Accutron© Predictor 3000

Sorry if it scares you, but this is the future, my friends....

Hello, nerds and curious onlookers, and welcome to the future
With the assistance of NASA technology and leading Astrologists and Tarot Card readers, as well as the guys that write fortune cookie messages, I have personally been able to construct the "Accutron" prediction machine....a machine that allows us to peer into the world of tomorrow with jaw-dropping accuracy, as the name suggests....this machine is so stunning in it's accurate forewarnings that it has predicted recent events in minute detail BEFORE they have occured, including the Dalai Lama's shock gay confession, the hellish apocalyptic invasion of giant slug-like creatures in November 1998 and the introduction of colonies in the Earth's core in mid-March 1999.

...Alright, so maybe the Accutron Predictor 3000© still has a few bugs in it, but I am working on it....and besides, you can't say that the predictions it does give aren't entertaining!...

Ladies and Gentleman, I give you: The Future!...

The glass will no longer be 'half-empty' or 'half-full', but 'Richard Marx'
Advances in optometry and eye-glass manufacturing will mean vision-impaired people will no longer need to wear glasses. Woody Allen, confused at the sudden and drastic change to his image, will shoot himself.
John Travolta will, as promised, launch production on a sequel to his multi-million dollar flop movie Battlefield Earth. Distressed friends and family will organise an intervention, with special guest speaker Kevin Costner
The hit CBS television series Survivor will be pushed to come up with exciting new scenarios with which to continue to draw viewers. Finally, CBS executives will pull the plug on the show after Survivor IV: Catching The Bus fails dismally.
A powerful new leader will emerge in the Middle East - the predicted 'Third Anti-Christ' told of in the writings of Nostradamus. The Leader won't turn out to be that bad, bombing rivals with lilac-scented warheads and crushing powerful enemies of the State with a torture known as "Ticklin' Out The Truth".
It will be fashionable to be single and disliked by the opposite sex. Suddenly, Mule HQ webmaster Nick Marland will find himself the most popular young man in his neighbourhood. The trend will not last long.
Thanks to modern science, pirates will no longer have to settle for wooden peg legs, instead attaching stereotypically geeky scientists to their hips.
In the final apocalyptic battle for supremacy and the souls of humans everywhere, Dairy Milk will duke it out with Soy Milk. Both will hold their own until humankind collectively decides that it would prefer to be lactose-intolerant than withstand anymore horrific milk-shed.
Computers will become obsolete when mankind learns to harness the vast data storage and technological ability of the accordion.
Human genome research will unlock many secrets of what makes us all tick, including the mystifying secrets of the all-important and potentially life-threatening "Pauly Shore Gene".
Hatred as an emotion will fade out of the collective human conciousness, replaced instead by a strong craving for potato chips. As a result, Ku Klux Klansmen will stay at home in a comfortable chair and learn tolerance through sheer laziness.
Internet answer-providers Keen.com will go bust when research indicates people aren't calling their advice line because they don’t know how to operate phones.
A spate of tragic air accidents will prompt a return to the days of balloon aviation. As a result, companies such as United Airlines and QANTAS will offer passengers discounts for bringing their own monocles and top-hats.
Tiger Woods will continue on his winning path to golfing immortality. One-hit wonders Survivor will attempt to cash in on his fame by re-recording their song Eye Of The Tiger. Only one of them will ever be successful.
Pop star Kid Rock will inspire children to reach for their dreams with his world-wide White Trash Made Good spoken-word tour.
Hicks and rednecks will unionise to lodge a class-action lawsuit against internet company Yahoo!© for stealing their drunken catchphrase.
The Pope will again make a historic apology on behalf of the Catholic Church.....for the infectious Latino pop grooves of Ricky Martin.
After intial difficulties, Middle-East Peace talks at Camp David will suddenly become more fruitful as decision-after-historic-desicion is made in a climate of sensuous back-rubs, pizza and intense winner-takes-all games of Yahtzee
Late 80s hair band Warrant make a triumphant return to the top of the world's charts. Surprisingly, they acheive this not with their trademark misogyny and arrogant flair but with a keen devotion to the doctrines of Shinto-Buddhism.
Radio signals from outerspace will confirm once and for all that there is life on other planets. Unfortunately, this life is drunk, sleazy, and coming onto us.
Software giant Microsoft and its founder Bill Gates will appeal their loss in the Anti-Trust case. Gates claims victory by use of his trademark 'You took my lunchmoney, now don’t ruin my company' defence.
In an effort to corner the market fascinated by reality shows such as Survivor, Taco Bell will open a series of Enduro-Restaurants in remote locations and without bathrooms.
Mick Jagger will again be the father of an illegimate child. Without regard for her own treasured privacy, mother Darva Conger will sue for custody.
North and South Korea will reach a final, lasting peace, ending 50 years of intense rivalry and border enforcement. In a stirring tribute, the surviving cast of M*A*S*H will reunite for a one-off special.
The term 'getting laid' will no longer be slang for having sex, but instead refer to a new birthing technique designed to reduce the pain of live childbirth.
