| Scene 1: After the big night at the karaoke bar, CYNTHIA, HAMISH and MONROE awaken at Monroe's house with terrible headaches - a combination of hangover and regret that they humiliated themselves at a karaoke bar Cynthia: Owwwwww.....my head... Monroe: Aaah, mine too....What happened? Cynthia: We got smashed, Monroe. We got smashed. Monroe: Aaah, ok. Man, my socks are wet [Sniffs socks] Hmmm...smells like beer. Hamish: [Stirring from sleep] Argghhh....I haven't been hungover this bad since...well, at least last week. How'd we get back here? [They all look blankly at each other] Monroe: ...I'm just going to the bathroom to suck the beer out of my socks. Anyone want some -- Cynthia and Hamish: NO! Monroe: Ok...Just being polite. [Leaves room] Hamish: So..........anyway.......What ended up happening with you and Spontaneous last night? Cynthia: Nothing. Before I could say anything, he left to found his own extremist cult. Hamish: Aaah, well, that means I can still make you mine. [Cynthia slaps him] .....Aaah, I said that out loud. Damn. Cynthia: It's probably a good thing anyway. I don't think I want to be with him: I was drunk and, drunk or sober, he's always an idiot. It's a good thing nothing happened. Hamish: [looking into the distance] ....Mmmm, sweet, sweet Cynthia...One day you will make love -- I'm saying that out loud again, huh? Sorry, I'm tired... [Cinema Manager/Monroe's Dad arrives home] Cynthia: Hi Mr...ah....Monroe's Dad. Cinema Manager: Hi guys. Hamish: You're just getting home now? It's 8:30 in the morning! Cinema Manager: Yeah, well, Monroe told you we were holding the 'Yahoo Serious Film Festival', right? Well, we though we'd be finished before 7:30 last night, but then Yahoo Serious turned up. Cynthia: Ohhh.... Cinema Manager: ...12 hours later, he's still telling us about the making of Reckless Kelly. Hamish: You...poor...bastard. Cinema Manager: Let's just hope that no-one is ever subjected to that horror again. Lest we forget....So anyway, where's Monroe?...And what the hell happened to my front window?! Cynthia: He's sucking bee -- Nevermind. As for your front window... [Looks at the damage caused by Sponty's surprise (See Episode #2A)] ...Tell your son to get better friends. Cinema Manager: Spontaneous, huh? Damned kid, he's always up to something...but so lovable and cheeky... [The low roar of chanting is heard outside] Hamish: Did you guys hear something? Cynthia: No...I can't say I did... [Chanting grows louder] Hamish: There. Hear that? Cynthia: Yeah, actually... Cinema Manager: Yeah, I hear it too. What the hell's going on? [There is a loud knock at the door] Cinema Manager: Who's that at this time of morning? [Answers door. A man in robes, backed by many others in robes, is standing on the front step] Man In Robes: Hello, heathen. Spontatus requests the presence of you and the others in this house at his temple. Cynthia: Spontatus?!!!! Jesus Christ!!! Man In Robes: I couldn't have put it better myself. Come now... Scene 2: HAMISH, MONROE, CYNTHIA and the CINEMA MANAGER stand alongside the MAN IN ROBES and his minions out front of a large building Cynthia: Well, it's...uh...an interesting temple... Man In Robes Holt your cynical tongue, temptress....It's the best we could do at such short notice; we needed a place of worship for Spontatus to call home. Monroe: Hey, didn't this use to be the RSL Club? Man In Robes: SILENCE! [Pause] ...Yes, it did. We still have beer on-tap. Follow me... [The group all walk to the door. Once inside, they are greeted by a grand-looking hall, with a decorated aisle leading to a throne. Upon the throne sits 'Spontatus'] Mr Spontaneous: Greetings, my followers...and the great unwashed who accompany thee. Cynthia: Oh...God.... Mr S.: ...Whilst your praise is very flattering, I cannot claim to be the one true God, merely a conduit for his teachings -- Cynthia: No, if you'd let me finish, I was saying "Oh God, he's really f**ked up this time". Mr S.: Ah, ok. I apologise. Approacheth... [Monroe, Cynthia, Hamish and the Cinema Manager walk down the aisle to meet Sponty] Mr S.: My greetings to you, sinners. May you repent now in the Church of Spontatus and -- Cynthia: -- Oh, cut the crap Sponty. You've got all these people following you because they think you revived Rand Oxford* when in actual fact you were being an ass as usual... (See Episode #1E) Mr S.: ...Yeah, I know. Ain't it sweet?! They keep