Mule HQ Webmaster To Get 'Seriously Drunk' This Sunday Night

Not Drunk, But Certainly Not Sober: Nick In Practice For Sunday With A Doll Made Of Ice. Yes...Ice.
Above: Not Drunk, But Certainly Not 'Sober': Nick In Practice For Sunday Night With A Doll Made OF Ice...Yes, Ice.

Sydney's Closing Ceremony Festivities 'Gonna Go Off. Dude'

Attempts To Come Onto And Rub Up Against Women Not Ruled Out
SYDNEY, FRIDAY SEPT. 29TH-- Fresh from the morning session of the athletics and raring to go on a weekend which promises to be the biggest party in Sydney's and Australia's history, Mule HQ webmaster Nick Marland has announced how he plans to spend Sunday night, as the flame is extinguished and Sydney's Olympiad with it - going to the city, getting drunk and cracking onto (hopefully reciprocating) females.

The innovative approach to celebration - particularly innovative and unheard of in Australia - is Marland's response to the historical 'once-in-a-lifetime event'; a fitting way by which to remember the 16 days in which Sydney was the centre of the universe - except in America and on NBC, of course.

"Sydney this weekend is gearing up for its biggest party ever, besides of course my 9th birthday where me and my primary school had a putting competition in my backyard," said Marland, delusional owner of the loathed and unfunny website. "I've decided that the best way to mark the historic occassion is to not eat all day Sunday - so as to provide minimal food with which to 'soak up' any alcohol in my system - and then to hit a six-pack of beer, trying hard to finish around 2 bottles a minute.

"I'll also endeavour to alternate between beer and spirits, a definite no-no; pulling myself back from the brink of mass vomiting to go to work on an unassuming female public."

Nick was adamant that this plan would be a success, claiming that "no-one ever got hurt or hurt others by drinking too much".

He was particularly excited about the flirting element, promising plenty of improper, inapporpriate and unwanted sexual advances on friends and strangers alike. "One word, compounded: 'Grab-ass'. Grab-ass is the operative here; the plan is for me to walk around rubbing up against cute girls - maybe drunk themselves, maybe not - and, well, 'seeing what happens'.

Claimed Marland: "I'm desperate - It's a cry for help."

Marland's plan had been in 'sketch form' for quite a few days, but the final go-ahead to put 'Operation: Olym-pash' into action came after attending a morning session of athletics at Olympic Park today.

"Man, there was this amazingly hot chick sitting in front of me with her mother today at Stadium Australia, and then outside there were hundreds more. Nerds and social misfits like myself need the warm, cosy tongue-lick of alcohol to make us feel like these women are interested, y'know?"

Asked about what he thought of the remaining two days of competition by Mule HQ's reporter, Nick replied: "Huh? Man, the Olympics are over. It's time for the 'Sexcathlon' and I'm the reigning champion."

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