| Scene 1: A hushed courtroom. A riveted audience, including MR SPONTANEOUS, MONROE and CYNTHIA await the MAGISTRATE'S finding on Hamish's sex offender case. Magistrate: ...and despite the alledged heinous activities presented by the prosecution - including the most gross acts committed on a toasted sandwich maker that this courtroom has ever seen... [Hamish rolls his eyes. Many in the room sigh or faint] Magistrate:...I have decided that, in light of the circumstantial nature of the evidence, the abrupt testimony of young Spontaneous, plus my blatant disregard for centuries of adhered-to precedent and judicial principles.....The charges are to be dismissed. [Hamish and friends let out celebratory cheers] Magistrate: Hey...HEY! Pipe down, this isn't freakin' WWF. [All sit] Magistrate: One more outburst like that and I'll clear this Courtroom!!....[aside] Man, haven't said that for a while... [stands to leave] Baliff: All rise... [People file out of courtroom] Monroe: Well, Haim: You're a free man... Hamish: Woo!...yeah, you're right Mon. Give me a hug... Monroe: Don't touch me. I said you're 'free', not 'innocent'. Hamish: I'M NO SEX OFFENDER! Monroe: Well, that's what you say...but the system's so corrupt that we may never really know the truth... [looks into distance] Hamish: Um, yeah...well, anyway, I'd like to thank you for all your support. Except you, Spontaneous - you've been a real asshole. Mr Spontaneous: [smiles] ...That's all I wanted to hear. Cynthia: [hugs Hamish] Congratulations, boy! Hamish: Hey...Thanks. [Slight pause] Hamish: ...And congratulations to you too, on maintaining such a tight ass and trim figure. [Cynthia slaps Hamish] Hamish: Sorry. Usually I'd be a little more subtle with my suave compliments and flirtations...but this has been a trying time. Monroe: Hey, yeah...things are looking up now, eh?!.. Mr S.: You've got a new business, Hamish is free - but with only a matter of time before *someone* tips off the police to his sexual harrassment once more....Things are fantastic. In fact... Cynthia: What? Mr S.: Let's all celebrate, tonight. I won't make solid plans - but you can plan this much: it will be a wild, UNPLANNED and INSANE night! [Slight Pause] Monroe: ...So, it's not Putt-Putt Golf? Mr S.: Well, I haven't completely ruled it out. Cynthia: So, what's the plan?... [Spontaneous glares at her] Cynthia: ....Or...I mean...ah... Mr S.: Let's just [makes 'quotation marks gesture' with fingers] "plan" this much: be ready at Monroe's at 7:30. Hamish: Ok...I much as every bone in my body is telling me a night on the town with you could result in death and/or dismemberment...I'll be there. Cynthia: Me too. Monroe: Count me in. Mr. S: Excellent. [The four stand there smiling for a short moment] Mr S.: Now...as much as I don't want to rush you all, I planted a bomb behind the judge's desk. [All four dash for exits - Mr. S and Monroe laughing hysterically, the others yelling obscenities] Monroe: So, you guys want a drink or anything? Cynthia: Aaah, no thanks. 'Bacardi and Expresso' takes a little getting used to. Monroe: Ok, cool. [Pause] Monroe: [speaking quickly] ...You're not limited to expresso, you know...There's 'Bacardi and Vinegar', 'Bourbon and Tea' and -- Cynthia: I'LL BE FINE....thanks. Monroe: [timidly] S-Sweet. Hamish: It's 7:40. Where the hell is Spontaneous? Monroe: Haha, yeah, I had to laugh when he said '7:30'...time doesn't mean anything to him; he doesn't even believe in clocks. Hamish: 'Doesn't believe in'...Riiight. Monroe: He says they're a 'regulative constraint placed on we helpless worker ants by a totalitarian society; the very oppressive shackling of corporate