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MAJOR STORIES
Mule HQ Webmaster To Get 'Seriously Drunk' This Sunday Night
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Above: Not Drunk, But Certainly Not 'Sober': Nick In Practice For Sunday Night With A Doll Made OF Ice...Yes, Ice. |
Sydney's Closing Ceremony Festivities 'Gonna Go Off. Dude.'
Attempts To Come Onto And Rub Up Against Women Not Ruled Out
SYDNEY, FRIDAY SEPT. 29TH-- Fresh from the morning session of the athletics and raring to go on a weekend which promises to be the biggest party in Sydney's and Australia's history, Mule HQ webmaster Nick Marland has announced how he plans to spend Sunday night, as the flame is extinguished and Sydney's Olympiad with it - going to the city, getting drunk and cracking onto (hopefully reciprocating) females.
The innovative approach to celebration - particularly innovative and unheard of in Australia - is Marland's response to the historical 'once-in-a-lifetime event'; a fitting way by which to remember the 16 days in which Sydney was the centre of the universe - except in America and on NBC, of course.
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Spectacular Display To Close Games
 Bombing Of New Zealand Says 'Farewell To The World' In Style
SYDNEY, THURSDAY SEPT. 28TH-- In a small preview of what is to come this Sunday night, Ric Birch and his Closing Ceremony team have released to the press a non-specific schedule of events, including a dramatic and extravagant 'River Of Lightning' fireworks display along the Parramatta River, culminating in a long-range missile attack on New Zealand - all to be beamed to the people of the world in a moving 4 hour ceremony.
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SOCOG Releases New Range Of Official Jokes
New Jokes About Rumoured Drug Cheats To Be Added To Already Impressive 'Misty Hyman' Range
Merchandising has become an essential and valid concern at any Olympic Games, with collectors and others snapping up all kinds of pazraphenalia. In the 104 year history of the Modern Games, there is one particular range that is always much-anticipated: The Official Olympic Jokes. Today the Sydney Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (SOCOG) announced their follow-up series to their sold-out first edition of jokes, and reporter Nick Marland was there to bring it to you first.
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Cathy Freeman Wins Gold In 400 Metres Final
White And Black Australia Closer Than Ever, Calls Made For A Formal Government Apology
Prime Minister John Howard Says 'Sorry'...For Missing The Race To Be At A Basketball Game
SYDNEY, MONDAY SEPT. 25TH-- On a historic night in front of a packed house of 112,000 at Stadium Australia, Freeman pulled away from the field with 50 metres to go and won the 400 metres for Women. In winning the gold medal which just eluded her in Atlanta, she has inadvertantly helped to further bridge the divide between White and Indigenous Australia, bringing further calls from the entire population for a formal Government apology. Unfortunately, Prime Minister John Howard could not be reached for comment, as he was at a basketball game.
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Syd, Millie And Olly Found Dead In River
 Little-Seen, Disliked Mascots Located, Police Suspect Foul Play
SYDNEY, SUNDAY SEPT. 24TH-- With all the successes of these 27th Olympiad in beautiful Sydney, Australia, one could be forgiven for thinking that everything was going along swimmingly. However, there has been a black mark on the Games; the three Olympic mascots - Syd, Millie and Olly - have been noticeable in their absence at all official functions, such as last week's spectacular Opening Ceremony. Now the questions as to their whereabouts have finally been answered, with police making a grisly find in the Parramatta River.
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Greene, Jones The Fastest In The World
Shirvington Just Misses Final, Swinging Genitals Kill Three
SYDNEY, SATURDAY SEPT. 23RD-- US Track stars Maurice Greene and Marion Jones both won gold in their respective 100m races, cementing their position as the fastest in the world - both World and now Olympic Champions. The finals remained overshadowed, however, after a double tragedy struck at Stadium Australia; the Australian sprinter Matt Shirvington having to cope with narrowly missing out on the final and with inadvertantly killing three spectators when his genitalia swung a little too freely in his track bodysuit.
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Australian Women Win Water Polo Gold Before Record Crowd
 Experts Attribute Large Crowd To Male Fascination With Breasts, Sport And Winning
SYDNEY, SATURDAY SEPT. 23-- Australia last night won the gold medal in the first-ever Olympic tournament for Women's Water Polo, before a capacity crowd at the Sydney International Aquatic Centre. Amongst the huge crowd that witnessed the thrilling 4-3 victory over the United States were dedicated fans of the sport, families keen to embrace the Olympic spirit and many thousands of men who liked to watch women in swimsuits.
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Poor Olympic Ratings Force Giant US Broadcaster NBC To Take Drastic Measures
NBC-Employed Terrorists Set To Take Hostages In Games City, Vote One Out Of Compound Each Night
Executives Said To Be Excited About Survivor-Inspired Ratings Spectacle
SYDNEY, FRIDAY SEPT. 22ND-- In a desperate move, driven by what are the lowest television ratings of an Olympic Coverage in America since Mexico City in 1968, executives at America's National Broadcating Corporation have hatched a clever plan to win back viewers during the second week of competition by giving them what they want: 'Reality Television'.
