New Characters For 2000 at Mule HQ

This page plays host to a lovable supporting cast of characters guaranteed to bring you mirth and-- Well, I'd better not guarantee it, because I don't have any collateral, and if this section bombs then I can't bear to part with my pinkies and/or my precious knee-caps: sweet givers of leg-movement and protection....

Anyway, enjoy....and lick your lips in anticipation (or alternatively, lust) at this stunning list of New Characters to blow your mind!!....

THE DETERMINED LEPER POSTMANnew!
The name says it all, in a way....As a child, little Hamish Gray had always been inspired by the determination of the Postal Service: "Not Rain, nor Sleet, nor Snow" would stop the Mailmen and Women from passing on precious mail, and Hamish chanted this mantra before going to bed each night of his childhood, like some kind of obsessed cult-member. And in the end, Hamish got his wish, and was able to carry on the proud tradition of Postal workers who, when not shooting people (at least in America, anyway) would do their utmost to ensure smooth delivery of mail. However, during a routine delivery to a Scientific Laboratory, things all went horribly wrong...and now Hamish's mantra might well be "Not Rain, nor Sleet, nor Snow, nor legs buckling and detaching themselves from my body" for he has contracted leprosy. Come back to Mule HQ for regular updates on Hamish as he attempts to courageously overcome obstacles, battling his way up a driveway to deliver a package with only half a leg and no arms....Hilarious!

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TITANIUM DAN©, THE WORLD'S CHEESIEST WHITE-BREAD SUPER-HEROnew!
Ever seen Superman© comics from the Seventies? Well, be prepared to sink to all-new lows of cheesiness, patronisingly dull storylines and a Milk-drinking, cape-wearing pansy who says things like "Hehehe, Nice Try, Bucko...but that just tickles!" when shot....Yes, it's TITANIUM DAN, the epitome of beef-cake mimbo heroes who dabble in piss-poor one-liners. By day, Titanium Dan© assumes the role of mild-mannered patent clerk Dan Oswald and strangely, despite the fact that he does nothing to disguise his appearance except wear a pair of contact lenses, no-one notices the striking similarities between him and the famous superhero (with the exact same first name) that everyone happens to be talking about. He spends all his days pining after his work colleague, Laura Lambert, whilst confusingly maintaining such a flamboyantly gay alter-ego as the tights-wearing superhero-hunk, and his nights patrolling the streets in his 'Titanium Mega-Rollcar', a name the hero himself confesses was poorly chosen and, quote: "Just isn't danged catchy enough!".
In the future watch out for clever spinoffs such as Titanium Dan-boy: "Titanium Dan...AS A BOY!", Titan, the Titanium Super-Dog and Titanium Danni his female cousin.

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THE MAN WHO WEARS SUITS MADE OUT OF MEATnew!
Well, this one is fairly self-explanatory and straight-forward: Man works at slaughterhouse, gets insprired idea to simply wear suits made of cool, bloody meat and then follows through with his concept.
Actually, I'm a little ashamed at this creation: How many damn times have you seen a man wearing a suit made out of meat?
I'm such a rip-off whore.

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FERDIE GUNDERSON, THE FULL-MOON GIRAFFE MANnew!
A man with a shameful secret, for under the influence of the full moon he undergoes a horrid metamorphosis from man into beast. However, unlike the traditional mythical tales of Wolfmen roaming the forests under the light of the moon, Ferdie is subject to a slightly more odd transformation. Yes, that's right: At the height of the Lunar Cycle, Ferdie becomes a giraffe; eating leaves, walking around chewing those leaves into slimy crud and wreaking long-necked terror on the inhabitants of his small English rural village. Come back regularly to Mule HQ to read more about Ferdie and learn how he is coping with his intense inner demons after unwittingly eating Mr Earlthorpe's prized sycamore tree bare of its foliage.

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THE APATHETIC DOCTORnew!
Definitely steer clear of this practitioner if you're one of those up-tight, pretentious snobs who expects adequate service, health maintainence and peace-of-mind from their trusted health professional, for David Milton (the Apathetic Doctor) really thinks your problems could just wait until he's got a little shut-eye and finished today's edition of The Jumble. That's right, laugh yourself silly to a point that can't possibly be healthy as Dr Milton regularly delays or just plain forgets to pass on urgent blood tests and biopsies to a Specialist and often becomes more engrossed in beginning to count how many jellybeans he has left in his desk-jar before giving up because "it's just too much of a strain". Chuckle at 'Dr Dave' as he becomes so reluctant to work that he hands over the stethoscope to his patient and tells them to 'wake me when you've located the infection, and maybe then I'll scribble something on my notepad'.