greed'...or something. Hamish: Yeah, I see....Or maybe they're just a 'handy way of knowing when to do things, and how much time you have to do them'. [Pause] Monroe: Hmmm....touchè. Cynthia: Sooooo, where's your Dad tonight, Mon? Monroe: Oh, he's down at the cinema. Tonight's Night One of the 'Yahoo Serious Movie Festival'. Cynthia: Ohh, right. Monroe: ...Yeah. Should be home any minute now, actually. [A noise quickly grows louder outside] Monroe: Hey, maybe that car hurtling over the lawn through the air and towards this window is him. [Car arcs through air] Monroe: No, wait...Dad drives a Ford. [Pause] SHIT, THE CAR'S HEADED FOR THE HOUSE. Hamish and Cynthia: [Cowering behind the couch] We know. [The car smashes into the living room. After a few seconds, Spontaneous leaps out] Mr S.: SUR-PRISE!! Cynthia: [Surverying the damage] This is extreme....even for you. Monroe: [wailing] ...I ThINk I'm DEEAaaaADDdddd... ..... .. Hamish: Come on, you're not dead - just a moron. Come on, up you get [assists Monroe to his feet] Monroe: Man... [looks around] ...as much as I admire your inspiring work...What the f**k is this? Mr S.: The beginning of an evening you'll never forget. Monroe: Fair enough. Mr S.: Come on, folks, hop in! [They all get into the car] Hamish: ...Uh, is this metal rod supposed to be sticking out of the seat? Cynthia: Yeah...and why is the steering wheel over here in the back? Mr S.: YOINK! [Grabs steering wheel] ...I might need this. Note I said 'might'....OK, here we go!... [Spontaneous tries to start ignition. Nothing happens] Mr S.: I know if I just... [Keeps trying. Car still won't start] Mr S.: Hmmm, ok...Either the car's wrecked...Or I probably should have got my driver's licence after all. Monroe: What now? Mr S.: You have a big new business, right? Monroe: Yeah, but -- Mr S.: -- Alright, we're gettin' the bus everyone - Monroe's shout. [Other three get out of the car. Monroe gets out more slowly] Monroe: ...Waaait...I never said I'd pay for the bus!..... Scene 3: Outside a building in the main street of town, SPONTANEOUS, CYNTHIA, HAMISH and MONROE disembark from the bus. Mr S.: Ok, people we're here - and let me ask you how to spell 'fun'?! Hamish: [with a pained expression] F....U...N. Mr S.: No, it was a trick question. It's actually K-A-R-A-O-K-E! Monroe: Car...ache... Mr S.: [hits Monroe upside the head] Karaoke, dumbass. Hamish: [Sarcasticallly] Wow. You're right. This should be a memorable night. Mr S.: Hmm...Something tells me you're not being sincere....oh well... Cynthia: Alright, are we going in? I can't wait to get drunk and embarrass myself. Mr S.: Haha, wouldn't be the first time. [Cynthia slaps him] I deserved that. Come on, let's go in. [The four enter the karaoke bar] Monroe: [To no-one in particular] Hey! This place is classy!...They have a chart on the wall detailing Cardio-Pulmonary Resuscitation. Mr S.: Ok, I bags going first...with one of my patented freestyle rhymes... Cynthia: I'll get us some drinks...Something tells me I'll need them. Mr S.: [Leaping to the stage and grabbing the microphone] Hi there, I'm Mr Spontaneous...WELCOME TO THA TERRA-DOME! BOOYA!... [Drunks wail in appreciation] Mr S.: [to Karaoke Machine Operator] Can I get a breakbeat laid down?...