Yours truly,
Barbie
-wrecker
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ode to Barbie
(aka blonde jokes)
SHE IS SO BLONDE.................
she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she thought a quarterback was a refund
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
she tried to drown a fish
she tripped over a cordless phone
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
she got stabbed in a shoot-out
she told me to meet her at the corner of
"WALK" and "DONT WALK"
she sat on the tv and watched the couch
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
if you gave her a penny for intelligence,
you'd get change back
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"..she put "Sagittarius"
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
she studied for a blood test - and failed
she thought she needed a token to get on
Soul Train
she sold the car for gas money
when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went homeand got 16 friends
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,she moved
she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
thanks to... Tootsie664
Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
December 23, 1996
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present,wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one toomany tea parties, and I hate to break
it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be
some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be round to smell it). So,here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a
frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna
get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and
velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap
out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like
cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend
Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have
to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforemention-
ed Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't carewhose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and schoolteacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better
yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate
chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie",with my very own pain gun, outfitted
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution
to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
-wrecker
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