| Scene 1: Spontaneous sits in a lecture theatre, ignoring the class being presented in front of him. All he can think of is getting the hell out - sound familiar to anyone?... Lecturer: And so it was in Pre-Industrial Europe - the iconoclastic schools of thought propogated by the Italian Renaissance thinkers soon spread like wildfire amongst Europe's cultural elite and academia. Mr Spontaneous: [thinking] I wonder what Cher looks like naked? Lecturer: ...However, it would not be for many, many years - centuries, even - that the lower classes, too, would learn to accept the empiricist notions of self. Mr S.: [thinking] Because, I imagine she'd have a lot of work done. On the other hand, maybe she's only really had her face altered. Hmmm...Not something I entirely want to think about, but it's perplexing. Lecturer: And so we ask ourselves: Why, indeed, did this radical way of thinking take so long to gain any acceptance from middle and lower classes? Well, firstly, you have the fact that organised religion - Catholicism and such - was deeply ingrained in these lower God-fearing classes... Mr S.: [thinking still] God, Jesus, I have to get out of here. Lecturer: ...Which taught from childhood that no one man was important enough for such thought. One only has to look at the seven deadly sins as proof of the ah, ah, ah, ah... [Searching for word, as lecturers tend to do] Mr S.: Come on. Say the friggin' word... Lecturer: ...ah, ah, ah... Mr S.: Right. That tears it. I'm leaving. Lecturer: ...Ah, 'taboo' of self-realisation and indulgence. Any quest-- Yes? Mr Spontaneous? Mr S.: Yeah, ok...Ah, did Pre-Industrial Europeans fantasise about murdering their lectures in a particularly gruesome fashion too? Or is that just modern kids? Lecturer: [Looks completely stunned] Ah... Mr S.: [Stands up, walks to door] You'll have to excuse me sir - I have to go buy a hunting knife, 5 kilos of meat and a wild pig. And a gun. Lecturer: R-R-Right. Ah, see you next Monday! Mr S.: [Jovially] No, you won't! [Shuts door] [Long Pause] Lecturer: [Turns back toward class] Wow. What a jerk. (Print it out and sing it with friends!) He's so inspired, the way his life it is run Everyday he nearly kills someone He likes to walk to his own little beat Once he ate a sandwich he had made with his feet He's Mr Spontaneous (la-la-la) His claims are erroneous That didn't rhyme, did it? No.... He's Mr (Mr, Mr, Mr) Spontaneous, oh He's charming, the way that he knocks people over He's so subtle, just like a supernova With his best pal Monroe, he'll make it a treat Did we mention he ate a sandwich made with his own feet? He's Mr Spontaneous (la-la-la) His ways will make him famous (la-la-la) Or at least earn him a good kick in the ass... He's Mr (Mr, Mr, Mr, Mr) SPON-TAINNNN-EEEE-OOUUUUSSSSSSSSSSS!....Spontaneous! Words & Music: Nick Marland Performed by the Buxom Women's Choral Auxiliary and The Ghost Of Frank Sinatra [Spontaneous enters the store] Hamish: [Looking up from his counter] Ah, hello. Classes got boring, huh? Mr S.: No, my class was fascinating, but I was inexplicably drawn - almost against my own will - to prothestic limbs, and I knew I'd find them here. Hamish: Oh, very funny. At least I have a job. Mr S.: Hey, I don't need a job....As long as I keep stealing $50 notes out of Monroe's wallet. Hamish: You bastard!! Mr S.: Bah, he doesn't know anyway. Hamish: B-B-But that's not the point! Mr S.: Yeah, I know...But it helps me sleep better at night. Hamish: [Shakes head in disbelief] Ah...yeah...So, what really brings you here? Mr S.: Like I said, I'm just looking for things to do. Hamish: Well...There's the Mobile Blood Bank down at Civic Park. You could give blood. Mr S.: Hmmm...That's not my style. Hamish: Not your style? Mr S.: I prefer to auction my blood off to the highest bidder. Hamish: You're sick...No, no, I know what it is: You're afraid! Mr S.: [Forced bemusement] Afraid? Haha...T-T-That's...Stupid! Afraid! C'mon... Hamish: Then why don't you go donate some blood. Mr S.: [Bluffing] Alright, I will. Hamish: Ok, I'll come with you, muchâcho. I finish work in five minutes. Mr S.: No, I'll - I'm fine, really. [Starts to leave] I'll tell you all about it later... Hamish: [Relishing this] No, don't be ridiculous!! [Next shift worker arrives] Look, here's Garrett now...