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Exposè: Ticket Scalping Rife At Games
 Fake And Not-for-Sale Tickets In High Circulation Around Sydney
Hints As To What To Look For In A Fake Ticket Issued By SOCOG
SYDNEY, THURSDAY SEPT. 21ST-- A flood of tickets has poured onto the market in the last week, as Sydney-siders devour all available tickets in what has become the biggest ticket-selling games in history. Many of these tickets are discards from National Olympic Committees across the world, others are fakes. In an effort to steer buyers clear of these tickets, the Sydney Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (SOCOG) has released a list of hints, dos and don'ts for the unwary ticket purchaser, which Mule HQ republishes today.
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Sydney Games Already Being Praised As 'Best Ever'
2004 Hosts Athens Said To Be 'Shitting Pants'
Olympic City Hopes To Get Big Marks In 'Swimsuit' and 'Talent' Sections To Become 'Miss Olympic Host'
SYDNEY, WEDNESDAY SEPT. 20TH-- Spectators, Officials, Journalists and Athletes have all been hailing the Sydney Olympics as the 'best ever' meeting in history, after only 6 days of competition. Meanwhile, horrendously under-prepared Athens, the host city for 2004, is said to be "shitting itself badly, man" according to sources close to the Organising Committee and Mule HQ.
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Thorpe Thanks Parents For Raising Him Near Nuclear Power Plant And Imbuing Him With Super Powers
 Swimmer Already Being Compared With The Greats, Such As Superman, Spiderman After Latest Victory
Attributes Giant Feet, Frame And Freakish Super Powers To Years Of Radiation Exposure
SYDNEY, TUESDAY, SEPT. 19TH-- After winning his third gold medal as a part of the world record-smashing Australian 4x200 metre relay team, swimming champion Ian Thorpe has thanked his parents for always being there for him, and for raising him only 97m away from a vast nuclear reactor which experts say has given him super powers.
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Australian Equestrian Team Wins Historic Gold Medal
Horses To Be Rewarded By Being Made Into Special 'Olympic Edition' Glue
SYDNEY, TUESDAY SEPT. 19TH-- The Australian Equestrian team today clinched the gold medal in the three-day teams event, the first team to win the event at three successive games. As the victorious riders were lauded and praised by a rapturous crowd of 25,000 at the Horsley Park venue, plans were already being made to honour this momentous achievement - culminating in the Australian Olympic Committee announcing the production of an extremely limited edition Olympic glue, manufactured from the winning horses.
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Clean Romanian Lifters Reinstated
 Disgraced Drug-taking Lifters Consider Careers In Australian National Rugby League
SYDNEY, MONDAY SEPT. 18TH-- The International Weightlifting Federation has lifted a ban from competition on four 'clean' Romanian weightlifters, following team management's decision to pay a US $50,000 fine. Meanwhile, in attempting to pick up the pieces of their shattered sporting careers, the three banned athletes have fielded several lucrative offers from National Rugby League clubs in Australia.
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Emergency Summit Reveals Emissions Of The Word 'Thorpedo' At Dangerous Levels
 Spectators In And Around Sydney At Serious Risk Of 'Death By Hyberbole'
SYDNEY, SUNDAY SEPT. 17TH-- At an emergency summit meeting held in Geneva has recommended the passing of a new 'Sydney Protocol', restricting usage of the word 'Thorpedo' - a term coined by the Australian media to hail the feats of swimmer Ian Thorpe - after researchers revealed the term's application was creating a high health risk in the Sydney metropolitan area.
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Opening Ceremony A Blazing Success
Indigenous Australian Cathy Freeman Lights Spectacular Cauldron Wearing Outfit Reminiscient Of The Movie 'Tron'
American Viewers Confused By Absence Of Kangaroos In Opening Ceremony
SYDNEY, SATURDAY SEPT. 16TH-- The Olympics began in fine style last night, in a 4 1/2 hour-long extravaganza celebrating Australian indigenous culture, diversity, female athletes and the 1982 Disney cult classic Tron
In a touching gesture - hopefully a catalyst in the reconciliation process between white and black Australia - Games Minister Micheal Knight and AOC boss John Coates chose Cathy Freeman, the current 400m World Champion, to light the amazingly-constructed flame. Freeman, in turn, paid a homage of her own to the Disney tale of advancing technology and a science-fiction realm of artificial intelligence, wearing a striking figure-hugging ensemble reminiscient of the film's hero, Sark.
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Stories Archive - Pre-Games Articles
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Sydney 2000: The Mule HQ Day-by-day Wrap
