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The Crackpots And These Golden Girls
Violet & Cinnamon
TEASER
[Fade up on the Miami house. DOROTHY ZBORNAK and SOPHIA PETRILLO are sitting on the living room couch. They are reading the newspaper. BLANCHE DEVEREAUX is sitting in a chair, reading a paperback novel. ROSE NYLUND enters through the front door.]
Rose: Hi, girls.
Dorothy: Hi, Rose. Where have you been?
Rose: Well, I went to the store to pick up some herring for dinner, and you know what I remembered?
Blanche: That we all hate herring?
Rose: No! I remembered that tomorrow is my granddaughter's birthday!
Dorothy: Oh, how old will little Charley be?
Rose: Not Charley.
Blanche: What do you mean, not Charley? You only have one granddaughter, Rose.
Rose: No, I have two granddaughters.
Dorothy: Rose, I cannot believe that we've lived together all this time and you never told us you have another granddaughter.
Rose: I do. She lives in Washington, DC, and I've decided to fly there in the morning to surprise her!
Dorothy: Washington, DC? Oh, how exciting! I've always been fascinated with Washington, remember, Ma?
Sophia: Yeah. You had the biggest crush on Harry Truman.
Blanche: So is it going to be a big birthday for your granddaughter, Rose?
Rose: She's still in her twenties. I just want to go because I haven't seen her since before the election.
Dorothy: Election? What--what election, Rose?
Rose: The Presidential election, Dorothy. And you call me the stupid one. My granddaughter works in the White House.
[Rose walks to the kitchen. Stunned, Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia follow.]
Dorothy: Your granddaughter works in the White House?
Rose: Uh-huh. Oh, I'm so proud of Donna.
Blanche: Well, what does she do?
Sophia: Let's hope she's not an intern.
Rose: I believe she's the Assistant to the Deputy Chief of Staff.
Dorothy: Oh, my God! Your granddaughter works for Josh Lyman!
Rose: Is that his name?
Dorothy: Rose, I cannot believe this! I voted for Jed Bartlet. This is incredible!
Blanche: Why haven't you ever mentioned Donna before?
Rose: Well, you're always telling me how much you hate the stories I tell, so I decided not to bore you with another story.
Sophia: Last week, you told us about Inga Flingenfloogenflotz, St. Olaf's first female puppeteer, but you decided to keep your granddaughter and her job at the White House a secret?
Rose: Inga was a pioneer in the women's rights movement.
Blanche: She glued little eyes onto socks and made them talk, Rose. That's hardly groundbreaking.
Rose: She didn't just make them talk, Blanche. She made them sing, she made them dance, she made them come to life!
Dorothy: No one cares, Rose! Now, please, tell us more about your granddaughter.
Rose: I don't have time, Dorothy. I have to pack and call the airline. Hey, I have a crazy idea. Why don't you girls come with me?
Blanche: Go with you?
Rose: Sure! We haven't taken a vacation together in years, and I'm sure Donna would love to meet you. What do you say, girls?
Dorothy: I would love to go with you, Rose!
Sophia: I'm game.
Rose: Blanche, what about you?
Blanche: Oh, what the hell. Mel Bushman cancelled our date for tomorrow night, so I'm free. Let's go to Washington!
[Cut to an aerial shot of the White House. Inside, we see JOSH LYMAN hurrying down the hall to a staff meeting, with his assistant DONNA MOSS trailing him.]
Donna: I'm just saying --
Josh: I hear what you're saying, Donna, and the answer is still no.
Donna: I'm just saying that, considering all I do for you, scuba-diving lessons wouldn't be an inappropriate birthday present.
Josh: Maybe not, but if I'm hearing you correctly, you also want me to fly you to Barbados so you can dive with the giant turtles.
Donna: Is that so much to ask for?
Josh: I'll get you scuba diving lessons in the Potomac.
Donna: You could make this birthday really special, Josh --
Josh [teasingly]: I sure could.
[Josh leaves her in the hall and steps jauntily into an office, where LEO MCGARRY, SAM SEABORN, TOBY ZIEGLER, and C.J. CREGG are assembled. They look up at him irritably as he enters.]
