Poor Olympic Ratings Force Giant US Broadcaster NBC To Take Drastic Measures
NBC-Employed Terrorists Set To Take Hostages In Games City, Vote One Out Of Compound Each Night
Executives Said To Be Excited About Survivor-Inspired Ratings Spectacle
In a diabolical attempt to recoup their expenditure of $700 million on the two-week sporting extravaganza in Sydney, Australia, a crisis meeting of NBC Executives has unanimously agreed to pay terrorists - at this stage rumoured to be Islamic Fundamentalists - to take a Games venue or city building by force and then for each night over the remaining nine days of competition to 'vote off' a hostage. The last remaining hostage or hostages will split a prize package of US$1 million (AUS $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.47 at current exchange rates).
The network has been given the full blessing of the International Olympic Committee to pursue their ratings stunt, and has promised the citizens of Sydney that "no-one will get hurt. Much".
"It's a definite guarantee from our cold-blooded network television hearts to the people of Sydney and the athletes of the 27th Olympiad that no-one will suffer death in this shameless grab for ratings," said NBC spokesperson Richard Ivers of the new show, based on the highly successful Survivor program. "Maybe some people will catch a bullet in the arm, maybe some will get yelled at by angry terrorists - but besides all that, you have nothing to fear. Just as you have embraced these Games, so to we hope you will embrace this staged hostage drama."
The counter-action by the network comes after the Games have drawn poor television audiences in the United States, attributed to a 15-hour delay between staging of events and their screening in US primetime, coupled with the new accessibility of scores and results via the internet.
"Yeah, that Bill Gates is a real little bitch," mused Ivers, mulling over the potential audience lost to new technologies. "I'd really love to shove his nut-sack in a CD-ROM drive and keep hitting the 'Eject' button again and again until he cries for the sweet relief of my blade across his throat."
"Of course," added Ivers, "We could just screen the damn events live, but we're the United States: 'We stoop to no-one' - That's actually our motto."
The US ratings are in stark contrast of those in Australia, where events such as the Opening Ceremony and Ian Thorpe's 200m loss to Pieter Van Den Hoogenband have drawn all-time record audiences. Meanwhile, NBC operatives in Sydney are quickly working to bring the final pieces in the prime-time hostage drama puzzle together.
"Currently, my team and I have assembled around nine crack terrorists who swear blind alleigance to the nation of Islam," said NBC Olympics Producer Dick Ebersol. "These guys...these guys are the real thing, let me tell you. Guns, rocket launchers, prayer mats, you name it. In the end, it wasn't too hard to find a group of eager young men prepared to risk their lives for television, and the terrorists we've got have brought on board some really great creative ideas, too: colour schemes, show format and so on. I'm really excited about this, and I think that with a little luck and a lot of work, we're headed for the best-rating games in global history."