A lot of people have been asking me what I do for fun up here in the Wilds of Canada. They are always surprised by my answer, that I enjoy building small scale nuclear weapons in my spare time. My training in Chemistry and Genetics helped me to design the very first biologically driven nuclear detonation device. In layperson's terms, this is a bomb that can actually think for itself. I am not supposed to discuss this project with anyone who is not affiliated with the Canadian Bio-Ordained Mainstream Bomb society (or CanBOMB as we affectionately call it). So now, I am afraid, you will have to either join the club or promise never to tell about this or at least if you do tell, promise you will make the other person promise not to tell and so on.
In summer, when the igloos melt and we are all homeless, we cannot work on the CanBOMB project, so I take to other, simpler pastimes. For example, I am a shampoo test person. You know how some shampoos say "Not tested on animals"? Well, they have to test them on SOMETHING, so they test them on humans. Technically, according to the VDSHIII, humans are not considered animals, so this is quite legal under section 2.31.5.2.1 of the Canadian Charter of Rights. Anyhow, the pay is terribly good. I can get $1000-$2000 a shot just for shampooing my hair. I get $10 000 if I rub the shampoo in my eye. Well, yes, it stings a bit, but I think it is pretty much worth it. If I rub the shampoo in BOTH eyes, they double that so I get $20 000. If I go blind from rubbing the shampoo in my eyes, I could get $1 000 000 but that hasn't happened yet. I tried to fool them once but I blinked as they feigned poking me in the eye. Almost got fired for that stunt, but surprisingly, human guinea pigs are somewhat hard to come by (who knew) so I got to keep my job. (If I let them inject the shampoo into a vein, I can get $100 000 or $200 000 for a main artery, but I have been a little apprehensive of doing this. I don't really know why. I guess I am skittish.)