Sexy Jokes

Why is the head of a mans penis bigger than the shaft?

So his hand doesn't slip off and hit him in the face?

Why was Snow White arrested at DisneyLand?

- Because she was caught sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie Bastard....Lie!"

The first ladies of UK, Russia and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the 'penis of their respective spouse.'

Said the first lady of UK, "It is like a gentle man, it stands up, as soon as I enter the room"

Said the one from Russia, "It is like an army officer, you do not know where he will attack from, front or back."

Said the French lady, "It is like the screen in the auditorium, once the act is performed, it drops down."

Said Hilary, "It’s like a rumor, it moves from one mouth to another.”

A man goes to a tattoo artist and says: "I'd like you to tattoo a one-hundred dollar bill onto my dick." The tattoo artist is surprised: "Well, that could hurt a lot! Why would you want a 100 dollar bill on your dick?" The man answers, "Three reasons:

1.I like to watch my money grow,
2.I like to play with my money, and
3.next time my wife wants to blow a-hundred bucks she won't have to leave the house!"

And God created woman........... She had three breasts.

God asked the woman, "Is there anything you would like to change?"

She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"

And it was done. And it was good.

The woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless tit?" And God created man.

he little boy was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc).

After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse.

He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was. She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.

She said "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that."

He replied, "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then.

• What does a man call true love?
  An erection.
  

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now - the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Did you hear that Clinton is going to give up playing the saxaphone?
He wants to play the whoremonica!

What does a tornado and a woman have in common?
They both scream when they're coming, and take your house when they leave.

Submitted by Sarge!

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.

He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except,,,,,,,,," and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asks.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary- looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
,br> The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it !" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing her.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Submitted by Billy and Sandy Bowman

The Husband - "Hey ... Hey! Where are you going with your bags packed?"

The Wife - "I am going to Las Vegas. You make no money and show me no love. I just can't take it anymore."

"The Husband - "You don't gamble, why are you going to Vegas?" The Wife - "Hey I hear that you get $200 a blow job out in Las Vegas." The Husband - Runs upstairs, and comes down with his bags packed. The Wife - "Where are you going?" The Husband - "I am going to Vegas, I want to see how you live on $400 a year."

Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. " I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone.

"You got the wrong technique my friend", his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stamp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say, 'How about a little ...... ?' She always pretends to be asleep."

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Thanks again to Billy and Sandy!

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHHHH GOD........ they got my girlfriend too!!

Submitted by Billy and Sandy Bowman!

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and his understandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signsback to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I'm at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you had to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.
So, he's lying in bed with her and says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. Just then his wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?" --

Thanks to Billy and Sandy Bowman!

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem." said the man.
"Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him.
So today I was going to come home too and catch them.
Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy.
My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up.
"OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this.
I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!
Well, of course I fell.
I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator......."

Thankyou Billy and Sandy!

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?!" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.

"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other "I hear the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd, her companion replies, but if we shall live in America we might as well do as Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward it. "Two dogs please", says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a park bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs".
The mother superior is the first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers "what part did you get?"

Submitted by Billy and Sandy Bowman!

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that there is an experimental drug called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy. She tells the therapist that the sex, just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle of Viagra. The therapist says she doesn't know, it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
The next morning the woman puts the rest of the bottle of pills in her husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes young man, I did. Why?" "Well, Mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and Dad's sitting in the corner going "Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...."

Submitted by Billy and Sandy Bowman!

A man had passed his 30th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating in the garden shed.
"What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married."
"But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get tired."

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out!"

Two gay guys are going at it. Then one gets up and says, "Stay right there I'll be right back." When the guy comes back into the bedroom cum is everywhere, on the wall and the furniture.
The guy says, "What the hell happened?", and the other gay guy says, "I farted."


A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

The teacher called on Johnny to solve the next question. "There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence", she said, "and the farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?.
Johnny thinks a second and says "none". The Teacher asked him how he figured that.
"Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away". The teacher said "That's not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking".
Then Johnny says "Now can I ask you one?". The teacher said okay.
Johnny says "There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?.
The teacher said "Why, the one that's licking it" to which Johnny answered "Wrong. It's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking..."

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The couselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies " Well not exactly, she's the one who suffers not me."

What does a computer and a blonde have in common?
You don't appreciate either one until they go down on you!!

There was a nun who got on the bus and a hippi said "i want to ####  you!" the nun said "no!" so when the nun got off then the hippi got off but the bus driver said "hey wait i hear you want to screw that nun?" "ya,so" said the hippi the bus driver said "she prays at the old cemetary every night so go there dressed as god." "Thanks" said the hippi. That night the the hippi went to the cemetary dressed as god and the nun was there like he said. the hippi went up to the nun and said screw me!the nun said ok so after they were done the hippi took off his mask and said"haha i'm the hippi" then the nun took off her mask and said ha ha i'm the bus driver!

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.They undressed and were about to screw,The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition."I should tell you,I have acute angina."she said. The man replied,"thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

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