JOB DESCRIPTIONS

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some overtime each night and some overtime each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Everyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED:"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

What a Potential Employee Means:

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"WHEN YOU NEED ME I'M THERE:"
I'm there -- not here!

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job, I'm gone!

"I AM ON THE GO:"
You'll never find me at my desk.

"I AM CONSTANTLY ON THE GO:"
I have serious intestinal problems.

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