[To Audience] "Spon-tan-e-ous is tha name, pull down ma pants, bay-bee, I got game...Unh!" [Mixed reception from the audience. A bottle flies past S's ear] Mr S.: That one was just a warm up...alright, let's BUS' IT!..."Cruisin' tha hoods an' on the attack...I got more groove than Roberta Flack...BREAK IT DOWN!" [Some guy in the audience takes his shirt of and pours beer over his chest. Cynthia returns to the table with drinks] Mr S.: ..."These rhymes I lay, I'm hear ta say, I deny all allegations that I am gay - CUT IT!" [A drunk woman falls off her table] Hamish: [To Cynthia] This is going to be a looooong night. Scene 4: Still at the Karaoke Bar, only much later in the evening. MONROE is up at the microphone, doing a passable (ie. half-assed) version of The Smith's 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out' Cynthia: [To Spontaneous, slurring her words slightly] Look, Sponty...I just want to thank you for tonight. It hasn't been *soooo* bad... Mr S.: Really? You think -- Cynthia: It's been bad...just no that bad.... Mr S.: Aaaah. Ok, I knew there was a catch. Monroe: "And if a double decker bus...Crashes into us..." Cynthia: You know, Sponty...there's something I've wanted to talk to you about... Mr S.: Yeah?.... Cynthia: Now maybe - maybe - this is the 5 glasses of straight, dirty bourbon talking...but... Mr S.: I'm listening... Monroe: "To die by your side...Oh, such a heavenly way to die..." Cynthia: You see...now...you're an idiot, right? Mr S.: I like to think so. Cynthia: ...and I'm an attractive, intelligent young woman with the world at her feet... Mr S.: Well, that's speculative, but...go on... Monroe: "And if a ten-tonne truck...Kills the both of us..." Cynthia: Well...it's just that...I think I'm... Monroe: "To die by your side...Oh, the pleasure, the privilege is mine..." Mr S: FOR THE LOVE OF BUDDHA, SPIT IT OUT, WOMAN!!... [At this moment, the MELODRAMATIC HEAD SURGEON walks up behind Spontaneous] Melodramatic Head Surgeon: I-I-It's you! I thought it was!! Aaahahaha, the Messiah! The One with the Healing Touch! Mr S.: Wha?...Oh, you...But you have the healing touch. You're a doctor. MH Surgeon: Bahaha!...No, we're all frauds, every last one of us. But you... Mr S.: No, you've got it all wrong. I'm no 'Chosen One'. I make people's lives hell for my own amusement. MH Surgeon: I know what I saw in that hospital theatre...O, Master, I have been spreading the word! There are thousands of men and women at your service. Mr S.: Hmmm...Interesting... Monroe: "There is a light that never goes out...There is a light that never goes out..." Cynthia: Sponty, we need to talk -- Mr S.: Not now...A fundamentalist cult needs me as an object of worship. Hamish: But don't the words 'David', 'Mass Suicide' and 'Koresh' mean anything to you?! Mr S.: That was a Marilyn Manson song, wasn't it?...Anyway, I must leave to meet my followers!... Cynthia: DAMMIT! I've never had his full attention before... Hamish: A cult, huh? Oh well, that's it - the world's screwed... [Music finishes on stage] Monroe: Thankyou, thankyou...You've been a wonderful audience! [Dodges flying bottles] WILL MR SPONTANEOUS REALLY LEAD PEOPLE TO SALVATION IN ONE OF THOSE 'KRAZY' CULTS? WOULD THE PHRASE 'KRAZY CULT' LOOK BETTER IF 'CULT' WAS SPELT WITH A 'K'? WHAT WILL BECOME OF CYNTHIA AND MR SPONTANEOUS AND THE UNDERCURRENT OF TORRID PASSION BETWEEN THEM? WILL I GET SUED FOR USING LYRICS WITHOUT PERMISSION? OR WILL MORRISSEY, LEAD SINGER OF 'THE SMITHS', JUST COME AND HUNT ME DOWN? SHOULD I REALLY BE WORRYING ABOUT WRITING THIS CRAP WHEN I HAVE A MAJOR EXAM TOMORROW? WHAT EXACTLY DO THEY PUT IN HOT DOGS? IS THE LEGAL SYSTEM SO FLAWED AND CORRUPT THAT HAMISH COULD BE CLEARED OF CHARGES ON THE BASIS OF EVIDENCE FROM A WEIRDO NOT EVEN INVOLVED IN THE TRIAL PROCEEDINGS? HOW DID YAHOO SERIOUS MANAGE TO GET A FILM FESTIVAL? WILL CYNTHIA GET BETTER FRIENDS? FOR THE ANSWERS TO MAYBE A FEW OF THESE QUESTIONS, COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR EPISODE #2B OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS'!! |