| Scene 1: After last week's dramatic cliffhanger, MR SPONTANEOUS finds himself in a strange ether-world - standing on the precipice of life and death...or something. Mr Spontaneous: [Awakening] W-W-Where am I?...Wha?...Who?...Spinach?... [No-one answers. Spontaneous sits up, surveying a totally black landscape with no definition of ground or sky. Occassionally bright lights or colours swirl around him] Mr S.: Ok. Things could be better...The only time I was more confused than this is when my Dad brought home a friend from work dressed as Ace Frehley from KISS. [Particularly echoing, eerie footsteps thud through the air. Sponty stands up] Mr S.: Hello? [Nothing] Mr S.: Um, yeah....hi? [Nothing] Mr S.: Alright, stop f*cking around. [Raises fist, adopts crappy boxer stance] I'll take ya. [A few males approach] Mr S.: Who the hell?...Who are you guys?... First Guy: Allow me to introduce...ourselves. Wait, is that grammatically correct? Second Guy: Hmmm. It sounds a little dubious, if you ask me. Which you were. First Guy: Well, we're floating on the astral plane - what do we care? Mr Spontaneous: [Motioning with hands] Yeah, I'm still here fellas. Hiya. First Guy: Oh yeah, sorry...I'm Mr Carefully-Planned and my friend here is Mr Moribund. Mr S.: Um. Right. Mr Carefully-Planned: We were sent here by the heavenly deities, in your state of life-or-death teetering, to provide a challenge to your spontaneous persona. Being, respectively, a meticulous planner and a person so boring they resemble a dying man, we provide the natural foils to your roguish brand of devil-may-care tomfoolery. Mr S.: ...I understood about three words of that. Mr Moribund: You would be wise, at this hazardous juncture in your possibly soon-to-end life to rid yourself of your loutish audacity and heed our words. Mr S.: You're both certainly loquacious. Mr M: Lo-qua...? Mr C-Planned: Yes, well, anyway...we're here in a capacity as spiritual guides, guardian angels of sorts. As your labour at this brink of your impending demise to steal yourself back to your life on Earth, we will provide obstacles to impede your progress. It is only through spiritual rebirthing and the gaining of knowledge that you will defeat us and return -- Mr S.: [distracted] Haha. Look, I just saw the ghost of John Denver! Mr M: [to Mr C-P] This is going to be easier than we thought. Mr C-Planned [nodding] Mmm-hmmm. [To Mr S] Back to what I was saying...We will simultaneuosly guide and hamper you on your journey back to the mortal world. It's not too dissimilar from the film It's A Wonderful Life. Have you seen it? Mr S.: Yeah....That's the one with Jimmy Stewart, right?... Mr C-Planned: ...Yes, that's -- Mr S: -- And Carmen Electra? [Pause] Mr M: [To Mr C-P] Oh, so verrrry easy... Scene 2: Still in the ethereal limbo world, SPONTANEOUS, MR CAREFULLY-PLANNED and MR MORIBUND embark on the first on Sponty's 'tests' Mr C-Planned: OK, Spontaneous...When I count to three, you will be plunged into a world full of boring procedure and mundane, simple existence. It is hoped that, through this, you will learn a greater understanding for and in turn conduct a greater tolerance toward the people you consider 'boring'. Mr S.: 'When I count to three?' What are you, a magician?! Mr C-Planned: It's just the way we do things around here. Don't get smart. Are you ready, Mr Spontaneous? Mr S.: I'm as ready as a sailor at the doors of a whorehouse...sir. Mr C-Planned: Hmmm....charming. OK....1....2...and...3. [Spontaneous' eyes slam shut. They soon open to be greeted with the image of an accountants office. Sponty gazes down - he is dressed is a dull grey suit] Mr S.: Oh God. I've become my father. [Suddenly, demons leap forth to poke and prod at Sponty with canes] Demon #1: SPONTANEOUS! I want those accounts payable on my desk by noon today! Do you know what having this project finished means to our firm?! Mr S.: Um....No? Demon #1: It means RESULTS, you boob! Get adding, or it's your arse! Mr S.: Yes sir -- Demon #2: How many times have I asked you to check the balances on the Miller Pipes Inc. Accounts Payable?! Mr S.: Aah..Isn't this the first -- Demon #2: Silence!! I want them on my desk by two this afternoon....OR IT'S YOUR ARSE! Mr S: Alright....Ah, couldn't you have figured out something a little different to say? You just sounded like a cheap copy of that first demon. Demon #2: No, my creativity - if it ever existed - was stifled and snuffed out long ago. That's why I'm here. Mr S: At least you're 'accountant' enough to admit it. Demon #2: Thankyou [turns to leave] ...Oh, and Spontaneous?!!! Mr S: Whaaaat?! Demon #2 Could you run downstairs to the foyer kiosk and get me the latest New Idea. I'm *dying* to see their latest scoop on Fergie's topless poolside romp. The pictures are apparently the sauciest yet! Mr S.: Yes sir...as long as I don't have to look at them. [Demon #2 leaves. Spontaneous swivels in his chair to face his computer keyboard] Mr S.: Wow, this ergonomic chair feels fantastic on my lower back. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's 'chiro-tastic'! [Pause] Mr S.: Hmmm...Now to these accounts...[stifles a yawn]...According to this purchases journal, on December 4th the firm purchased a crate of office supplies...[looks closer]...and apparently a yearly subscription to New Idea. Hmm, ok, now let's see here... [He punches the numbers into the computer balance sheet] Mr S.: ...And on the 5th, we bought 3 CDs featuring the soothing new age sounds of Enya and the Pan Pipe Players, to create office tranquility...Hmmm, that can go under 'Office Expenses'... MUCH, MUCH LATER Mr S.: ...And then on the 18th we purchased a immigrant Estonian boy to provide foot massages to visiting clients...Ok, that's a debit to 'Slave Expense' and a credit to 'Cash' [taps away at keyboard] ...Hey, this ain't so bad... [Hits 'ENTER'. The screen dissolves away into a primitive-looking video-game. Spontaneous, face flush with mortal fear, breaks into loud wails and sobs] Mr S.: P-ONG!!!! IT'S PONG!!!......OH GOD....4 HOURS I'VE SAT AT THIS COMPUTER!!!.....P...P-P-P....POOONNNNNNNG!!!! [Wearily shakes fist to the ceiling] [Demon #1 leaps in] Demon #1: So, Spontaneous I trust you've...WHAT?!...From the looks of things you haven't finshed!!...Oh well, you'll have to front the shareholders now. They'll want to know why the company they've invested copious amounts of money in is 'down the shitter', so to speak. [Demon #2 leaps in] Demon #2: SPONTANEOUS!! Where's topless Fergie? I want my Fergie-breast NOW! Do you know how hard it is helping run a company of this size?...I need a little 'relief', if you know what I mean... Secretary: [To S] Mr Spontaneous, it's the hospital. The tests are in: Monroe's pregnant, and you're the father. Congratulations! [Spontaneous is boiling, breathing heavily. The phrases all ring and swirl around in his ears as he breaks down] Mr S.: C-Can't... **Accounts payable!!** Mr S.: ...take... **Estonian Boy!!** Mr S.: ...any... **Shareholders!!** Mr S.: ...more... **PONG!!** Mr S.: ...of... **Monroe's pregnant!!** Mr S.: ...THIS!!!...AAAAAHHHH!!! [Spontaneous leaps from behind his desk, runs across to an open office window and looks at the street below] Mr S.: Farewell, cruel world of accounting. And Urkel. [Leaps out] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH - **dush!** [The pavement which Spontaneous was plummeting toward and the world that was rushing past have disappeared, replaced once again with the dark ether-world] Mr Carefully-Planned: So...Did you learn anything from that horrific experience? Are you now appreciative of the fact that there's a real world out there, and that some people in it aren't capable of - or simply can't afford - being flippant and meddlesome, like you? Mr S.: No. If anything I realise even more how much my parents' job sucks and how I need to be extra-ordinary to break up the mundane; replace the routine with something more exciting. Mr Carefully-Planned: