could happen. I drove the back roads to Salinas. In two hours, I found myself at Caroll's place. We drank coffee and talked story. Caroll was not her usual self. She said that she was going through some trying times. I could sympathize. We ended up going to Lyon's for dinner. Caroll mentioned that she was surprised that I came back to Cali. Where have we heard this before? She also wondered if the plight of singleness is what plagued her, Bonnie and I. I never thought so before, but now I wondered. She offered me a place to stay for the night. Somehow, I felt the need to move on. Later, I realized that I thought it was already Thursday. What a putz! I managed to get in touch with Tom and made arrangements for a place to say once I arrived in Convalescent City. It was only a two hour drive, but my stomach started to churn more as I saw all the familiar road signs. When I pulled off US 101 into Convalescent City, I felt depressed. Why did I come back?

The Keeper has made it through part of the perilous Journey to Nowhere. Where will he venture to next? Find out in Absolute Value Equals Zero. Sheesh!

The Keeper of Lost Lives: Journey to Nowhere

Starring:
42-Year-Old Virgin ... Tralfaz
Baby ... Herself
And a cast of thousands!

© Copyright 1996 by the 42-Year-Old Virgin
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