Several Nasty Nudity Incidents As Torch Tours Sydney
Thousands Come Out To See Torch, Some Pull Down Pants For Unknown Reasons
Photo: One Of The Offending Asses, As Photographed By Police
SYDNEY, FRIDAY SEPT. 15TH-- The Olympic Torch arrived in Sydney last Monday, and throughout the week millions have turned out at locations across the city to greet the relay. Now on the final day of the relay, as the torch nears Stadium Australia to light the cauldron, a shocking statistic has been revealed: that incidents of public nudity and bare asses have increased exponentially with the torch's arrival.
On the eve of the Games, New South Wales Police Commissioner Peter Ryan has released arrest reports which tell of excessive nudity greeting the torch at many points along its ever-winding path.
"During this week - beginning September 11th - the Metropolitan Police bureau has recorded a total of 104 arrests on the charge of indecent exposure," said Ryan, before a packed press conference in the International Broadcast Centre at Homebush. "This can be further divided in several categories: 60 charges of 'Baring Ass/Mooning', 22 charges of 'Total Pants Removal' or 'TPR', 11 counts of bare female breasts or part thereof - for example, one breast, a nipple and so on - 6 counts of 'Helicoptering' - that is, to take the penis from the pants and swing it around in full public view - and 5 counts of 'Streaking' or 'Clothes-less Exhibitionism'."
The figures (no pun intended) conveyed by Ryan indicate a disturbing trend, one that is sure to concern Olympic organisers as they embark upon a sporting competition viewed by billions across the globe.
Security concerns have been heightened as earlier this morning Australian golfing star Greg Norman - running his torch leg across the Sydney Harbour Bridge - was beseiged by an clothesless overweight man who proceeded to throw Norman to the ground and sit on his face. The horror of this aside, Games Organisers fear that the worst is possibly yet to come.
Social Behaviourist and lecturer G. Fallan Crenshaw, however, is excited by the statistics.
"Well, I'm excited on two counts," says Crenshaw. "Firstly, the figures prove that people love to take their clothes off whenever present at a major event featuring extensive camera coverage. Human instinct is to flash your ass, wave your phallus in the air or let people see your giant, flabby male breasts bobbing up and down. These figures reinforce that fact: for every family group out enjoying the festivities on the streets or in parkland gatherings, there was at least one disgustingly fat man or scrawny, pimply geek pointing his butt at the torch as it passed."
"Secondly, I love naked boobies" Crenshaw added.
It is unsure what measures Olympic organisers will take to counter the trend shown in the arrest statistics, but sources reporting to Mule HQ from inside the Sydney Organising Committee for the Olympic Games indicate that Games Minister Micheal Knight is pushing for a last-minute bill to be pushed through Federal Parliament allowing Police to 'shoot-on-site' any fat or drunken men who appear to be likely nudity candidates. However, this legislation will apparently not extend to "hot, naked chicks with seriously wild T 'n' A".
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