Torch Says "Enough Already" About Shady Nazi Past

The Torch, As Carried By An Unidentified WomanLeft: The Torch, As Carried By An Unidentified Woman, Possibly With Connections To Violent Anti-social Neo-Nazi Separatists

SYDNEY, WEDNESDAY-- In a revealing tell-all auto-biography, released just days before it is due to appear at Stadium Australia to light the sacred cauldron and usher in a new Olympiad, the Olympic Torch has broken its silence on its shady Nazi origin, a subject which has caused the Torch much emotional harm over the years.

"Yes, I was a product of Hitler and the infamous 'Hitler's Games'," said the beloved icon of the Olympic Spirit, lit before every Olympic meet at the Greek ancestral home of the Games, and then passed from runner to runner before reaching the host stadium, "but so was the Volkswagen, the autobahn/freeway and the modern-day definition of 'pure evil' - and just think, you don't hear anyone complaining about those!"

The Torch Relay as it stands in the modern Olympics was a tradition started as part of the 1936 Berlin Olympics. Today it is a moving display of people coming together and embracing the communal Olympic ideal. But scholars argue that Hitler's intentions were far more sinister.

"Look, the torch has got it all wrong on this one," says noted Olympic historian Regis P. Shalton. "Hitler implemented the torch relay at the Berlin Games after research by Nazi think-tanks found that the carrying of the torch from town to town was a good way of spreading a mind-controlling drug that they had only just invented. The drug - a psychotropic substance similar to today's amphetamines - was designed to supplant feelings of tolerance and peaceful association within torch-bearers and spectators with feelings of hatred and a penchant for being an asshole. Judgement was impaired, bodily functions were conditioned and the affected began to crave for the bleeping, minimalist sounds of 70s German techno innovators Kraftwerk. Unfortunately, many died as a result of Kraftwerk's music still being over 30 years away."

The Torch, however, will have none of this widely-supported theory.

"It's so funny," says the Torch, "that people publicly praise me, yet privately continue to judge me. I can't help where I came from, and that whole mind-control thing is a load of crap. Just get over it already; I've been inspiring people for 64 years - how many of my mockers can say that?"

Back To Mule HQs All-Encompassing Olympic Coverage