Throughout history in both tales of fiction and non-fiction there have been countless evil men pitted against the forces of good --Alright, I'll spare you all the big introduction....basically this is a bunch of entirely real* villains from all history that for some reason are ill-equipped to match wits with the hero --who stands for all things good and clean (well, in most cases)-- because, quite frankly, they suck/are very lame/you get the idea
REMEMBER!:These guys are 100% REAL*
*-No, they're not
QUEEN FREDRIKA, THE FORGOTTEN SHAKESPEAREAN VILLAINESS
An exception on this list as the only fictional villain (*Ahem*), she was the missing piece of the puzzle in one of Shakespeare's great tragedies, King Lear; for in The Bard's original manuscript HRH Fredrika was Lear's wife who had disappeared in a mysterious petro-chemical explosion thought to have been caused by Lear, then returned during the period captured in the play to claim the Kingdom from underneath Lear's daughters and drive him to his infamous madness through slow-torture nagging, whining and tying him to a chair and forcing mercury down his throat through a funnel. Soon after completing his draft, however, Shakespeare removed the Fredrika character after extensive workshopping and focus group-analysis revealed that 16th-Century people may have had trouble grasping the concept of 'Petro-chemical explosions'.
THE CRAZED TOWN CRYER
A man in early 1960s Britain --real name Gregory Uraffe-- who, after being sacked from his lucrative position as one of those crappy actors in a re-enactment of a 18th Century English Village, decided to steal his Town Cryer's uniform. Modelling himself on fearsome villains from the campy 'Batman' Television Series, the Crazed Town Cryer proceeded to send exorbitant extortion bids to City Hall which, if not paid, would result in the City's tallest buildings being knocked over with a giant bell, in a symbolic act of criminal genius. Unfortunately Gregory was undone when he discovered no-one could actually make him a giant bell, and in the ensuing panic his right-hand man, the Town Drunk confessed the whole racket to the Police Commissioner. Case....CLOSED!
FREDRICK ASIMAN, THE FAILED KENNEDY 'ASSASSIN'
And some further light is shed on the conspiracy....Fredrick earns his place in this 'Lame Rogue's Gallery' because his failure to carry out a simple task resulted in the assassination of President John F Kennedy in Dallas, 1963. Secret C.I.A records indicate that the original plan of rebellious Secret Service agents was not to assassinate Kennedy, but instead for Asiman to run out from the crowd as the motorcade passed, crush an egg on top of J.F.K's head and say "No-one likes you, you smell!" in the hope that this would encourage Kennedy to resign from his office. Unfortunately for Kennedy and his supporters throughout America, Fredrick dropped the egg minutes before the motorcade passed through Dealey Plaza and the rebellious Secret Service agents had to resort to Plan B: Blowing Kennedy's head off.
LEON MERLRAY, THE REBELLIOUS "BUS-DRIVER FROM HADES"
Evil scourge of fair commerce and public transport who would pocket his passenger's fares, operated a vast global drug ring from on-board his bus and refused to pull his bus-driver socks up to his knees. He would also drive wherever he felt like instead of the proper destination, evidenced when Police pulled over Leon's bus in Cuba when the intended destination was Sydney. Leon's rebellious ways were eventually brought to an end when his socks were forcefully pulled all the way up by a Public Transport Inspector, thus sapping him of his mystical powers....
JEREMY SHAFFER-DOBSON, CAMPY LEADER OF A THEATRICAL ACTOR'S 'EVIL EMPIRE'
Experienced actor and leader of a small improvisational Theatre Company who decided to muster his troops/troupe and create an unstoppable 'Evil Empire' with which to quash the world's super-powers and reign unchallenged. To accomplish this he simply fooled his misguided troupe into thinking that this campaign was an improvisational master-work in which all of their talents in method acting would be pushed to the limit....His plan worked in the beginning when he conquered the area surrounding their New York dockland 'Playhouse Theatre', but he was soon thwarted when the Police employed their rarely-used "Theatrical Criticism Division", all of whom began to give the campaign terrible reviews, thus disenchating all of Shaffer-Dobson's men, deflating their egos and allowing a counter-attack to be launched. As the walls came down around him and the Police moved in, Shaffer-Dobson committed suicide in his Playhouse Theatre bunker by drinking lethal quantities of latte....OH, WOE IS ME!!!...THE HUMANITY!!!(sinks to the ground sobbing)
THOMAS I, MAN OF INSTANTANEOUS RHYMES
Little-known aide of Harold II, King Of England who momentarily took command of the Saxon forces at Hastings after Harold was killed....In attempting to repel the Norman forces led by William the Conqueror, he would speak in rhymes he created on the spot, attempting to frighten the Normans with his poetic dexterity....His lameness was soon realised when he made the fatal mistake of trying to rhyme something with 'Orange' and was promptly shot through the heart with an arrow
THE GUY WHO CAME FORWARD AND ADMITTED TO SUPPLYING MILLI VANILI'S LYRICS, THUS ENDING THEIR FANTASTIC "SHOOTING STAR" CAREERS
Enough said....the world is such a sadder place....
"HUGGY BEAR" KHAN, SIBLING TO THE MARAUDING GENGHIS
Younger Khan brother who relieved Genghis of his Raping 'n' Pillaging duties during a brief illness and soon began pimping the Mongol Hordes to swinging businessmen coming from abroad to visit local industry conventions....the stocks of the Mongolian Army were severly strained and depleted until Genghis was fit enough to return to power...."Huggy Bear" was taken to a small Chinese province and beaten with bulky wooden clubs for his insolence....
JOHNATHON HIGHBRIDE, THE THINKING MAN'S NOTORIOUS KILLER
Fortunately little-known --as he had little 'success' in accomplishing his evil deeds-- Highbride roamed London's dark alleyways near the Thames in a fashion similar to "Jack the Ripper" during the 1820's....He used slightly unorthodox methods in engaging and murdering his victims, such as challenging people to games of 'Twenty Questions' and 'Hangman' in which they took a step toward his pointed knife-blade with every wrong answer or letter; games of Chess with randomly booby-trapped squares and guessing games, anagrams and riddles that were often so mind-boggling his victims head simply exploded from over-thinking....Highbride was eventually arrested after making someone dizzy whilst trying to solve a primitive 18th Century forerunner to the "Rubik's Cube", tried at court and sentenced to a lifetime of serving as an honorary Lord in the British House Of Lords where, of course, no-one ever thinks at all
MORE COMING SOON, I PROMISE....THIS IS A REAL PROMISE, OT ONE OF THOSE IDLE ONES I USUALLY MAKE TO THE TWO LOYAL VISITORS OF THIS PAGE....
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