[To Garrett] Hey Garrett, could you take over early? I'm going with Sponty down to the - Garrett: Yeah, sure buddy. [Smiles] Mr S.: This is madness! Where's...Where's the spontaneity in this? Hamish: It's written all over it! I mean, did you come here with any intention of going to the blood bank? Mr S.: Ah, well-- Hamish: Of course you didn't! [Grabs jacket] Now, let's go be charitable! Mr S.: [Grumbles "Do we have to?"] Hamish: That's the spirit! Scene 3: Back at the university, SPONTANEOUS' parents have been summoned by the Dean of the University for a "serious discussion" [Sponty's parents enter the Dean's office] Dean: Ah, hello Mr and Mrs Spontakos. I trust my receptionist told you over the phone what this is about? Sponty's Mum: Ah, yes - Why did yo-- Dean: Please, take a seat. [All three sit] Dean: Now, Mr and Mrs Spontakos, I - sorry, can I just say: you really don't look Greek. I don't - not trying to be racist or anything, but you look more Anglo-Celt than anything else. Oh well, not to worry... Sponty's Dad: G-Greek? Dean: Yes...Look, terribly sorry - shouldn't have brought it up. Now -- [Phone rings] Dean: Ah, you'll have to excuse me [Picks it up] Hello?...Oh, hello!...Yeah...No, well you see - Now, you listen here: when I bought that air conditioner, I had no idea it was 78% asbestos...Yes, well, the dealer claimed to be reputable...Don't give me that! You know just as well as I do that...Shut up! No, I said SHUT UP!...Oh yes, well...easy to say in hinsight, isn't it?...[Raises pitch of voice] "You never take responsibility for blahblah-de-blah"...Well, I'm going to have to go, I - Yes, I'll see. If I have time, I'll stop by the supermarket and get you some water...Alright, goodbye mother. [Hangs up] Dean: Parents, eh?....Ah, no offence or anything. Sponty's Dad: Ah, n-n-none taken...Now, look here, about this truancy business... Dean: Yes, word has it that your son just got up and left his lecture this morning. While this would normally be fine on a rare occassion, your son has got up and left during every lecture this semester - Plus, I might add, threatened the lecturer with castration, bad credit rating, voodoo curses and - this time - brutal murder. Now, whilst these threats were all admittedly jokes, we will not tolerate this kind of behaviour. Sponty's Dad: Well, yes Dean, understandably so. I don't know where he gets it from. We're both accountants, you see. Dean: Hmm, well, it's certainly coming from somewhere... Sponty's Dad: Well, Dean, I really-- Dean: Please! Don't call me 'Dean' all the time...[chuckles]..So formal! Just call me by my first name... Sponty's Dad: ...Which is? Dean: Dean. [Long awkward pause] Sponty's Dad: Riiight. Dean: Yes, well, with all that silliness out of the way, we can get back to business. You say your son's wild behaviour couldn't possibly be influenced by either of you sincer you are accountants and, therefore, boring. But maybe he is influenced by you, just not in the way you think... Sponty's Dad: Oh yes? Do go on, Dean. Dean: No, please: 'Dean'. Sponty's Dad: Yes. Sorry. Dean: Well, Mr Spontakos, maybe his wild behaviour is a result of his fiery Mediterranean heritage - manifesting itself in his daily rout-- Sponty's Mum: 'Mediterranean'? Sponty's Dad: Why 'Mediterranean'?! Dean: Well...Since you're of Greek descent - even though you don't look it-- Sponty's Dad: We're not Greek! What gave you that idea? Dean: ...Well, your name: 'Spontakos'. [Pause] Sponty's Mum: It's 'Spontaneous'. S-P-O-N-T-A-N-E-O-U-S. Dean: Oh dear. I thought my recpetionist said 'Spontakos'. Sponty's Dad: No, you boob. We're not Greek. Dean: Hmmm...well, no big deal, right? Sponty's Dad: Dean, are you even fit to be holding down an important job such as this. Dean: Probably not - but with an outburst like that, you can go back to calling me 'Dean'. Sponty's Dad: Whatever...