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Psychologists say that there is a cycle of abuse. If you were in an abusive household as a child, you are more apt to become the abuser as an adult. The key is to break the cycle. I feel I have done this. In my life, I have been subject to physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my father, whose violent fits would leave me bruised for weeks. I know it may be easy to blow the "spare the rod, spoil the child" metaphor out of hand, but I have come to the conclusion that he simply did not know better. The worst part was the mental abuse. Each time he would have us assume a push-up position, standing over us with a belt, screaming at us that if we started crying we would get it, if we let our knees touch the carpet, we were going to get it, and ranting on what useless wastes of humanity we were, I felt that it had to have at least some grain of truth.
To this day, I am accused of cursing properly. It bothers me when I hear this, no matter how odd the comment may be, but it comes back to my father's fear of being embarrassed. He would punish us over things as small as using improper grammar. It has scarred my psyche for life.
I would also be cloaked in the psychological terror of guilt. I would take problems personally, even when I wasn't involved, because of some convoluted logic only he could understand, and that I was supposed to have already known. I would accept things as being my fault without having a reason. When I was old enough to start thinking things through, the reasons became, "Who provides you": a) food to eat, b) clothes to wear, or c) a place to live. I felt I had no reason to complain, and decided this is how life is lived.
I remember times when I would take the fall for my sister and brother just to keep them from having to go through this as well. Sometimes it worked. Other times... well. Anyway, we survived... until my sister left. Being adopted, she had the chance for escape. It was the first time I saw him cry. He began to realize that we weren't going to be there forever, that we may not be there for him at all someday. It hurt him deeply, and he started making some changes. Leopards don't change their spots overnight, so the transition hasn't been complete, but it's always getting better.
I've also become stronger. I buy my own food and clothes, I pay rent, and I have nothing but a roof over my head. Sure, I still live with a lot of guilt for things I have no reason to feel guilty about, but I'm working through that. I'm getting stronger. What I do feel is that I am a stronger person for surviving, and more importantly, I feel that by knowing what to look for, I can avoid it. I've broken the cycle, and y'know what? Even though I cry too easily, even though I still deal with more than a few ghosts, I refuse to give in to the demons within.
I can also relate to my mom and her abuses. The reason she feels so strongly about helping the rape crisis centers. Though my abuse was of a different nature, my convictions against the abuse are as strong. I can honestly say I want nothing more than to keep others from feeling the pain of abuse. I can't stop it in others lives, but I can offer a sympathetic ear, a warm shoulder, and all the help I can give to help ease the way out. The cycle can be broken, if we fight the belief that it can't be conquered...
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