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Hi there! I'm your host Todd McSway, and this week it's a change of tack for Mr Spontaneous - that's right, this week we look back at highlights from the first two seasons of the serial. Everyone has their favourite moments - heck, everytime I remember the infamous gay kiss between Spontaneous and Monroe I burst out laughing - and tonight we'll attempt to get in as many as possible. [Moves across to video screen] The first clip we remember tonight is in fact one of the very first times we encountered our lovable friends. I won't say anymore, but we'll roll the clip and let the memories flow back for you... Clip #1: A Depression-era ghetto. A ragged-looking SPONTANEOUS, in bowler hat and soiled clothes, sits on the steps outside the probationary swillhouse where commoners drink their troubles away with illegally-produced liquor [MONROE approaches] Monroe: Hallo, Sponty old man. Mr Spontaneous: [glumly] Top o' the mornin', Monroe. Monroe: Whatcha seein'? Whatcha being, old friend? Mr S.: Bah....My girlfriend dumped me last afternoon - all because I couldn't hold down a job! Monroe: Oh, hard luck my good fellow... Mr S.: But I mean...HELLO! Who else has a job?! It's the f**king depression, for pity's sake. Monroe: Jesus....Don't take it so hard. Mr S.: Yeah, I shouldn't....but I can't help it, Monroe. She's the most gorgeous girl in this slum...her eyes, her sweet lilting voice...Her sexed-up body... Monroe: You're right. She is hella sexed-up. Mr S.: Yeah. She's all that kept me sane in this crazy economically-challenged world. Monroe: Oh well, chin up, mate. So...Are we going to try and set up an illegal alcohol still of our own? I hear it's easy...and profitable. [winks] Mr S.: It's funny you should mention, because I've been looking -- hang on, now just hang on one second...What the hell are we saying? Monroe: W-W-What ever do you mean? Mr S: I mean, why the hell are we in a depression-era ghetto? This never happened in the serial! Monroe: Shhhhh....Ixnay on the epression-dera-tay... [Whispering to Sponty] It's in our contract: one clip show every two series, with at least one hard-luck dramatic reference or historical scene in each one... Mr S.: No, screw this -- [Screen goes blank] Todd McSway: Hahahaaa...Aaaaah, what a lovable rogue, that Mr Spontaneous....Ah, now to our next clip. Of course, you'll all remember this one, so enough of me...let's watch! Clip #2: Spontaneous and Hamish are walking down a normal, suburban street Hamish: ...and then I said 'Pipe down, Grandma. By hiding in the trunk, we save money at the toll-booth just ahead!' Mr S.: Makes perfect sense. I once tied my cousin to the underside of the car with nylon rope for a similar purpose. Hamish: What?! Avoiding the extra toll charge on another person in the car? Mr S.: No, just basically for my own amusement. Hamish: Oh......Oh.... Mr S.: You know, we've always had our differences -- Hamish: Possibly the greatest understatement of the year... Mr S.: Yeah, well, anyway...Spending time with you this afternoon has made me see things a whole lot more clearly... Hamish: I know what you mean.... Mr S.: In fact... [Porno bass and wah-wah guitar soundtrack kicks in] Todd McSway: OH........GOD! Where the hell are these clips coming from?! I mean, Christ, I know I didn't come to rehearsal - but couldn't someone have warned me - [Realises he's on air] - Heeeey! Welcome back. That was a rare scene, not previously aired. Interesting viewing, eh? [Holds back vomit] Ok, well, now for a musical number. You know this musical guest from their constant touring and their smash hit singles and double-platinum albums. For a few years in the late eighties and early nineties they were the 'cream' on the 'cherry pie', so to speak. To perform that classic, 'Cherry Pie', please welcome...WARRANT!!! [Wild Applause] Jani Lane, Vocalist: "She's my cherry pie, Cold drink of water such a sweet surprise Tastes so good, make a grown man cry Sweet cherry pieeeeeee.... Todd McSway: Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen: Warrant!!!... [Applause] ...Who said 'rock is dead', huh? Jani Lane, Vocalist: But wait, man!...We have another 8 verses to come! This is the 2001 edition 'extended mix'! Todd McSway: Haha, maybe later. Well, ladies and gentlemen: you've read the serial; you've seen the delighful..ly crap website Mule HQ [Audience laughs] and you've taken pleasure in his emotional turmoil...please welcome the human piece of shit himself, Nick Marland! [Applause. Todd moves over to a couch where Nick is already sitting] Todd McSway: Hi Nick...It's so lovely to have you here on this special night. Nick Marland: Where's my bananas? Todd McSway: [Laughs, slightly afraid] Ok..Heh..Ah, so, Nick, tell us: What's it like to write the internet's most hated weekly serial? Nick Marland: [To the tune of 'I Don't Like Cricket"] "I don't like cricket...No, No...I just had sex with it once....and now it won't return my calls..." Todd McSway: [Mumbles 'Get Security' to someone off camera] Um, right...It would be nice if you just answered some of these questions -- Nick Marland: What? Oh, sorry Todd...I'm just trying out some new catchphrases on an unsuspecting audience. Todd McSway: Catchphrases? Nick Marland: Yeah...When you're a barren, soulless pit like myself, you need gimmicks - such as a catchphrase - to compete with everyone better than you - and [winks] impress tha ladies. Todd McSway: Oh God...