| Scene 1: Standing outside a film-screening room before the premiere of Doggy Moon, MR SPONTANEOUS, MONROE, CYNTHIA and HAMISH wait patiently for the coming premiere screening, chatting to guests and each other whilst they do. Hamish: [To Cynthia] So, remind me again - what's the basic premise behind this movie? Cynthia: Well, it's the year 2019 and an evil empire has arisen in the moon colony on Fadnos 5, led by the nefarious Rulon Cadmia - played by Gary Busey. It's up to a hi-tech cyber-dog voiced by Tim Allen to save the day. Hamish: Aaah, I see... Cynthia: Apparently it's a modern-day remake of Casablanca... Hamish: It...is? Well, gee......it sounds lame as hell. Cynthia: Yeah, definitely. Next time, I choose the movie. Hamish: Well, the only reason we're here is because it's the premiere and Monroe's Popcorn Industry had a stake in the budget of the film, I guess. Cynthia: Yeah, how weird...Popcorn was a boom industry after all. Monroe: [Over-hearing] You're damn right it is, Cynthia my voluptuous friend. I'm rolling in money like it was a bowlfull of delicious buttery popcorn. I don't want to sound condescending or gloating, but there was a supply void in the market which I astutely judged...and filled. Cynthia: No, you didn't. You took one of Sponty's jokes seriously and followed it up. Hamish: You're basically a fluke. In a nutshell. Mr Spontaneous: [Over-hearing whilst schmoozing with the cast] I'm sorry, Tim, you're going to have to excuse me...I REALLY LOVED HOME IMPROVEMENT!! [Turns to Cynthia and Hamish] I'm sorry, but I couldn't help over-hearing...and I would like to defend my friend Monroe in the face of these scurrilous accusations and rabid hearsay. [Gesturing to Monroe] This man is a financial giant, and for good reason - he used his considerable nous to turn what was thought of as a product with little room for change into the hottest food item this summer...I mean, who else would have thought to lace individual popcorn pieces with small quantities of nicotine? Cynthia: You're only saying that because Monroe set you up to get cheap cocaine from Tim Allen. Mr S.: True. Yeah, fair point. Which reminds me, where did he go?... Hamish: I think he was headed towards the bathroom. Mr S.: [Smacks forehead] OF COURSE! [Heads towards bathroom] [An Announcement comes over the P.A.: "We now request your presence in the theatre for the screening"] Monroe: Ah, crap...time to go in. Cynthia: What about Sponty? Monroe: Oh, he'll be fine. One of the ushers will show him in when he gets back from the bathroom. Cynthia: Ok, if you say so. Let's head in - the sooner we get this crappy movie over with, the better. [Patrons begin to file in to the preview theatre. After they have all disappeared, Sponty emerges from the bathroom.] Mr S.: Hmmm...Good thing I faked a chronic drug addiction - now I can get out of seeing that movie...'cyberdog'?! What a heap of crap! [Looks around] Mr S.: Now...what to do...what to do...must...be...spontaneous... [Spontaneous looks outside, notices a limo speedily pull up to the curb and Tim Allen jumping in] Mr S.: Hmmm...Now, either Tim Allen realises that his own movie is crap...or something shady is going on... [From inside the limo, Sponty hears a goat cry out] Mr S.: Ok, it's something shady. [Follows the limo] Scene 2: The limo, still being tailed by SPONTANEOUS (riding a tricycle) pulls up outside - wait for it - MONROE'S Popcorn Factory! Another piece of the puzzle... Mr S.: [Crouching behind a bush] Hmmm...What does the innocent-enough snack popcorn have to do with this? Is Monroe somehow involved in Allen's crackheaded scheme? [Emerging from within the limo, Tim Allen puffs a cigarette. Inside, Sponty can hear a dog barking the alphabet] Mr S.: If I had of had some of the free cocktails back at the premiere, I would say I was hallucinating...but all I drank was toilet water... [Allen walks towards a back entrance of the popcorn factory complex] Mr S.: Alright...As much as every instinct in me is telling me to run fast and far, I'm a-gonna find out what's going on here. [Spontaneous gets up and runs stealthily toward the entrance, walking in] Mr S.: Oh...dear...God... Tim Allen: Ah, I was waiting for you to show up, Spontaneous! Welcome to a little part of the factory that Monroe doesn't know about...The Cyber-Animal Experimentation Compound!!! [laughs evilly] Mr S.: Oh man...Look, I didn't want to see that crappy movie in the first place - that's why I followed you from the premiere. Tim Allen: Aah, yes, but unlike the movie, these cybernetic animals - such as the dogs and goats you heard in the limo - are all too real! [laughs evilly] Mr S.: But why? Why create such abominations of nature?! Tim Allen: Take a wild stab in the dark... Mr S.: Hmmm...because your career's up shit creek with a turd for a paddle? Tim Allen: Ah, well, I wouldn't have used the same words...but yes. Mr S.: But how is this going to help?!! Tim Allen: Think about all the benefits for mankind! Pets that can do all your thinking for you! Hand-to-hand combat fought by technologically-sophisticated hawks and squirrels! Sheep who can tell you when they think their wool is ready...Think of the possibilities!!! Mr S.: Um, well, all your suggestions so far haven't swayed me. Tim Allen: Oh. Mr S.: You need a more convincing case, dude. Tim Allen: Hey, give me a break... Mr S.: Sorry. Tim Allen: [Somewhat unenthusiastically] Guards...seize him... Mr S.: [Taking the initiative] See?! Like that, for example! An evil, meddling-with-nature genius has to be a little more forceful. [Guards roughly grab him] Mr S.: Although, I guess it has the same effect regardless....So, where are these cyberanimals anyways? Tim Allen: Come...let me show you... [Pause] Mr S.: That's better....although try to emphasise 'show' more...maybe a little raised eyebrow or something... Scene 3: Back inside the theatre CYNTHIA, MONROE and HAMISH are into the second 'riveting' hour of Doggy Moon. They chatter to each other in amongst the dialogue. Cynthia: [restless] My GOD, this is lame.....Oh, come on, just kill the dog already! [To Hamish] The Evil leader guy has an easy chance to do away with his arch-nemesis - a dog, for Christsakes, and instead he recites Yeatsian poetry to him before slowly putting him to death!...[Yelling at the screen again] Kill the freakin' dog!! Hamish: Yeah...[Sarcastically] I seriously expected better from Spielberg after Bicentennial Man. Monroe: I really wasted my money on this. I mean, movies are good, but they taste nowhere near as good as popcorn. Think how much popcorn I could have made with that $2.3 million.... Rulon Cadmia (Gary Busey): Well, Silicon Pooch...how does it feel to now you're only moments away from an excruciating world of pain resulting in you inevitable death at the hands of my 'De-Atomiser Ray'?! Silicon Pooch (Tim Allen): Ruff!! Rulon Cadmia: Hahahaaaaa!...You're a FOOL to think you'll escape! No man has ever survived the barbaric, searing heat and total destruction of being torn apart nuclei-by-nuclei!! Do you have any last words?! Silicon Pooch: [Scratches self; pants] Rulon Cadmia: Vainglorious mutt...then...DIE!!! [Switches on De-Atomiser Ray] Hamish: Oh God, this is worse than deatomisation....whatever that is. Monroe, you really could have invested in something more worthwhile than this. Monroe: Hmmm...Yeah, well, the UN called about something to do with 'curing diseases' or something - but at the time I told them where to "shove their philanthropy". [looks sheepish] Cynthia: Aaah...We all make mistakes, Mon. I don't know about you two, but I don't plan to make the 'mistake' of sitting through this vile refuse. [Stands up] Who's coming with me? [The three look up to the screen, as if to give the film one more chance] [Silicon Pooch is strapped to the wall, feeling the heat of the Ray radiating, inching closer to full power] Silicon Pooch: [Whimpers] huuuu huuuu huuuu uuuurrr [Camera close up shows beads of sweat on Silicon Pooch's brow] Rulon Cadmia: Hahaha...END-GAME, YOU MEDDLING QUADRUPED!