| Scene 1: Following his fairly undramatic escape from Army Camp, MR SPONTANEOUS (played this week by handsome star Jude Law) and suspicious talent manager CRAIG FILDANO (played this week by X-Files star David Duchovny) talk business over lattés. Craig Fildano: ...and with that in mind, I've included this additional clause which makes any jokes you create come under my copyright umbrella. Mr Spontaneous: Ok, I understand that, but it doesn't make sense. Why does my creative output become yours for no reason at all? Craig: Oh, oh, Sponty, you have to understand that this is a commonly-used financial method. It absolves you from the Government's new 'Joke Tax', and I shoulder all the charges and stamp duties. Mr S.: [Disbelieving] Joke Tax? Alright, this is stupid-- Craig: No, no, it's a lethal surcharge to be hit with. I mean, how do you think Paul Hogan stays so rich? Mr S.: How? Mr S.: He doesn't use jokes in his films. Mr S.: [Realises] Aaah, so it's a tax dodge! Craig: Ah, yeah. That and he's just not funny. Mr S.: [Sips latté] No shit. Craig: Yeah, he tends to exempt himself from the tax by using 'gags' and 'stunts' in his work, but not jokes. It's the exact same thing Rove McManus does, and Daryl Somers did before him. Mr S.: Ahhh, all makes sense now! I just thought they all just plain sucked. Craig: Yeah, there you go. Anyways, that's the first of the additions to your contract. The second is the 'Craig's Total Absolution From Blame' Clause. Mr S.: Right... Keep talking... Craig: Well, this is a multi-tiered addendum. On one hand, I can make whatever decisions I like in regards to your career and will remain blameless for any subsequent bankruptcy or court action. Mr S.: [Tentative] Kay... Craig: Further to this, you are to assist me in any cover-ups of my criminal activities. Assistance may include putting your fingerprints on weapons or stashing cocaine for relatively short periods. Mr S.: Craig, can I just get a word in here? Craig: Sure. After all, you're the client! Mr S.: You haven't said a thing in the last half hour we've been sitting there that has instilled any confidence in me. You're a walking judicial sentence, for Christ's sake! [Pause] Craig: W-W-Well...Nobody's perfect!! Mr S.: Yeah, but Craig, you're so imperfect that you almost relish the fact. Craig: [Covers eyes, pretending to be upset] Alright, now you've done it. Mr S.: Arrgh...Dammit Craig.... Look, I have a show tonight to prepare for, so I'm going to have to leave. Craig: [Looks up] Yeah, alright, I should be going too. I have a 5 o'clock with Yahoo Serious. Mr S.: Have fun with that. [They both begin to walk out. Sponty stops] Mr S.: Hey, aren't you going to leave some money? Craig: [amused] What? I never pay. Anyway, they factor people walking out without paying into their prices. Mr S.: Ohhh, so that's why my Moccachino was $13? Craig: Ex-actly. Mr S.: You may be human slime Craig, but you're worth hanging on to as a manager. It's your very devious nature that has you so well-equipped. [Pause] Craig: [Blushing] That...That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. [They both exit through the café door. From inside the café, a woman shouts at them to pay for their lunch] Scene 2: Hours later that night at a small comedy club, CYNTHIA (played by Kate Winslet), HAMISH (played by former Happy Days star Scott Baio) and MONROE (played by child star Haley Joel Osment) sit and sip drinks at a table, in eager anticipation of SPONTANEOUS' stand-up set. Cynthia: Mmmm, this cocktail is delicious! Monroe: What's in it? Cynthia: You know, I'm not entirely sure. I was a little disconcerted though when the sleazy old guy behind the bar made a pun on the word 'cocktail' and leered at me. Monroe: Gee, really? I hope you slapped him. Cynthia: Well, I would have, except that he had no arms and legs. Despite his sleaziness, I felt sorry for him. Monroe: [To himself, angrily] Dammit, amputee... Oldest trick in the damn book. Hamish: This better be a good stand-up routine Sponty's got. This last week has dragged on so much.... it seemed like it was at least two months long. Cynthia: Aah, don't be stupid. Of course it was only a week since Sponty escaped from the Army camp and decided to embark on a stand-up career. Monroe: Hehe, yeah, "Two months". Stupid! Hamish: Wow, geez, sorry! It just seemed to drag on for me. Cynthia: Yeah, I know what you mean though. It's as if God or whoever's in charge of our Fate and our day-to-day lives got lazy and couldn't be bothered moving us around. Hamish and Monroe: EXACTLY! [Long pause] Cynthia: So anywaaaay.... Hamish: Yeah... Ah, who wants another drink? Cynthia? Cynthia: Are you trying to get me drunk? Hamish: Hahaha, Cynthia, I'm offended!