[angrily] Yeah, great way to bring down the tone of the show.....Nick...[thinking hard for an insult]...The Prick! Nick Marland: [Sarcastically] Damn. Haven't heard that one before. [Pause] C'mon, Todd, let's be adults here. Ask me a question. Todd McSway: Ok, sorry Pr- I, ah, I mean 'Nick'...So, how has the success of your website Mule HQ changed your life? Nick Marland: Suc-cess?! [Smirking] Succ....cessshahaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- Todd McSway: Ah, we'll take a break. We'll be right back. [Nick howls with bitter laughter out to the commerical] ******************************** "Hey young fella......How you be? What's that? You're sad? Why sad? Your parents didn't give you any Christmas presents? Why, that's a little mean!!....All children should celebrate the magic of Christmas!! I'm of a right mind to go to your father and give him a good ol' fashioned piece of my mind!! What a mean pair of so-and-sos!! Do they feed you? Where do you sleep? Do they-- What's that?... .....Dead?.... .....Plane Crash?..... Oh....."[Man slowly backs away, then breaks into a sprint] Ad Voiceover: New from pharmaceutical giant Pfizer: "Tact Pills" Never feel ashamed to be alive because of your stupidity and lack of tact again. Now available in 'Original' and 'Sweet Cherry Fizz'. See your doctor for a prescription...... "Pfizer 'Tact Pills': Because you're an ass!" -------------------------------------------- Ad Voiceover: NEW! From the makers of Home Alone, Home Alone 2 - in fact, all the 'Home Alone's up until Home Alone 11, where we decided we didn't want to do a script which compromised our artistic integrity - comes a new film which is sure to have you rolling in the aisles this holiday season! Kid Locked In The Basement While His Parents Are On Holiday!!! An original new script, a crack film-making team and young 'rising star' child actor Mullahy O'Pherson combine to bring you this funny new adventure... Young Daniel was expecting to have a nice family holiday in Burma with his parents...but what ends up happening to him, you won't believe!! COMING SOON TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU!!! PS. The kid dies. ********************************** Todd McSway: Hi, we're back. I'm speaking with Nick Marland, creator of Mr Spontaneous. Nick Marland: [Laughter petering out] ...haha...ha...aaaaah. Man, that was good. I've never laughed for 3 straight minutes before. Todd McSway: So, Nick, how has the site changed you? Nick Marland: Ah, well, now more people I know think I'm a sad geek... Todd McSway: Uh-huh... Nick Marland: ...Um...I guess, if anything, it's elevated my global profile. I mean, for a while there I was living the high life, and my site was suffering as a result... Todd McSway: I take it you mean...Your highly-publicised affair with Kate Winslet? Nick Marland: Yeah, I mean, she only got married - what, last year? - but when we met at the gala launch of 'Mule Of Fate' we just hit it off. It was a wonderful few months, and she is so incredibly beautiful. The sex was incredible but, of course, it couldn't last - it just couldn't. Todd McSway: Right...And just finally, do you think it's sick for people to live out their fantasies vicariously through their website? [Pause] Nick Marland: Yeah, screw you too, you ficitional TV host. Todd McSway: Ladies and gentlemen, can we hear it for Nick Marland? [A few claps echo in the studio. Crickets chirp outside] Todd McSway: Well, it's almost that time of the night - the time where we must say goodbye. But, if parting is such sweet sorrow, then this last clip is bitter almonds. Here we go with the last clip for tonight's show! Hit it! Clip #3: A grainy-looking video, apparently taken by a hidden camera. Todd McSway sits alone at a desk in a small office, talking to a hand puppet of William Shatner in his role as T.V. cop 'T.J. Hooker' Todd McSway: You..Y-Y-You don't know what it's like, Bill...I'm 40 next May, and I can't even get a regular gig. I hosted the pilot for a revamped 'Price Is Right' a few weeks ago, but they turned me down in favour of keeping Larry Emdur... [The William Shatner puppet nods in understandment] Todd McSway: ...Sure, you pretend to understand...But how can you know what it's like. You still get gigs. You write best-selling books. You star in American commercials...You even recorded MUSIC, for Christ's sake. [Pause] What do I have to do? Puppet: [Muffled, is obviously McSway throwing his voice] Well, Todd, I can't give you any advice. You're an incredibly....sexy man with talent to boot. Todd McSway: ...Well, thankyou Mr Shatner... Puppet: ...But none of that matters a cent, because I know you did it. Todd McSway: No, it wasn't me. I was framed! Puppet: You killed her, I have all the proof I need. Wouldn't you just rather confess? -- Todd McSway: ALRIIIGHT!!! I killed her! I killed her!! I needed the money...[Sobbing]...Please, Bill, you've gotta help me! Puppet: I'm sorry, you're beyond help, Todd...and stop calling me 'Bill'. It's William to you! Todd McSway: Oh God why?!!! WHYYY?!!!....[Smashes a bottle of whisky on his desk, breaks down in tears] [The clip ends. The studio is totally silent. McSway smiles for the camera] Todd McSway: A-hem. Ah. We, ah. We seem to have aired the wrong clip there...Well...That's live T.V.: anything can...happ- [Breaks down crying] Good-night!.... [Credits roll. Under the theme music, Nick laughs at Todd] COME BACK ON JANUARY 22ND FOR SERIES 3 OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS'!! |