Consumer Watchdog Warns: 'They Actually Expect You To Pay For This Crap!'
Inquiry To Be Launched After Hideous Merchandise Revealed Not To Be Free
SYDNEY, SUNDAY-- The Sydney Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (SOCOG) has been rocked less than two weeks before the Games are to commence with news that the Australian Competition & Consumer Commission (ACCC) has returned a negative finding on Official Olympic merchandise, labelling it "crappy" and "not worth your time".
"It's quite poor, it really is," says ACCC chairman Allan Fels. "In my position I have seen many exhibitions of crappy souvenir items and othersuch memorabilia, but this shit really takes the cake. Previously, we'd seen the stuff and thought to ourselves 'They must be giving it away' - but after an anonymous tip from an angry child who had to pay for a Millie doll, we launched an inquiry and were shocked by the results."
'Millie', an echidna and one of three supposedly lovable Sydney Games mascots, could not be reached for comment by Mule HQ at the time of press, but her spokesperson issued a statement outlining Millie's distress at the finding.
"Millie is at present holidaying in the Micronesian islands, away from the public glare," the statement read. "She is quite upset by this shot at her reputation, as are her cute and cuddly animal pals - Olly, the larrikin kookaburra and Syd, the platypus."
"Did you know that the echidna and the platypus are the only two egg-laying mammals (or monotremes) on Earth?" the statement went on to read. "Well, now you do - shows ya just how special these little guys are!"
Fels, however, claimed he did know this fact and was not impressed by the diversionary tactics from the mascot camp.
"They're clearly sweating. Extradite them back to Australia, and let me have a crack at them - I'll break them" said Fels, gritting his teeth and hissing his words. "Monotreme or not, they have a case to answer, as do their creators at SOCOG."
Olympics Minister and SOCOG representative Michael Knight was having none of this, siting an unwritten rule as an excuse for the crappiness of the mascots.
"Nothing says the Olympic mascots have to be any good," claimed Knight. "In fact, you take those three, strip them of their Olympic prestige and place them in a cartoon and they're really not going anywhere - but the fact they're Olympic mascots means basically that they can be anything and the public has to learn to love them - or else. Syd, Olly and Millie will continue to be sold, no question." (Note: Mr Knight would not specify what "or else" meant, except to say the Government has a lot more power than people think).
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