"...where jagged hearts collide..."

"I know that I never can have you
so I will not even try.
If this had happened a few years ago
I'd have taken you aside
and whispered while no one was watching
looked deep into your brown eyes
but I know that I cannot have you...
...so I will not even try"
--"Jagged Hearts", Christine Lavin
from "Please Don't Make Me Too Happy", Shanachie 8016
(If you haven't bought it yet... do so. :) (luv ya Christine!))

Well, now I am in an odd predicament which segues quite nicely into Valentine's day. You see, right now I am completely entranced by a wonderful friend. Problem is, if I pursue it, I could lose a friendship, and if I don't I could be passing up the opportunity of a lifetime. (In a conversation I had (see below) on this subject, I phrased it as follows: "If I tell her, I could be blowing the best thing that ever happenned to me, but if I don't, I could be blowing the best thing that ever happenned to me...") You know... this "Friend Zone" is MUCH more trouble than it's worth.

First off, I'm not gracing the cover of GQ anytime soon... but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person. In fact, I would like to think I'm a fairly decent individual. (Write me for testimonials and endorsements. :) )

Secondly, after asking a mutual friend about the situation, I was told, in no uncertain terms, "no". Whether it was a situation where she was saving me from rejection or trying to keep me from destroying a wonderful friendship, it still hurt... and that was some time ago. Still, I can't stop thinking about this person. Going out of my way for her even though I have no reason to.

The best thing I can say is that I've been trying to break myself from her. In the beginning, I even found myself "distancing" myself from her... almost as if I was "ignoring" her without actually doing so, just to keep from losing myself. Well, it's almost working. I still find myself going out of my way, but I have been trying to work on building a wonderful friendship against a backdrop of "Should've been's". *sigh* Life is a tradeoff sometimes. Hopefully, I'm making my way into something far more fulfilling. Sometimes I hate being a gentleman... but I wouldn't trade it for the world. C'est la vie... Happy Valentine's Day.

Superman's Song has been rattling in my head for a few days now. It's a story of nobility and purity of intent using Superman and Tarzan as a metaphor for society. In a world led by Tarzans, very few of us have the courage to become Superman. I say us simply because I see myself in the phrases of this song. Such passages as:

Supe had a straight job
Even though he could have smashed through any bank
In the United States, he had the strength, but he would not
Folks said his family were all dead
Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself
To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going

and

Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes
I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back on man,
join Tarzan in the forest
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes
In dirty old phonebooths 'til his work was through
And nothing to do but go on home
--"Superman's Song", Crash Test Dummies
from "The Ghosts That Haunt Me Now"

Some people have questioned why I do what I do. Why do I have a personlas board I never advertise on? Why do I continue to write these essays? What do I hope to accomplish? I know I have helped others find happiness. This to me is worth far more than any personal gain or satisfaction I could get from conventional fleeting happiness. I've made memories. Something I can look back at and smile.

Part 2, "...where jagged hearts collide...", was hidden for over 3 months. Now, packaged with part three I can explain everything. You see, what I most wanted was a rejection. A sign to go on with my life instead of fawning over someone I knew I would never be able to hold for more than a few seconds. It was subtle and unmistakable, and in a phrase, the words I needed most and wanted least changed the path of my life yet again. I started focusing on what I knew I did have. However disfunctional, it is the only family I know is there.

"It wasn't paradise but it was home..."
- "At the Ballet", from "A Chorus Line".

I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that I am a very different type of person anyway. You see, I'm not "obsessed" with sex, as what I want is a completion. Sex is a painting, sometimes fingerpaints, sometimes landscapes, but I've been searching for art... and art is not just painting. It can be anything, but it is far deeper than paint on canvas. This quest is one of the things that seperate me from other people. It's why I tilt windmills instead of giving up the quest, though the temptation is strong, and resistance is a constant battle of wills. Perhaps it's better to just be a catalyst for change. Perhaps...

I know now that I was right. No, it wasn't my dance, but it doesn't mean I can't help her find her partner... Then I can watch the dance from a distance. That, dear friends, is art... and art is beautiful.

Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

Keep your eyes open, Brad. Not all of us jump tall buildings.

Return to the round table.
Back to the shell.

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