Leo: You're late.
Josh: Sorry. Donna was going on about swimming with the giant turtles and -- [he notices everyone staring at him.] You don't care. What's up?
Leo: Social Security.
Josh: Oh, is this about last night?
Leo: The President, in the course of giving a speech on national television --
Toby: An impeccably-written speech that needed no polishing, I might add.
Leo: -- Improvised a riff on how the current budget compromise in Congress is going to bankrupt Social Security.
Toby: He's trying to give me a heart attack.
Sam: I tried to tell you we should put something in there about the budget....
Toby: Sam's trying to give me a heart attack too.
Josh: Is there gonna be a thing?
C.J.: I have a morning briefing in twenty minutes and it's going to be the first ten questions I get. It's already a thing.
Leo: Between this and the women's march in town, things are going to be hectic. Sam, Toby, start working on a statement the President can make to clarify his position. Josh, start going over the Balanced Budget Committee's records in case we need to cite them.
Josh: I'm not really a math person.
Leo: Be one today. [He looks around.] We're done here. Let's hope nothing else goes wrong today.
OPENING CREDITS
--
SCENE ONE
[Fade up on Dorothy, Rose and Blanche standing across the street from the White House.]
Dorothy: Rose, I cannot believe we don't have a way in!
Rose: Well, if I'd called ahead, it wouldn't be a surprise.
Blanche: Maybe I could distract that Secret Service agent over there and you girls could sneak in.
Dorothy: These men are professionals, Blanche. They're not going to be swayed by some cleavage and a smile.
Blanche: Why not? It worked at Buckingham Palace.
[Sophia walks over.]
Sophia: I snagged us the last four spots on the White House tour, but we have to hurry. It starts in five minutes.
[The girls walk across the street to the White House.]
Dorothy: How'd you manage that, Ma?
Sophia: I told them I was dying.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: What? I'm 83 years old! I could go at any minute.
[Cut to White House tour. Dorothy is totally engrossed, Sophia is paying attention, Blanche looks bored, and Rose is looking around for Donna.]
Tour guide: And that concludes our tour. Are there any questions?
Rose: I have a question.
Tour guide: Go ahead.
Rose: Can you tell me where the President's staff works?
Tour guide: Their offices are in the west wing of the building. Any other questions?
Man in tour: When the President is sworn in--
Rose [whispering]: Girls, this is our chance. We can sneak down there and surprise Donna!
Dorothy [whispering]: What if we get caught?
Blanche [whispering]: We can just say we're diplomats or something. They'll never know.
Sophia [whispering]: The tour's moving ahead. Come on!
[The girls head in the direction of the West Wing.]
Sophia: I snagged these name tags from the tour leaders. They look really official.
Blanche: I'm Catherine Connelly.
Sophia: I'm Juanita Montez.
Dorothy: I'm Helen Kappenbach.
Rose [puzzledly]: I'm Kim Fung-Toi.
[The girls put on the badges, stride towards the offices.]
--
SCENE TWO
[Sneaking through a corridor, the girls get stopped by Secret Service Agent RON BUTTERFIELD.]
Ron: Ladies?
Sophia: Run, Rose!
Blanche: Let me handle this. [She clears her throat.] May I help you?
Ron: Who are you and why are you in this area of the building?
Blanche: We are diplomats, sir.
Ron: Diplomats?
Blanche: Yes, sir, we are diplomats.
Ron: Let me see your credentials.
Blanche: I don't usually show a man my credentials until after he's taken me to dinner.
Ron: Ladies? I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Rose: Oh, no. Please--
Ron: Now.
[Rose begins to cry.]
Dorothy: Oh, look. You've upset Kim Fung-Toi.
[Cut to Josh's office. Josh is sitting behind his desk, looking at budget printouts.]
Josh: Donna! Can you bring me a calculator?
[Donna enters and tosses a pencil and a pad of paper on Josh's desk.]
Josh: What's this?
Donna: Paper and a pencil.
