Hie! Welcome to my page chokeful of jokes-good, bad and corny!!! I hope all of u wd enjoy these jokes specially complied for your reading (& laughing) pleasure!
Joke No. 1...This is a great read...but to those REALLY in the dark...DON'T DO IT!!!
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the
disk
and corrode the innermechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be
rolled
up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface
of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring
powder
and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is
even.
This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better
access
time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big"
diskettes may be folded and used in "little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall
off
the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy
machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two
diskettes
into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a
container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two
copies,
sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before
inserting
them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted into the drive while the
red
light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly
unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what
is
known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you
will
probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access
the
slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the
disk
from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack
the
data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to
cover
all openings with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to
the
disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs
from
spreading...
You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable
compartment
of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by
microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.
"Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use.
These
containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable
youngsters.
You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command
FORMAT/U, or alternately by scratching new sector marks on the disk
with
a nail file.
Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your
"hard"
disks before they become too brittle to use.
Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently
affix
labels to your disks.
Joke No. 2...This is really funnie...enjoy...
- Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
- Open the software packaging and remove the
manual. This will contain detailed instructions on
installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
- Find the actual software, which should be in
the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a
CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
- Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
- If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
- Turn the computer on, you idiot.
- Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
- You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
YES SURE - After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
- When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&- At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
- Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
- Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
That's abt it for now...Come back soon for more updates!
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