-- Cynthia: Are you trying to get me drunk? Hamish: [Sheepish] Yes. [Pause] Hamish: I'm sorry!!!...You just really, really look like Kate Winslet tonight, and I think she's incredible. Cynthia: [flattered] Well...thankyou Haim. What about Monroe; who does he look like tonight. Hamish: [Looks at Monroe, thinks long and hard] Macauley Culkin about 10 years ago. Or a rat. Hard to tell. [Pause] Monroe: Yeah, I'd pay that. Well done. Hamish: Thanks. I'll get that drink now, Cyn. [Voice comes on over the house PA] Announcer: ...Aaand now, fresh from his debut stint as a stand-up comic at Poletar Grange Army Centre for Disturbed Adolescents is the observational wit of...MR SPONTANEOUS!!! [Subdued applause, except from the table where Cynthia and Monroe sit] Mr S.: [grabbing microphone] Thankyou, thankyou...you're all beautiful flowers. Hi, I'm Mr Spontaneous - or, as my friends call me, 'Chemical Imbalance'... [Some laughter] Monroe: [To Cynthia] 'Chemical Imbalance'? We never call him that-- Cynthia: It's a joke. A lame joke, but a joke nonetheless. Mr S.: Yeah, as you can probably tell from my name, I'm a fairly irrational, wacky, zany character. I really hit it off with the General at Army Camp: he'd give me an order and I'd blow up his car. [Light laughter] Mr S.: ...Which wasn't an ideal working relationship. The thing about the military is, the more wacked out in the head you are, the better you fit in. [Beat] Yeah, that's right - me and my imaginary friend Zeeeter pretty much owned that place... [Laughter] Mr S.: ...So I bet you're all thinking 'This guy isn't very funny'. Well, rest assured - I may not be funny, but after 3 weeks living in a military dormitory I certainly walk funny... [Big Laughter, applause] Mr S.: Yeah, the old army sodomy joke - it was coming sometime, eh?...As a matter of fact, so was I... [Sickened groans, then laughter] Mr S.: So let me tell you about my manager. His name's Craig and - trust me - this guy has talked more shit than a zoo would handle in a year... [Laughter] Mr S.: Honestly...the guy is human garbage. Which in show business equates to me making a lot of money, so who's complaining. This guy, though, if he could sell his Grandmother to make money, he would... [Light laughter] Mr S.: ...No, come to think of it, she's an asset...so he'd just keep pimping her out to improve cash-flow. [Laughter, applause] Mr S.: I mean, I'm sure some guys in here are desperate enough to take ol' Mrs Fildano Senior around the block a few times..eh, eh? What about you sir, you look the type? What's your name? Monroe: [Sheepishly] Monroe... Mr S.: That's right, he's Monroe Wallis. He's been my friend since pre-school - which, if you were to go on my mental age, would mean we'd been friends for around two minutes. [Laughter] Mr S.: Yeah, Monroe owns a large pop-corn manufacturing company; you may have heard of it. The guy lets homeless people bathe in his butter vats. [Crowd groans, disgusted] Mr S.: ...But on the upside, the butter is later sprayed with DDT to ensure its cleanliness. [Crowd laughs, applauds. Monroe can be seen to be mouthing the word 'Asshole' to himself] Mr S.: No, but seriously it's a fine product. It's the only popcorn considered good enough to feed genetically mutated rats. That's why they glow in the dark. [Some laughter] Mr S.: Anyway, I've been Mr Spontaneous... and now I think I'm going to go be someone less annoying. Thankyou and good night! [Crowd cheers. Sponty comes down to meet his friends] Cynthia: That was great, Sponty!...Well, better than the routine you did at my sister's 21st birthday party. Mr S.: Oh yeah, the whole thing about people being confused over her gender. Yeah, I'm still sorry about that... Monroe: [Angrily standing to confront Sponty] You bastard. How did you know about the rat thing? Mr S.: You dumbass, you print it on all your labels. "Monroe's PopCorn is proud to be the Official Popped Corn Supplier to Rats Undergoing Chemotherapy Experiments". Monroe: Oh yeah... Mr S.: ...Besides, only rats would want the crap anyway. [Monroe can't stand any more. He launches himself at Sponty, knocking him to the ground. They trade punches on the floor] [Hamish returns with drinks for himself and Cynthia] Hamish: [Seductively to Cynthia] Hey babe...Did I miss anything? Cynthia: [Dumbfounded] Ah, hello? The two of them are trying to kill each other! Hamish: Excellent... No more rivals for your love-- I mean, quick! Help me seperate them! Monroe: [Screaming at Sponty as they wrestle] I DON'T CARE IF YOU LOOK LIKE JUDE LAW - YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!! Mr S.: NOT...IF...YOU...DIE...FIRST....RAT-BOY!! FOR THE ANSWERS TO A NEGLIBLE AMOUNT OF THESE QUESTIONS, TUNE IN NEXT WEEK-ISH FOR EPISODE #3E OF 'MR SPONTANEOUS'!! |