HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just
as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into
its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat,
bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting
the upper jaw and pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by
your knees, you won't be able to see what you re doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve
cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & . . . OOPS.
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread
towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse
to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -
or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins & lie down.
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