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THE UNWILLING STUNTMANnew!
Jeff Rochester is a simple man; all he wants to do is relax, go about a normal, humble life and stay alive, dammit! However, due to the pressures of his overbearing father, Jeff has been plunged into the world of stunts and general daredevil behaviour. Ever since Jeff's father -Dastardly Dean Rochester- failed to himself become an elite death-defier, he has pushed his son into stunt-after-deadly-stunt in order to vicariously live out his insane false bravado. Dean, now a wholesaler of processed meats, said this of his son before Jeff attempts the first 25,000 foot freefall into an area of the Pacific Ocean which is 20 kilometres from the nearest land -whilst set on fire- "Well, I'm damn proud of tha sonuvabitch...he aint no queer!" In response, Jeff was heard to mumble "Plese help me...I love my wife..." and then break into violent screams before being bundled into the back of a large van by his father and 'supporters'.

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TITO THE SUAVE CHIMPnew!
If Hugh Hefner were a primate, then he'd-- No, actually, that's a fairly redundant statement; let me try again...If a cool guy were a primate, then there is no question that Tito would be this sexy monkey's name. Smoking a pipe, wearing a smoking jacket, carrying a martini and with a back virtually free of lice and nits, Tito is a veritable lady-killer; the "thinking woman's step down the evolutionary ladder" (Cosmopolitan Magazine, March 2000). Check Mule HQ regularly, ladies, as Tito spins his sticky, hairy, banana-smelling web of love around your heart.

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THE AMISH COMPUTER GEEKnew!
An ironic and terrible predicament if ever there was one; little Yokin Lerefitz is the Amish boy torn between his frugal, 18th Century lifestyle and 21st Century technological know-how after running away from home once only to catch a glimpse of a computer and become instantly hooked. Now Yokin has assembled a amateurish computer in his barn out of buckets, hay, wood and string (OK, so maybe he caught a glimpse of MacGyver too whilst on the run) and, away from the prying eyes of his domineering parents, surfs the web and constructs pathetic webpages filled with alleged 'humour', plus tips on how to live in the year 2000 like it was the year 1700 without sacrifing too much.

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RICHARD AND JENO: "AQUA-COPS"!
Join the hard-nosed-but-not-hard-hearted cops Richard Comdea and Jeno Hertz: detectives who don't exactly "play by the rules" when out to solve the case in the hit TV show "AQUA-COPS". Join them in episode 1: "Coral-Spawning Racket Deep Below the Atlantic" as Richard and Jeno once again don their wetsuits and deep-sea diving gear and descend down to duel and dice with notorious under-sea underworld figure Montel "Crustacean" Crundowitz, enlisting the help of Aquaman* and the Mermaid-people to bring the slimy sea-crime boss to justice....Not like your convential cop-show**, and only at 'www.oocities.org/browneyeclops'!!

*-'Aquaman' is a trademark of DC Comics
**-...Because there's no such thing as an 'Aqua-Cops' Police Department

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DERRICK "TIGHT PANTS" McGRAIG, THE AGED, TIRESOME ROCKER
A worrying trend seen all-to-much these days: the old, talentless 70's or 80's-era rocker who REALLY just doesn't know how to grow old gracefully. Derrick is an all-to-familiar example of this: from fronting 70's metal super-group "All Types Of Leather" who busted up the charts with such albums as "Lock Up Your Elderly Relatives" and their inspired 1984 comeback "Slippery When Approaching Orgasm" to coming out with less and less musical solo albums and selling treadmills on infomercials, Derrick is the perfect example of why we need to introduce human neutering in extreme cases of 'gene-pool risks'....the only thing that hasn't changed since 1976 is that he's still screwing and impregnating as many chicks now as he was then, even though he's uglier than the riots at the end of 'Woodstock '99'....aaaah, good ol' rock 'n' roll, huh?

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TRAVIS ARLISS EDINBERRY III, THE BILLIONAIRE TYCOON WHO SECRETLY LONGS FOR A CAREER IN LEGITIMATE THEATRE
Edinberry is rich. Filthy rich. Hella rich....but he longs for only one thing: ever since childhood Travis had been destined to inherit his father's comapny in the event that his father died (I say 'in the event' he died because you can never tell with these rich guys...They've always got boffins working on some immortality serum...Anyway, i digress), but Travis had only ever wanted to act, after seeing an amateur production of "Big Gut, Big Talent: The Babe Ruth Story" when he was only 6 years old. Inheriting the company at age 41, Travis quickly grew tired of running his father's Hemp Clothing Empire, and began to take up acting as a means of escape....now his executives have found out and are attempting to overthrow him, setting up an interesting conflict between Fragile, Ambitious Boss and his Treacherous Underlings, including the infamous confrontation between them in the middle of Travis' performance in "Dawson's Creek: The Live-Action Musical"

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Come back for more updates soon....I promise they'll start being funny SOMETIME!!!!

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