ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.

*Hi. This is John
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?

Hello.  This is Mark and Nathan's phone.  We're not here right now, but the phone is.

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me
for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi.  This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked.  So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

(Machine voice from 2001 Space Oddessy:)
Hello.  This is HAL 5.
  You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith.  I have
taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.

(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:)
Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home.  Please
leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice
similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.

Hello.  You are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving
messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the office and
don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.

(Rod Serling imitation:)  You're dazed,
bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with
color and shadows explode.  You see a signpost up ahead -- this is
no ordinary telephone answering device...  You have reached, "The
Twilight Phone".

(Imitating Mr.  Rogers:)  Hello.  I'm in the Neighborhood of Make
Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your
name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...  I knew
you could.

This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on
the air...

(In a bored voice:)  Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking.If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.  Please note that I answer all prayers,but sometimes the answer is NO.  Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Lucifer speaking.  Who in hell do you want?

(Stoned, slow voice:)  Hey brother, you have
reached the Narcotics Information Hotline.  None of us can answer the
phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists.
Leave a message.

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