Today, I decided that I am going to become a Mountie so I went down to the neighborhood Mountie certification office. It took me quite a while to get there because Donnie, the lead sled dog, has been suffering from a head cold for about a month. The vet says that he should stay in the igloo and get plenty of liquids. We've had to melt a lot of snow for that! So we had to get Ookazee, the neighbor's lead sled dog, to lead the sled to the MCO (mountie certification office). Ookazee is twelve years old. She is blind in one eye and she has some sort of neurological disorder. She is still a great lead sled dog, but unfortunately she is not as fast as she used to be. So it took about 5 hours to go the mile and a half to the MCO.
Once we got there, there was a huge line-up. It seems like everyone and her sled dog was out today to become Mounties. I got to talking to the guy behind me in line. We agreed that the only thing worth doing up here is becoming a Mountie. "After all," he said," once the igloo is built and the snow is melted, what else is there to do in a day but catch bad guys."
At long last, I got to the front of the line. There was a long questionnaire to fill out. One of the questions was "Have you ever eaten a grape in the supermarket to see if it was any good?" Stupid, honest me! I admitted it. After I handed in the form, I went to sit with the other wannabee Mounties. I waited 3 hours. Ookazee was getting very restless. Finally, a strapping young mountie called my name. I was very excited.
He looked at me and then looked at my application and frowned. "Excuse me, Ms. Ditzian, I am afraid that we will have to reject your application. You just aint gonna cut it as a mountie."
"Why not?" I asked.
"It seems that you have committed a federal crime."
"WHAT???" I was becoming alarmed.
"We know about ... the grape incident"
I was quite surprised. The mountie must have noticed "You didn't really think you would get away with it, did you Ms. Ditzian?" I was in shock. The mountie ripped up my application. "Cuff her," he said. Then they carted me off to prison leaving Ookazee very alone and confused.
And so here I am in prison writing in this diary. If only I could cut it as a mountie. But there is no hope for that now!
(Remember, all of this is copyright!)