So you learned nothing? Mr S.: ...In a manner of speaking. Mr Carefully-Planned: Oh well, we tried. Pick a card - you get the right one and you can go home. Mr S.: You're no astral being; you are a magician, aren't you?!! Mr Carefully-Planned: I told you once. Now, pick a card. [Spontaneous selects a card] Mr Carefully-Planned: Now, if I can guess what your card is, you stay here in the eternal damnation of limbo. If I don't, you can leave. Mr S.: ...Hang on, w-w-wait a second. Isn't that a little stupid? You want to keep me here and challenge me til I become a better person, yet the odds are majorly stacked against you. Mr Carefully-Planned: That's because I want to get rid of you, truth be told....Four of spades. Mr S.: [Sighs] No, actually, it's a -- Mr Carefully-Planned: [snatches card] Let me see that....It's four of spades. Mr S.: Look, I'd like nothing more than to leave, but that's a friggin' King of Diamonds. Mr Carefully-Planned: No, I think we lost, you won. Mr Moribund, your thoughts? Mr Moribund: Leave. Now. Get the f**k out of here. Mr Carefully-Planned: See...It was a four of spades. Now come on, you're going. Mr S.: [shrugs shoulders incredulously] Faaiiir enough... Mr Carefully-Planned: Alright. When I pull this rabbit out of my hat, you will be transported back to your mortal world. Mr S.: Liar! You are a magician! Mr Carefully-Planned: Goodbye. [Pulls rabbit out of hat. Spontaneous glows and vanishes] Mr Moribund: Phew, that was a close one. I think we covered up the fact that you're a low-class carnival magician pretty well, in the end. Mr Carefully-Planned: No-one must know my dark secret....Anyway, let's have a cup of tea. [Waves magic wand, cups of hot tea appear] Mr Moribund: Wow...behold!! Scene 3: At the hospital bedside of SPONTANEOUS, CYNTHIA, MONROE, and the respective families, including Sponty's mum GLADYS, take vigil. [Spontaneous stirs awake as his soul re-enters his body] Mr S.: [groans awake] Unh....Grrr...Aaahh... Gladys Hey! My boy's back!!! Cynthia: Sponty!! Hey!... [The crowd mills around the bed] Gladys: Are you okay, son? Mr S.: Unh...M-Mum...It was the weirdest thing. I was stuck in ethereal limbo...then these guys made me an accountant...and Monroe was pregnant... Monroe: [defensively] Hey! How dare you!!.......I'm waiting until marriage... Cynthia: Well, the important thing is that you're back with us now and that your okay...well, as okay as ever, I guess... Mr S.: Yeah...And after that, I came home via a stormy realm where all time and space was visible to me at once...It was so surreal - I could see the past, present and future, all the planets and stars - hey, did you know it turns out Ricky Martin's not gay after all? [Pause] [Crowd starts laughing] Mr S.: No, it's true! You'll see!...He sleeps with Madonna... [Crowd stops laughing] Monroe: Now that's plausible. Gladys: Here you are dear... [hands Sponty a present] You're back just in time for Christmas... Mr S.: Wow...Just like It's A Wonderful Life!...When Jimmy Stewart comes back on Christmas Eve, to find out his wife Carmen Electra has raised the money he needs...Hey, I wonder if... [Suddenly, Sponty grabs his chest, and his heart monitor starts beeping frenetically and sounding an alarm] Monroe: [approaching a convulsing Sponty] Hey, my teacher told me that whenever a heart monitor beeps wildly, an ethereal angel makes a volunteer's watch disappear, only to find it in his pants pocket. Mr S.: Hey...dammit, I knew he was a magician...[Looks up to the sky] Thanks, guys. FOR THE ANSWERS TO PROBABLY NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS (I'D SAY DEFINITELY NONE)...YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS! YES, THAT'S RIGHT, MR SPONTANEOUS WILL RETURN ON JANUARY 8TH WITH EPISODE #2E: "AMONGST OTHER THINGS, TECHNOLOGY GAVE US KILLER ROBOTS - HELL-BENT ON OUR DESTRUCTION". UNTIL THEN, ENJOY NEXT WEEK'S 'BEST-OF' CLIP SHOW REPEAT OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS!!' |