Greene, Jones The Fastest In The World

Matt Shirvington
Shirvington Just Misses Final, Swinging Genitals Kill Three
SYDNEY, SATURDAY SEPT. 23RD-- US Track stars Maurice Greene and Marion Jones both won gold in their respective 100m races, cementing their position as the fastest in the world - both World and now Olympic Champions. The finals remained overshadowed, however, after a double tragedy struck at Stadium Australia; the Australian sprinter Matt Shirvington having to cope with narrowly missing out on the final and with inadvertantly killing three spectators when his genitalia swung a little too freely in his track bodysuit.

Shirvington, Australian champion and purportedly the 'fastest white man on Earth' ran a semi-final race of 10.26 secs, slower than his best and meaning a ninth placing overall, not good enough to make the final. Shirvington's trauma was compounded when he halted and turned at the end of the track, only to see that his genitalia had struck three spectators close to the track. The three later died en route to Westmead Hospital. Shirvington was devastated by the night's events.

"Yeah, it's been a horrific evening," said a clearly distraught Shirvington. "I came hurtling out of the blocks in lane 8, things were feeling great, I was quickly into rhythm...As I was coming down into the last 50 or 60 metres, I felt my right testicle sling across in the direction of the spectators, and from then on I lost my rhythm, my speed...I just couldn't keep up - it wasn't until I turned around that someone told me what had happened. Words just...W-w-words can't explain. I'm sorry.." said Shirvington, unable to continue.

The young sprint star first gained widespread attention of female Australians at the 1998 Commonwealth Games in Kuala Lumpur, where a loose-fitting bodysuit earned Shirvington much notoriety for his package

Australian Olympic Committee member and chef de mission to the Australian team John Coates read a prepared statement on behalf of the athlete, apologising the family of the deceased and making Shirvington's position clear.

"This was a terrible accident, and Matt feels awfully for the family and friends of the deceased," Coates said. "This will go down in Olympic history as 'Lunchbox Day'. Matt is incredibly regretfully, but reassures all concerned that it was an accident - he can't help the fact that nature gave him an incredibly huge set of wedding tackle." Shirvington has made it known that he will take a break from competitive racing for the foreseeable future. In future competition, he will race will a specially-designed 'Genital Restraint' designed by NASA previously for former British sprinter Lindford Christie, to insure that this tragesy will never happen again.

Back To Mule HQ's Unrestrained Olympic Coverage