a) every inch of his car and how to take care of it, but can't say the same about his girlfriend.
b) knows the exact date that he bought his car, but can't recall his wedding anniversary.
c) can shift gears with a lot more skill in his car than he can in bed.
***What Men Say ... What Men Mean***
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means...."Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."
God Gave Man Sex***
When God created man, he gave him 20 years of sex. Man asked God for more, but God said 20 years was enuff. When God created monkey, he gave him 20 years. Monkey said to God, "I only need 10 years". Man heard this and spoke up "God may I have the other 10 years?" God said okay. God then gave 20 years to the lion. However, lion spoke up and said that 10 years was plenty for sex. Again man spoke up and requested the other 10 years. God gave him the extra 10 years again. God then gave the donkey 20 years of sex, but again the donkey thought 10 years was enuff. Man spoke up again and requested the other 10 years. God gave him the other 10 years. This is why man has 20 years good sex, 10 years monkeying around, 10 years lion about it, and 10 years making a jackass of himself.
WELL......I hope you liked them. They will always be changing. If you have any more to send to me go right ahead.
kimh69@hotmail.com