How appropriate is the term 'Periclean Athens'?
Yeah, whatever - I suppose I'd agree with that...from what I know he was a pretty swell guy and he did good stuff for Athens. He initiated building programs and managed foreign affairs with consumate ease, and there was no-one in Athens who could beat him in the Days Of Our Lives Drinking Game, where you watch said soap opera and scull a shot of vodka everytime someone said the words 'Love', 'Hope', 'Faith' or 'Beau Brady'. Several thousand people died in Ancient Greece from alcohol poisoning due to this game, yet Pericles would still be standing at the end of the hour, ready to face up to The Young And The Restless. It was this 'devil-may-care' spirit and reckless abandon which saw Pericles become 'The Toast of Athens' and cement his place in history as a great leader (and a desperate alcoholic).
Athens' glory days saw the city ruling over a great empire, but the city itself did not befit this imperial image. After falling off a couch and climbing to his feet with a hangover and covered in pizza cheese one morning, Pericles had had enough with this situation, and had a violent temper tantrum - throwing vases, midgets and whatever else he could find in rage. He then decided to use his power and prestige as Athens' General, her "Godfather of Soul" and Yardglass of Beer Sculling competition winner to institute his building program, changing Athens into a city comparable with modern-day Auburn or Harlem.
After a drying-out spell and a series of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings following his celebrations of the building program's success, Pericles the Tortured Boozehound took time out from the public spotlight and returned to the sanctity of nature to find himself. He began to forge quite a successful career in the world of horse-training, taking several of his prize geldings to victory at the Greek Derby. But Pericles soon longed once more for a return to the strategos, and sold his champion horses to local hot-dog and glue production factories. His parting words were immortalised in history, Thucydides quoting him in his Life of Pericles as saying:
Oh, Black Beauty, my darling horse....with your shiny coat of coal and muscular frame...one of the most beautiful of nature's creations...may your journey through the meat-mincing machine be glorious and your placement inside a hot-dog bun incredulous"
Thucydides, Life Of Plutarch VI, ii
Pericles returned to Athens a revived, invigorated spirit, determined to make Athens even more majestic and solidified in her place as #1 Hellenic Tourist Destination B.C.. He then embarked on his next ambitious project: death.
A terrible waste - although he only died because I ran out of ideas.
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