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! [Suddenly, the mention of his legs gives Pooch an idea] Silicon Pooch: [In garbled dog-voice ala. Scooby Doo] Rnot sho faarsht, Caadmia!! [Pooch lifts his leg and projectile urinates on the Ray-gun, causing a short circuit. He then breaks free of his shackles] [Cynthia, Hamish and Monroe are momentarily stunned by what they have seen] Hamish: [Shaking head to snap out of it] Alright, I'm coming with you, Cyn. Monroe: Me too...I have to stop by the factory on the way back though, if that's alright. Cynthia: Sure. Monroe: Yeah, I have to check on the homeless guys. I let them bathe in the butter vats, but now they're sleeping in my office and that's where I draw the line. Cynthia: Riiiight. [They leave the theatre] Scene 4: Back inside TIM ALLEN'S secret lair, within the popcorn factory complex, Allen prepares to unveil some of his cybernetic creations to SPONTANEOUS Tim Allen: Here, under this cloth, is the result of a year's constant hard labour...of toils and triumphs far beyond the extent of your feeble understanding... Mr Spontaneous: ...And screw you, too... Tim Allen: Behold!! [Whips off the cover] [Several seconds of silence] Mr S.: Um...ah... Tim Allen: Well?! Are you dazzling by the dizzying march of science upon the ranks of mortal Nature and God's creation? Mr S.: [Trying to find the composure] Ah, well...I-It's just a dog, isn't it? Tim Allen: Huh? Mr S.: Well, it's a dog, isn't it? It's just a cute little dog. Tim Allen: Ah, well, yes...I think you're missing the unnatural melding of beast and machine... Mr S.: No...No, I can see that it has a transistor radio gaffa-taped to it's hind leg. But that's hardly 'cybernetic' now, is it? Tim Allen: ...But what about the piece of tin foil on it's ear... Mr S.: Ah...[struggles to keep from laughing]...again, that's not 'machine and beast as one'. You haven't re-written the laws of nature. Tim Allen: [Breaking down] Why do you have to pick faults in my work? I now it's not perfect, but as I said, I've only been working for a year! Do you know how hard it is to bounce back after something like Jungle2Jungle?! [They hear Monroe and company arriving through the front entrance] Mr S.: Look, I really pity you more than anything, so I'm gonna give you the chance to leave now. [A stream of buttery, sleepy-looking homeless guys begin to flee from Monroe's office toward the back door] Mr S.: There's your chance...Blend in with them. Tim Allen: Thankyou. You are indeed a greater man than I. Mr S.: Hey, you're preaching to the converted, man. Now go. [Tim Allen flees outside to his limo. No sooner has he left than Monroe and the others enter the room] Monroe: Hey Sponty...Cute dog. Mr S.: Yeah...[looks down at dog]...Looks like he's mine now. Hamish: Hmm...Couldn't go to a more irresponsible guy. Cynthia: Good to see...Anyway, Sponty, what the hell are you doing in here? Mr S.: Hmmm....Well, let's just say that Monroe needs to take a good hard look at his security. All kinds of weirdos could get in here...Yours truly included. Monroe: Point taken. Say, who wants some butter...straight from the vat? WHY HAS IT TAKEN SO LONG FOR A NEW EPISODE OF MR SPONTANEOUS? WHY DO I GET THE FUNNY INKLING THAT NO-ONE CARES EITHER WAY? DO YOU THINK THAT THE MORAL OF THIS EPISODE IS THAT GENETICS AND THE LAWS OF NATURE ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH...OR THAT TIM ALLEN IS SO DESPERATE FOR WORK THAT HE'LL EVEN APPEAR IN A CRAPPY INTERNET SERIAL? WHY PICK ON TIM ALLEN ANYWAY?...WHY NOT GARY BUSEY INSTEAD? I MEAN, AFTER ALL, HE HAS ENORMOUS TEETH - AND THAT HAS TO BE FUNNY, RIGHT? DON'T YOU LOVE HOW EVERY SENTENCE HERE IS A QUESTION? NO? WELL, I DON'T EITHER. OOOOH, THAT LAST ONE DIDN'T END IN A QUESTION! NEITHER DID THAT ONE, EH? SO ANYWAY, SINCE WHEN DID POPCORN BECOME A 'GROWTH INDUSTRY'? NOW THAT MONROE'S SO RICH, ISN'T IT ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE A GOLD-DIGGING TRAMP ALA. IVANKA TRUMP STARTS MAKING REGULAR APPEARANCES IN THIS SERIAL, TRYING TO MARRY MONROE FOR HIS MONEY? HOW COME SPONTY, CYNTHIA, MONROE AND HAMISH ARE ALL UNI STUDENTS, YET NONE OF THEM ARE EVER AT UNI? HMMM...MUST BE ARTS STUDENTS, HUH? WILL CYNTHIA GET NEW FRIENDS?! COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR THE ANSWERS TO BETWEEN 0 AND 5 OF THESE QUESTIONS IN EPISODE #3B OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS'!! |