Chinese Athletes Sent Home In Doping Scandal
Rest Of World Says A Collective "Really? Doping?! No Shit?!!"
Chairman Mao Zedong Consoles, Executes Disgraced Athletes In Moving Ceremony.
SYDNEY, WEDNESDAY 6TH-- Up to 27 members of the People's Republic of China's Olympic Squad were today sent home after returning positive blood samples to the performance-enhancing substance EPO. In response, across the world people of all nationalties were left stunned with disbelief.
The Chinese team, previously never thought to be anything but honest and 'sweet-as-sugar', were rocked today by the finding, which sees them enter the Olympic meet in just over a week's time with a morale-crushing loss of athletes in several different disciplines.
A press release issued by the people of Earth indicated their disappointment at the finding.
"We, the people of Earth, are truly surprised by this sequence of events, which has seen China's gleaming image of fair play in recent years slightly tarnished," read the People Of Earth's spokesman James Brown from a prepared statement.
"Get up, get on up, huh, hnghhuuh, yeah, hey, China, cheer up, baby...Cheer up fo' I sex you up! Hah! Yeahnnhuh!" orated Brown before a packed press conference. "Until someone shows us, the People Of Earth, the results of these blood tests for ourselves, we refuse to believe such a scurrilous rumour. Thankyou" concluded a clearly emotional Brown.
The positive result had prominent members of the host nation flabbergasted.
"You might say I'm a little taken aback, yes," said Australian cardigan and sensible slack-wearing Prime Minister John Howard. "I really wasn't expecting anything like this. The Chinese team have always put up a great fight against our own athletes, particularly in the pool, and I'm sure that within this mighty team, these are only a few isolated incidents. Twenty-seven isolated incidents."
Star swimmer Kieren Perkins, competing in his third Olympiad at Sydney, was similarly gobsmacked.
"Yeah, it really takes the wind out of your sails, definitely," said swimming's 1500 metre dual gold medallist, "But I guess it's just one of those things."
"What I'm worried about is that I have possibly lost races in previous years to 'she-males', hopped-up on male growth hormone. Ouch! Now that really hurts my pride!" Perkins added.
Meanwhile, reports from Beijing indicate that former Chinese communist ruler Mao Zedong was not entirely pleased with the athletes being caught, but nevertheless praised the effort they made in securing and consuming barrel-loads of various performance-enhancers over the years.
"Ever since passing away of a heart attack in 1976, I have kept a keen eye on the progress of my country," reportedly said Zedong, with the aid of a translator. "It saddens me that these brave men and women were caught, but I know they realise the mistake they made. I also know they realise they are less than an hour away from a painless and efficient firing-squad execution" added the founder of communism in China.
It remains to be seen how China will fare in the Games after this controversy; all that is known is that, like the little troopers they are, China ain't licked yet.
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