Passing Show is one of my favourite reads on campus. I love to pick it up every few weeks and read the latest on topics ranging from Conception Day to student activism, art and anywhere in between. It’s as if the hum of a diverse and energetic campus harnessed on page, sitting – free of charge – on stands and waiting to engage you. What’s Up is another essential read, tipping one off to nights of beer drinking, prayer groups, essay-writing seminars, beer drinking, spirit drinking and ‘How to write an essay when drunk’ workshops, amongst other things. There’s so much going on in every room and every courtyard that, to the naïve university debutante – or even those who have been here for years – it may seem that they’re not active enough if they aren’t President of at least three societies by the end of first semester. All over campus, the scene plays itself out: shiny, happy people – laughing, snogging or just running political campaigns for a new Student Board party dedicated to painting campus buildings in an attractive beige shade.
But what about the rest of us? What about the nerds too enamoured with their spot in the library and their dog-eared Kafka to try and find out how many beers they can drink whilst standing on one leg and humming the Marseilles What to do for the socially inadequate guy or girl whose fear of interaction stems back to an early childhood incident involving a sadistic cousin, saliva and a bag of cement? How or where does the young man with the Wings compilation tape in the stereo of his Datsun 180B find a soulmate for good times on a campus full of people who actually have a clue?
Well, fear not, fellow outcasts. I know of a life beyond sitting alone on the grass and getting some vicarious thrill out of knowing people somewhere are having a good time. At enrolment day, or early on in the semester, you will have read many different guides to life and recreation at uni; come with me as I present the alternate guide for good times on campus, designed for those of us who own a mobile phone but never have reason to use it.
Admittedly, this one has already been alluded to, but I mention it as it still has a lot of merit. Cynics may refer to this method as ‘stalking’, but you and I both know that a more appropriate term for it is ‘vicarious coolness’. Pick out a spot – say, on the grassy slopes outside the Atrium, or on a bench near the Library coffee cart – and watch. See how they wait for sweet, sweet coffee, smiles on their mouths and mischief in their eye. Notice how the guy who has obviously recently shopped at General Pants makes flirty remarks and romantic overtures to the gorgeous girl beside him… LOOK! He even pays for her drink! Watching people is great, especially if you are a writer… or just looking to assume the mindset of an omniscient, God-like observer with no ties to reality. Plus, its cheaper than buying coffee.
A word of advice: don’t try to mimic the guy you’re observing. You’re not capable of that level of detached spontaneity. Just watch.
From all anecdotal evidence, the gym is apparently a great place to burn off stress and energy and get a healthy focus on life. The Gym on the Macquarie campus provides such an outlet for students of all ages. It’s for these reasons that Gym freaks are clearly the best people with which to spontaneously pick a fight. Look at it: after a workout, they’re tired, full of clarity and a serene all-over feeling of health and/or aches. ‘Fighting back’ will be the last thing on their minds when you land a punch square on their nose. It’s fun and relatively cheap, depending on whether or not they later decide to pursue legal action. In any case, when campus security hauls you off the hauling mass of muscle on the floor below, you can use the proven defence line: “I was bored”.
Not so much ‘stealing’, since all of the above items are free of charge, but at any rate a welcome distraction from exams, your lack of success with the opposite sex or your pending court case opposite the Gym-freak. Extra points if you steal someone else’s napkin/salt/plate of food whilst they’re not looking.
Bah! They can have their beer drinking, their SAM-endorsed events and their promiscuous sex – all of it amounts to little in the face of the chance for students to win a meat tray or fruit platter!
Why not use the time you’re not spending on study (which means most of the week if you study something Arts-related) running a successful daily bingo competition? All you need is a tacky, ill-matched suit (ask your parents), a bucket full of numbers and you’re away. Imagine the thrill in hearing the call of ‘Legs Eleven’ or ‘Two fat ladies – 66’ ringing across the courtyards of this fine (but painfully bingo-less) institution! You’ll be the envy of your peers – not to mention making money out of something that benefits all and sundry.
(A word of caution: If State Gaming Inspectors should happen to visit and ask to see your competition licence, make some good-natured, crowd-pleasing crack about the cold-hearted Government “spoiling our fun” and then surreptitiously make your escape. Burn the tacky suit.)
A good, fun one, but also time-consuming. Remember to also search for swearwords in other languages – this will expand your mind beyond the everyday realms of English spoken profanity.
On the rare occasions that you may actually interact with someone, make mental notes of the different idiosyncrasies that crop up on your part in such a situation. Later, jot these down into defined categories on paper.
Now, here’s the important part. For every time you ‘ummed’ or ‘ahhed’, eat the contents of a 1kg bag of flour. For every time you scratched yourself or adjusted your undergarments (as applicable), eat three spoonfuls of hot chilli salsa. Eat such foodstuffs for all the negative things you did during the conversation. For all the positives – such as joking, flirting or using good manners – drink a shot (standard shot glass) of antacid. If, after you have completed your analysis, you’re rushed to hospital for an emergency stomach pump, you’ll know that your conversational skills still need brushing up on – a valuable lesson indeed.
These are just some of the useful tips for an enjoyable alternate campus life that I have compiled (the hard way). Of course, instead of following all of this, you could just get involved in activities or organisations and try to pick up at the bar… but where’s the fun in all of that?!