The Use Of Violence In Ancient Roman Politics

Violence. The evil scourge of hippies, all other pacifists and geeks with a lot of lunchmoney. In human history violence and other more subtle forms of agression - such as Gloria Estefan's music - have been used to 'persuade' thinking and effect change in political and social circles. Nowhere was this more true than in Rome in the period 133-78BC, where the rule of the army and brute force were prevalent in gaining power...and lunchmoney - Roman geeks were loaded. One particularly memorable instance of violence in politics was the manipulation - by military figureheads such as Sulla and later Marius - of the army to march on Rome. It was through this method that men such as these gained political power; through the use of violence to 'persuade' Rome (ie. "scare the shit out of Roman politicians and citizens" - Plutarch V, iii) into accepting them as all-conquering power-guys. Another (more modern example) of violence in politics that was perhaps inspired by this behaviour so many centuries ago was that time when - at one of those joint press conferences - World Wrestling Federation (WWF) Chairman Vince McMahon grabbed star wrestler The Rock by the eyebrow (Ed. note: The People's Eyebrow) and headbutted him, sparking off the 'Battle of the Millennium': WWF Wham, Bam, Thankyou Slam. But nowhere more than Ancient Rome was violence and force used to such effect.

But more about that later. Right now I want to talk life insurance: Have You got enough? Is there ever really enough?! Does anyone except insurance salesmen and chartered accountants with thick-rimmed glasses held together with tape really care?!!....Well, it's a shame if that is the case, because you really should be thinking about a Premium Life-Insurance Policy, not one that you read about on an advertising banner featured at www.bigjugsandnaughtystuff.com*. Sulla knew entirely the beneficial nature of life insurance and its importance in supporting his family and friends in the event of his demise. Unfortunately he refused to seek the advice of an insurance expert and failed to take up the optional Maiming and Mutilation by small flesh-eating worms which erode your body agonisingly from the inside** policy, and thus his insurance could not be claimed...A valuable lesson for the rest of us, and perhaps an indication that you should take out that Trampled to death by ravenous goats whilst sunbathing at Noosa with Nine Network personality Richard Wilkins policy; no matter HOW weird it sounds, it could happen.

Anyway, I just successfully filled half an essay, so enough pointless crap about insurance. The violence of Roman politics between 133BC and 78BC was not so much "Vince McMahon headbutts The Rock" but more subtle uses of force and an army which was easily manipulated by the rich. The Senate was able to be overcome like "weak-willed little pussy schoolchildren" (Sculalrd) by indimidation. Sulla marched on Rome with his army, rose to a postition of power and prominence and then attempted to close off the pathway he used to others, espousing the virtues of "free love and lentils" (A.R Burn) and the sanctity of the Senate - thereby closing off challenges from competitors, such as Megatron and his evil Decepticons (NOTE: OBLIGATORY 'TRANSFORMERS' REFERENCE). The sheer intimidatory might of Sulla's army (who were cybernetically-enhanced killing machines hell-bent on finding and destroying John Connor) allowed him to gain authority in Roman Politics.

So, in summary, Sulla was a dastardly fiend, similar to Dastardly Dick in the Hanna-Barberra cartoon Wacky Racers

Footnotes

* - Desperados, don't click on that link. It doesn't go anywhere. But hey, try typing it in your browser, there's probably an actual site named just that out there. After all, this is the internet: "Haven for cheaply-made smut and pornography".

** - This really happened. Seriously, he was eaten from the inside-out by worms. If you don't believe me, look it up.

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