'Coca Cola' will begin putting cocaine back into their world-famous soft drink. Following suit, 'Smack Surprise', 'Amphetamine Juice' and 'Liquid Growth Hormone' will also revert back to their original recipes.
Child stars will no longer go through a harried phase of drug addiction and crime as past chils stars did. Instead, they will get breast implants, sing empty pop tunes and soon fade into obscurity.
There will be no flying cars, robots or colonies on the moon, as predicted in science-fiction of half a century ago. There will, however, be annoying techno music.
Legal pressure will force cigarette companies to forever change the ingredients of cigarettes. In a joint effort with the Catholic Church, harmful tobacco will be replaced with crushed-up powder from holy scrolls.
Man will walk on Mars, only to be horrifically slaughtered by the inhabitants: a race of rabid Carrot Tops.
For the first time ever, freight cargo will be transported across great distances at virtually no cost using only the brute strength of a man dressed as Cyndi Lauper. When the packages arrive, however, no-one will want to touch them.
Sharks will stop attacking surfers when they find something much tastier to eat: teenagers
Britney Spears will suddenly quit the music business for good, telling the press that she missed a monthly payment on her implants and they are being repossessed.
Paper made from the cutting down of precious trees will be replaced by paper from "all those trees no-one likes".
Poverty, hunger and warfare in Third-World Countries will forever be eradicated, yet soon the United States will come to miss not having any international whipping-boys and reinstate Poverty, Hunger and Warfare to their posts.
The Men of Earth will finally be able to carry an embryo through pregnancy due to wonders of scientific advancement in the year 2023....unfortunately, the novelty value quickly wears off when nerds start getting 'knocked up' by physically superior females, such as aerobics instructors and foxy-boxers....
The world pulls itself back from the brink of moral destruction and chaotic armageddon by heeding the words of 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood' and learning to "Relax"
In the footsteps of the sitcom The Golden Girls, Britney Spears, Pamela Anderson-Lee, Elizabeth Taylor and Anna-Nicole Smith sign on with a major television network to star in Plastic Pals
Sick of being labelled as some kind of heartless media tycoon, Rupert Murdoch will launch a solo singing career after realising he has the same initials as Latin pop superstar Ricky Martin....with the aid of his vast newspaper empire, Murdoch has a #1 worldwide hit on his hands with his debut single Livin' La Media Loca....
By the year 2078, a sustainable peace between all the nations of Earth will be brokered....unfortunately this requires the extermination by nuclear weapons of all the world's powerful and agressive nations, but the remaining nations, including New Zealand, Cape Verde, Micronesia, the Marshall Islands, Djibouti and Western Samoa say this was a "necessary evil" and that "the world is in good hands"....
2003: Britney Spears-Clinton-Sanchez-Clinton-Smith is discharged from the Betty Ford Clinic and marries her fifth husband....groom Boy George says that it is "the happiest day of his life" and that the marriage is "in no way a publicity stunt to revive my flagging career....so what if she's a woman? What am I, gay?"....
The Star Wars Prequels II and III will come out to much the same fanfare as their predecessor, The Phantom Menace did....after the six-part Star Wars saga is complete, Jar-Jar Binks will take advantage of criticisms that his speech is supposedly based on Jamaican and African-American dialects and star as Arnold "Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Drummond in a remake of T.V's Dif'rent Strokes....
Bill Gates' Microsoft company will release an updated Windows program, but in an ironic twist is foiled by the millenium bug when he attempts to name it Windows 05....a confounded Gates tells the press: "...but!..but!..I thought I just made that whole thing up to cash in on ill-informed computer-illiterate suckers!!....you're telling me it's REAL?!!!!"....
2002: Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin begins an arduous 'pub crawl' of every bar in the world....he tells the press in slurred Russian: "I've missed the Presidency these past few years....It's nice to get back to work!...."
Commercial flights to the Moon become a reality in 2012 when a private firm takes a group of privileged civilians into space....upon returning to Earth, passengers claim that the trip was awesome, but the safety demonstartion before lift-off was a little lacking; flight attendants simply indicated to passengers that in the event of an emergency, Bibles were stored under the seats....and passengers also claimed that the in-flight movie, Apollo 13, was perhaps in poor taste....
The first human is sucessfully cloned in Silicon Valley, USA....following this representatives at the UN General Assembly argue over whether the world really needed a third Olsen twin....
Artefacts are discovered in the Egyptian desert near the pyramids which finally point towards that looney theory of Earth being a Martian Colony being a truth....a leading Professor of Human Evolution claims that he realised this shocking truth much earlier. "It was on the goddamn X-Files, for Christ's sake, don't you people watch T.V?" he said
The Internet renders newspapers extinct as a form of news reporting and editorial comment....in related news, The Daily XXX Big Jug Mamas Herald becomes the world's biggest source of online news, featuring all the latest news updates, voyeur-cam and a 'puzzles and competitions' section including Crosswords, Trivia quizzes, Guess The Cup Size contests and daily Sex Roulette....

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