[Standing up] C'mon, dear, we've got to find Sponty Junior. He has a lot of explaining to do. [To Dean] Thankyou for your help, De- Ah, sir. [Mum and Dad leave] [Dean re-seats himself] Dean: What kind of a name is 'Spontaneous'? Scene 4: Back at the blood bank in the park. SPONTY and HAMISH have just given blood. Now, they stroll throught the park, chatting. Mr Spontaneous: Wow, that felt good. I mean, despite the brief faintness...I feel...a better person! Hamish: Yeah, you know Sponty, when you try really hard, you're almost not an asshole. Mr S.: Thanks Hamish. It's compliments like that which make it all worthwhile. You're not so bad yourself, when all's said and done. Hamish: Thanks, that's nice of you. Mr S.: ...And you know what? Hamish: What? Mr S.: I'm through with being a jerk. Today my life begins anew. The blessed flower of existence springs open once more, this time to reveal to the worker bee not wilted petals and bitter nectar but sweetness, beauty and light. Hamish: That's really profound. Mr S.: Thanks. I read it off that poster over there for the new Britney Spears album. Hamish: Ewwww. Mr S.: Yeah, I know....But I mean this. I'm going to pay Monroe his money back, then I'm going to pursue my dream: being a comedian. Hamish: Wait - you're going to stop being a jerk, but you're going into comedy?! Mr S.: Hmm, yeah, well - good point. Oh well, I'll stop being a jerk most of the time. Hamish: Sounds like a plan......Hey, isn't that your parent's car maniacally driving towards us? Mr S.: Yeah. [Cars slides around corner on two wheels, speeds towards them] Mr S.: Jesus...They've been taking driving lessons from me. [Car skids up. Mum and Dad jump out] Sponty's Mum: Get in the car, young man. Mr S.: But I just gave blood! I'm turning over a new leaf-- Sponty's Dad: You heard your mother: Get in. We've had it up to somewhere near our upper sternum with your monkey business. We're sending you to military school. Mr S.: Dear God no!! Didn't you just hear me?! Sponty's Mum: ...Plus you have a lot of explaining to do about these rumours you're spreading that we're Greek or something. Mr S.: 'Greek'? What the-- Whatever, it doesn't matter. You can't make me join the army: I'm almost 20. Sponty's Dad: Tell it to the Corporal that charges you sexual favours for use of the television. Let's go. [They bundle him into the car. Sponty pokes his head out the window to talk to Hamish] Mr S.: Haim...Hamish...Get some help! Tell everyone about my plight! Don't let this budding new flower wilt away!!! Hamish: I will, Sponty, I will! [Car speeds off] Hamish: Ok, where to start - well, it's been a long day. I should probably go take a nap first. Yeah, it'll rejuvenate me for the long fight ahead.....Man, I wonder what's on TV tonight... WHAT WILL BECOME OF SPONTANEOUS IF HE IS INDEED SHIPPED OF TO THE ARMY RESERVE? HOW WILL THE GREEK PRIVATES REACT TO A WHITE GUY CLAIMING TO BE GREEK? IS IT JUST ME OR ARE THE PLOTS GETTING MORE CONVOLUTED EACH EPISODE? SO, WHAT'D YOU THINK OF THE THEME SONG, BABY? YOU LIKE IT? HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD COME OVER TO MY PLACE SOMETIME I'LL MAKE SOME SWEET MUSIC FOR YOU, HEHE - WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? NO? AH, TO HELL WITH YOU ANYWAY - YOU'RE A LESBIAN, RIGHT? HOW OFFENSIVE, ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, WAS THAT LAST COMMENT? I SHOULD PROBABLY FINISH IT UP NOW, RIGHT? WILL CYNTHIA GET NEW FRIENDS? FOR THE ANSWERS TO AS MANY OF THESE QUESTIONS AS I FEEL LIKE ANSWERING, COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR EPISODE #3C OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS'!! |