Scene 1: We pick up just after Episode 4A, where MR SPONTANEOUS received a summons to appear in a civil case brought forth by none other than his best friend, MONROE. Sponty approaches Monroe's house and rings the doorbell. Mr Spontaneous: MONROE!! Open up, you treacherous whore! I know you're in there... reading your collection of Cracked magazine and laughing at my misfortune, no doubt. Show yourself! A voice emanates from inside Monroe: I'm not home. Mr S.: I'm sorry?! Monroe: Oh, how silly of me... 'I'm not home, assface'. Mr Spontaneous goes about seven shades of red Monroe: I called you 'assface', figlio de putana. Mr S.: Riiight... That's it... There is a moment's silence before Sponty swings in through the window Monroe: [shocked] What the fff-- Why did you just swing in on your shirt?! Mr S.: I couldn't find a rope at such short notice - and you have to admit, the act of me swinging in here and breaking your window on a T-shirt bearing the name of minimalist composer Phillip Glass is ironically post-modern. Monroe: [nods] Yeah, I'll grant you that... but you're still a dirty, rotten s**t for doing it. Mr S.: What, just like you're a dirty rotten s**t for serving me a civil action? What the hell is that for?!! Monroe: You publically defamed me, as well as my reputable company... and then you assaulted me, for Chrissakes! Mr S.: And my responses: I may have defamed you, but you can't deny that you did let homeless people bathe in the butter vats at your factory. Monroe: Yeah right... hey, what about the assault? Mr S.: Assault?! I think you'll find that it was a simple case of you tripping over a pile of bar napkins that had been carelessly placed on the floor. Monroe: That's horses**t. Mr S.: If you have a case with anyone, it's the people at 'Laff-a-lots Comedy Club'. Monroe: You damn well tried to cut me with a broken shot-glass! Mr S.: Pure, unadulterated speculation. I still maintain that what you got was a paper cut; those bar napkins are sharp. Monroe: Alright, look, can you just leave? We're not supposed to see each other before the court case. Mr S.: No, isn't that a wedding? The bride can't see the groom before the wedding-- Monroe: [red-faced] Get out. Please. I didn't want it to come to this - a court case - but you left me with no choice. You know, previously your good-natured horseplay was a source of amusement and, yes, inspiration to me... But you crossed a line when you tried to assail me with a plastic bowl of salted bar peanuts. Mr S.: Monroe... look, matey, I'm sorry for the-- Monroe: No, you're never sorry, you know that? You are completely devoid of the faculty of remorse... Mr S.: Oooh, who's been reading the dictionary?... Monroe: See? You're doing it right now! Mr S.: Doing what? Monroe: Being a facetious, unbearable jerk. Mr S.: Oh... well then... [sniffles] ...I suppose I'll be leaving then... Sponty turns to leave the house Monroe: Look, I want my buddy back - the guy who drew a line at shooting blank bullets at senior citizens... Mr S.: Haha... yeah, that was pretty funny, wasn't it? The two briefly look wistfully at each other. Eventually, Monroe snaps out of it. Monroe: Yeah, it was, but those days appear to be gone. I've seen people like you before: you think behaving like a jerk and pulling pranks and generally being reactionary and anti-social will get you chicks, but you end up alone and working on your crappy website. Mr S.: [optimistic] Oh, yeah - have you seen Donkey HQ lately? Monroe: [blunt] No, sorry, I haven't had time. We're opening a new popcorn plant over in Europe, and re-branding for that market. Mr S.: Oh yeah? Monroe: Yeah... the marketing team is sure that Deutsche-Pop! and a campaign tied-in with David Hasselhoff's new album will be a sure-fire hit. Mr S.: Oh, well, that sounds cool... you seem to be getting on with your life... Monroe: Yeah, ad you should be too - at least until the court appearance. Look Sponty... Mr S.: Yes? Monroe: I'd like us to see if we can get back on track together after this whole mess... [Pause] Mr S.: ...Then drop the friggin' court case!! Monroe: No, it's mot that simple. You tarnished my company's name, and you could've killed me. You need to learn that all actions have consequences. Mr S.: Hey... Hey, wait a second... you've... you've gone all, ah, 'M-word' on me!! Monroe: 'Mature'? Mr S.: Shh! Not so loud!!.... Yeah, that's the one. Monroe: Look, Sponty, I still like blowing up letter boxes like anyone - but we're twenty years old now. You've got to take on some responsiblities. [Pauses]. Anyway, I think it's time for you to go. Mr S.: [ambivalent] Yeah, uh, I think you're right. I'll... I've got some thinking to do. Monroe: I'll see you in court. Mr S.: [looks at shattered glass on the floor] I'll, uh -- yeah, you can keep the Phillip Glass shirt. I'll see myself out. [He climbs back