Horny Gorilla
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of 
gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very
ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian
determined the problem:  she was in heat.

What to do? There was no male of this species
available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo
administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to
satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright.

So the zoo administrators thought they might
have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female
gorilla.  So he was approached with a proposition: would he be
willing to screw the gorilla -- for five hundred bucks? Mike replied
that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to
have to kiss her," and "Second, I don't want anything to do with any
offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third?

"Well," said MIKE, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."


Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident but it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them
are hurt. After they  crawl out of  their cars, the woman says, "So you're
a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! 
There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign 
from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from
God!

The woman continued, "And look at  this, here's another miracle. My car 
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she
hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens
it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it 
back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think
I'll just wait for the police..."


Slot Machine Blondie
A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends.
She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in,
turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she
proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned
the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.

She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob
producing yet another candy bar.


Cabbie Revenge
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter
and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just
get to the airport he could get himself home. 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He 
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his 
credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc.
but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), 
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" 
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time 
he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to
the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. 
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of
cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when
he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment
about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, 
and he hit on a plan. 

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much
for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came
the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the
way?" "What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long
line and asked the same questions, with the same result. 
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he
got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The
cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok"
and off they went.

Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the
businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

From a Woman's Point of View...

>What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through its pecker. >Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. >Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. >Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions. >Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. >Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to keep them in. >What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them. >Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock. >Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love. >Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. >Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. >Why is pee yellow and sperm white? So you can tell if he's coming or going. >How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows; it hasn't happened yet. >Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus? It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy. >Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it! Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? >Scientists have discovered a new food that is designed to lower the male sex drive; it's commonly known as Wedding Cake. >God gave men two of the greatest organs...a penis and a brain... too bad 'He' only gave him a a large enuff blood supply to run one at a time.

JOKE PAGE

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