Rather self-referential, this one. I actually have no problem with the internet itself, because it can be really handy (I don't know how I'd've researched most of the topics in TIGU without it) (and yes, that was supposed to be ironic). My problems with the internet can be easily encapsulated into the following few topics. (Well, isn't that a happy coincidence?)
PERSONAL WEBSITES
Ah yes, very ironic, this first one. I'm referring, in this section, to those strange "this is me, this is what I do" websites that seem to litter Geocities, Angelfire, and Xoom, like so many dead flies. There are several easy-to-spot signs that a web-site fits this catagory, and they are:
- It has a really big picture of some geek on it.
- The graphics look amateurish and / or are badly aligned with the text.
- The background colour makes the text unreadable.
- You are informed of the owner's occupation.
- It has an "amusing" under construction graphic on the front page.
- It serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. (Admittedly this point is a bit subjective.)
These sites follow some strict rules about content, some of which have been reproduced here:
They must not contain any actual content. Rather, they must only have the owner's personal details (and the required large picture), followed by a big list of links to other sites. These other sites are usually the owner's friends' sites, which also have big lists of links. Etc.
Each link to a site must be preceeded with a little coloured ball. The more balls and more different colours, the better. (Make your own jokes here. If you really must.)
They must contain little or no description of the sites that they are linking to, other than something along the lines of "Nice" or "Very Funny". The target site's actual name is a big no-no.
The links must be in no particular order, and must just be in a big fat jumble. If they were not muddled in this way then the list might actually prove to be marginally useful to someone, somewhere.
The thing that really confuses me about these websites is that I keep finding them. That might not seem strange until you consider why I find them. Freak electrical surge? Bizarre internet happenings? Random act of God? No, it was because somewhere, at some time, the creator advertised their site on a search engine. This leaves me with one question: Why? Did they really think that I wanted to find another site of poor links? That I needed to see another large picture of a dweeb? That I'd get cold turkey for the multi-coloured balls? I have no idea, and have little or no intention of speaking to these people to try and find out.
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"Yes, yes! Our homepage is going according to plan!" "In this space here we can put a big picture of the pair of us ..." "And we can place our links here!" "Now all we need is to find some little coloured ball graphics ....." |
MESSAGE BOARDS
Several people who post messages on message boards (and this also includes newsgroups too) are normal.
Unfortunately none of them have ever been to any message boards that I've visited. Take, for a superbly
concise example of all that is wrong with message boards, the Ministry of Sound bar, an area which I frequently visit to taunt the locals (the Ministry of Sound is a nightclub in England, for those not in the know). Looking through the threads you will quickly see the following topics (or variations on them, at least). These are typical of message boards, so I've included advice on what to do when you encounter a similar message:
| Message | Description | Suggested reply |
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| "Sex" | A classic this, that gets posted at least once every two days. The body is usually a message trying to find out if there are any good looking women reading, who wish to partake in some sexual encounter or other. | These are the finest people to wind up. Enter a suitably feminine-sounding name in the "From" box, imply that you're a stunner, and proceed to string the gullible fool along for as long as it takes you to get bored. |
| The obvious flame | Usually appearing about once a week, the obvious flame post is the last resort of some tit who's been trying to start a conversation for weeks, but has been repeatedly ignored. This is the only way that they can guarantee that people will want to reply to their message. | Do nothing, and remain aloof. You can be sure that several of the more loyal posters on the board will stand tall in its defense, usually including a large number of insults, to add weight to their arguments. Be different - ignore them. |
| The obvious flood | When some spanner posts 200 blank messages in the space of five minutes you know that they're trying to flood the message board. This is usually because of a similar situation to the obvious flame, i.e. no-one wanted to reply to their messages. The final stand of the terminally crap. | Very little can be done to the flood, unless an IP address has been posted by the flooder (who will usually then try and bluff that it's a fake IP, and you fell for it, and how stupid are you). Note that some people think that replying with posts about how lame the flooder is will somehow deter them from flooding again. This is a foolish stance to take. |
| "Any well-hung lads out there?" | Although initially appearing to be the feminine version of the "Sex" post, this has one vital twist: The poster is actually a man. Not just any man either, but one of either two breeds: 1) A Wise individual using the thread to lure foolish "Sex" posters to their humiliating doom, or 2) A weirdo. It goes without saying that situation 2 occurs a great deal more frequently than situation 1. | In the event of the poster being in group 1 it's best to leave them alone, or you two may appear to be a lonely little "Sex" poster, looking for cheap kicks (and too afraid to just access some porn site). In the event of situation 2 occuring it's also best to leave the thread alone, for fear that the twisted fool may actually gain some sexual gratification at your replies. |
| Mr dull | Any posts consisting of nothing other than a vague "How's it going?", "How is everyone?", or "Anyone wanna chat?" should be dismissed as being made by people with the same level of intelegence and capacity for conversation as an three-toed sloth. And not even a chatty sloth, at that. They hope that someone will reply to them, start a conversation, and take the focus away from their own lack of ability. | I'd usually recommend either ignoring these plebs, and hoping that everyone else does the same, or joining enthusiastic conversation littered with sarcasm, which they will inevitably not get. An outside bet is also the tried-and-tested "give yourself a woman's name" ploy, which is always good for a few laughs. |
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An example day from the MoS message board. Note the several sexual references, the loser trying to start a conversation with one woman in particular ("DJ RACH", who's probably just a man trying to get a reply anyway), the vague posts, and the bloke pretending to be a woman, posting about Scottish cocks. |
E-MAIL
Sensibly used, e-mail is a valuable resource for all manner of people, allowing them, as it does, to contact associates and colleagues almost anywhere in the world, with no regard for time differences. But let's face it, how often is e-mail sensibly used? Almost never, that's how often.
There really is nothing else I can say about the complete mis-use of e-mail that I haven't already mentioned in my Mass E-Mail page, so go and have a look there.
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Maintained by Tony Gowland
Last updated: 29/1/99 |
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