out through the broken window]. Mr S.: Hi. He sits down next to her on the bench Mr S.: [Thrusting a box toward her] Rat poison? Cynthia: Ah, no thanks... Mr S.: Oh, ok, sure. [He pours out a handful of pellets, and then swallows them whole] Cynthia: [in disbelief] Ah, Sponty?... Mr S.: [smiles] You do want some, don't you?! Cynthia: No, I... Never... Nevermind.... Anyway, I heard about Monroe taking you to court... Mr S.: Yeah, he said "God made him do it". Sucks, huh? Cynthia: No he didn't. He's taking you to court because you piled shit on him and his business and then near tried to kill him! [Pause] Mr S.: You make a fair point. Cynthia: You know that you over-stepped the mark, don't yo-- Mr S.: Geez Louise, you're the second person to ride my arse today about this whole thing! Cynthia, can I ask you... Cynthia: Sure... Mr S.: Is this one of those light-weight, white-bread coming-of-age episodes where a character is told he's supposed to mature and learn to be a better person and he does? Cynthia: You want the truth? Mr S.: Yep. Cynthia: Yes. A pause. Sponty nods understandingly. Mr S.: Well SCREW THAT! I hate those sappy sitcom episodes. I'm not doing any such thing - I may tone down a bit, but no-one's going to tell me how to live my life! You know, I'm tired of-- Mr S.: Yeah? Cynthia: Now you sound like one of the episodes where the teenage girl's parents won't let her go out late at night, but she makes a stand and tells them she's going to live her life anyway. Mr S.: ...and then they sneak out their window and get a ride with their boyfriend? Cynthia: Yep. [Pause] Mr S.: ...And when they come home really late at night, and the house is dark, and they think they've gotten away with it, and then the light suddenly switches on and their Dad is sitting on the stairwell in his pyjamas... and he gives her a lecture about how much they love her and that they're only trying to-- Mr S.: [sheepish] Sorry... Cynthia: Yes, it's like one of those episodes. [Another pause] Mr S.: Cynthia? Cynthia: Sigh... Yes, Sponty? Mr S.: What do I do now? Cynthia: You sound a little scared? Mr S.: Nah, nah, f**k off!!!.... Yeah, ok, I am a little. Cynthia: Why in particular? Mr S.: I don't know... the Monroe aspect, I guess. Cynthia: You're afraid to lose him as a fri-- Cynthia: Yeah, ok. I hate it too. But you are worried about that? Mr S.: Yeah. I miss him. Destruction of public property just hasn't been the same without his sycophantic Yes-man-ism and approval of everything I do. Cynthia: Well, perhaps that isn't the best reason to want a friend... but anyway, if you feel so strongly about it: represent yourself in the trial. Mr S.: Phht!......... I was going to anyway! Hahaha... 'represent yourself'... you think I haven't thought of that already-- Cynthia: [smiles sweetly] Don't mention it... Mr S.: You're not just a pretty cleavage. Cynthia scowls at him Mr S.: SHIT! [slaps forehead] I meant face. 'Not just a pretty face.' Cynthia: Yeah, I think you'd better go. Quit while you're behind. Mr S.: Yeah, yeah, you're right! I'm going to go home to my lavish study full of legal precedent volumes and prepare an iron-clad, yet compassionate, case with which I might haul myself from the jaws of fines and/or imprisonment. He hurriedly leaves. Cynthia: [shouting] Good luck! Sponty waves back enthusiastically. Cynthia: [under her breath] You'll need it... WILL SPONTY'S MOVE TOWARD SELF-REPRESENTATION PAY OFF? WILL MONROE'S DEUTSCHE-POP! BE THE BIG HIT THAT ALL INDUSTRY ANALYSTS AND PUNDITS ARE PREDICTING? WHERE WAS HAMISH IN THIS EPISODE - COMPARING NOTES WITH LUKE PERRY? WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG BETWEEN EPISODES LATELY? I MEAN, CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, BUT A WEEKLY SERIAL USED TO APPEAR AT LEAST WEEKLY, AND IF NOT, THEN FORTNIGHTLY? SOMETIMES, MAYBE YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH A MONTHLY SERIAL (ALTHOUGH, IT WAS DIFFICULT TO KEEP UP THE PUBLIC INTEREST OVER SUCH A LONG PERIOD OF TIME) BUT THIS? WHAT BUST SIZE IS CYNTHIA? IS IT AT ALL POSSIBLE TO GET A FICTIONAL CHARACTER'S CLEAVAGE SCANNED AND ON DISPLAY ON THE INTERNET? NO? WHY AM I SO PERVY? WHO THE HELL AM I ANYWAY? WHO IS THIS SEEMINGLY OMNIPOTENT VOICE WITH NO PARTICULAR GENDER OR MOTIVE WHO JUST ASKS A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THE SERIAL? I WISH I KNEW MYSELF - HELP ME, PLEASE?! WILL SPONTY GO TO JAIL? WHY IS MONROE SO HIGH-AND-MIGHTY ALL OF A SUDDEN (IT SMELLS LIKE POOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT TO ME)? WILL CYNTHIA GET NEW FRIENDS? ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS AND PERHAPS ALSO A FEW FROM THE TRIVIAL PURSUIT GENUS II LIMITED-EDITION SET WILL BE ANSWERED AT SOME TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE (HOPEFULLY NEXT WEEK, BUT WHO CAN TELL?) IN MR SPONTANEOUS! |