praising me...I even have a harem... Hamish: A HAREM?!! That's something for sultans, not divine emissaries... Mr S.: Yeah, I know. I don't have sex with them anyway, I just ask them to make human pyramids for me. It's really quite spectacular... Cynthia: Sponty... Mr S.: ...In fact, this one time, I got them all to burp the alphabet... Cynthia: SPONTY!!! Mr S.: [timidly] Yes ma'am... Cynthia:You can't take advantage of these people. They're obviously idiots. Hamish: [smirking] Well, what better Messiah to have for them than him, then? Cynthia: [to Hamish] Shhh...I'm trying to be serious. Now, Sponty... Mr S.: [stands up, shouts to devotees] I feel the power....I come before you all again to perform another miracle... Crowd of Followers: AMEN! PRAISE SPONTATUS!!... Mr S.: Witness in my hand this Club Keno game card... Man In Robes: I see it, Lord, I see it! Mr S.: Watch the screens above you, and witness the power of Spontatus!! [A new game of Club Keno is underway on the RSL club's screens. All of Sponty's numbers come up, he wins again] Monroe: [falling to his knees] Ohhh.....Praised be Spontatus!!! [Cynthia, Hamish and CM shake their heads] Mr S.: [to Cynthia] Hehe...the Keno numbers are on a tape loop. I watched to see the winning numbers last night... Cynthia: Sponty...Sponty, I'm disgusted with you. This is terrible, what you're doing to these people. Mr S.: Relax, Cyn. It's all a bit of fun. Cynthia: 'All a bit of fun'?!! [Points to Monroe, still on his knees] Look at him, that's just one example of how seriously these people are taking you. Monroe: [tears streaming down cheeks] Oh, Great One, I need your advice. See, I'm starting a popcorn business, and I need your blessing to make it work... Cynthia: You have to do something. Hamish: Yeah, Sweetcheeks is right. These people think you're the second coming of Christ. That or they think you're Eddie McGuire. Mr S.: Alright....Alright. You're right, something needs to be done. Cynthia: Good. I knew you had it in ya, Sponty. [smiles] Mr S.: [steps up to address the crowd in the temple] My loyal and devoted followers....Half-priced drinks at the bar! Cynthia: [angrily] What?!!!.... Mr S.: Hey, relax!...It'll be easier to break it to them while they're drunk. Monroe: Genius....Praise the Lord! Scene 3: A little later on, SPONTANEOUS psyches himself up to confess to his (drunken) followers the horrid, horrid truth. Mr S.: Man...Man, I'm nervous about this. Cynthia: Relax, Sponty, you'll be fine. I'm proud of you for having the courage to own up to not being the Secong Coming of Christ. Mr S.: Thanks, Cyn. Cynthia: ...Although, you could've at least done it while they were sober. [Spontaneous gives Cynthia a 'Haha, that's a good one' look before stepping to address the masses] Mr S.: People of the Church of Spontatus - that includes you, Monroe... [Monroe shouts 'Hallelujah!'] ...I have a confession to make. [People keep drinking. One man starts to urinate in his own pants] Mr S.: ...I am not the holy being you think I am. In fact, I'm a 19 year-old who enjoys doing all kinds of stupid off-the-cuff things to draw attention to myself] [A man stands up, says/grunts incoherently 'grrRRAaaabbelealaaa', then falls over] Mr S.: I hope that you all can forgive me for my wrong-doing. After all, forgiveness is divine... Man In Robes: [standing up, walking toward Sponty] Ya know what, maaaate?....I love youse, mate....I really...[Sponty smiles] ....No, I do! I do!...C'arn, gis a hug, buddy...gis' a hug! [They hug] Mr S.: [pulling back] Hey, watch where you put those hands, buddy... Man In Robes: [Turns to the crowd] ...Is this a top bloke or what?! [Cheers go up. A few more people fall over] Cinema Manager: [To Sponty] Now, I don't want to tear you away from this, ah, 'beautiful moment', but I think we should leave before they sober up...or enter the 'violent phase' of drunkeness. Mr S.: Yeah, good idea. [Pause] And before they realise they've already donated thousands of dollars to me. Cynthia: Well, you should probably give that back...On the other hand, you can buy lunch. Let's go. Hamish: Bye bye, gullible drunks! Monroe: B-B-But...I thought I'd finally found God...Oh well, until I do, there's the popcorn business. Hey, wait for me!... FOR THE ANSWERS TO POSSIBLY ONE OF THESE QUESTIONS, COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR EPISODE #2C OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS!!' |