Josh: This is not a calculator.
Donna: No, it's paper and a pencil.
Josh: I asked for a calculator.
Donna: I thought maybe you'd like to work on your long division.
Josh: I don't want to work on my long division, I want a calculator.
Donna: You're a smart guy, Josh. I'm sure you can do some of this stuff in your head.
Josh: Quick, what's three trillion divided by 26 billion?
Donna: Let me get you that calculator.
[Voices from the hall.]
Josh: What's that?.
[Josh and Donna walk out of his office and see Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche arguing with Ron.]
Rose: Please, just let me see my granddaughter--
Donna: Grandma?
Rose: Donna!
Donna: Grandma!
[Rose and Donna hug.]
Josh: Grandma?
Dorothy: Josh Lyman!
Josh: Ron?
[Blanche steps forward and extends her hand.]
Blanche: Blanche Devereaux.
Josh: Ron?!
Donna: It's ok, sir. This is my grandmother.
Ron: Please tell your grandmother and her friends not to sneak into the White House next time they decide to pay you a visit.
[Ron walks away.]
Donna: Grandma, what are you doing here?
Rose: I wanted to surprise you. Happy birthday, sweetheart!
Donna: Grandma Rose, this is my boss, Josh Lyman. Josh, this is my grandmother, Rose Nylund.
[Josh and Rose shake hands.]
Rose: It's nice to meet you, Joshua. These are my friends, Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia.
Josh: Hey.
Dorothy: It's a real thrill to meet you, Mr. Lyman.
Josh: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Donna [rolls her eyes at Josh]: Why don't I take you four out to lunch?
Josh: You don't have your lunch hour for another two hours yet.
Donna [flippantly]: So fire me.
Josh: I can do that, you know.
Donna: Knock yourself out.
Josh: You're going to leave without even showing your grandmother around?
Rose: Oh, we don't need to -- [Dorothy elbows her] Ouch!
Josh: It's not like you get an insider's tour of the West Wing every day. We can send someone to get lunch for you. Donna, who usually goes and gets lunch around here?
Donna: I do.
Josh: Oh, yeah. Well, send one of the interns. We're gonna show these nice ladies the White House.
Donna: What about the Budget Committee?
Josh: 51 billion divided by 260 million, Donna.
Donna [resigned]: Let's go.
[They all head off down the hallway, Josh leading the way.]
Rose: Can you believe it, girls?
Dorothy: We're going to see where the leaders of the free world work!
Blanche: I must admit, I've always found politicians exciting.
Sophia: You find anything with a Y-chromosome exciting!
Dorothy: Maybe we'll even get to meet the President!
Sophia: Let's just keep Blanche from popping out of his birthday cake.
[Josh stops at MARGARET's desk.]
Josh: Is Leo in?
Margaret: He's in a conference call --
Josh: Aw, this'll be quick.
[He knocks on Leo's door and then opens it.]
Leo [into the phone]: Hang on. [He presses a button and puts the phone on hold.] What?
Josh: You busy?
Leo: I'm talking to three members of Congress who believe the President should draft a written apology for his remarks last night and then do whatever they want for the next six months as a 'gesture of goodwill.'
Josh: So is that a yes, or...?
Leo: I'm always busy, Josh. What do you want?
Josh: There's some people here I'd like you to meet. It'll only take a second.
[Leo gets up from his desk and follows Josh out of the office.]
Josh: Ladies, this is my boss, White House Chief of Staff Leo McGarry. This is Donna's grandmother Rose, and her friends Dorothy, Sophia, and Blanche.
[Josh looks highly amused. Donna looks embarrassed. Dorothy looks thrilled. Sophia looks mildly impressed. Blanche and Leo stare at each other, stunned.]
Blanche: Mr. McGarry.
Leo: Blanche Hollingsworth! What a treat to see you after all this time. I'm surprised you haven't forgotten me.
Blanche: *Forgotten* you? You broke my heart thirty years ago, you cad!
[Everyone else exchanges confused looks.]
Leo: Now, Blanche, I don't think I --
Blanche: Why, I've just never forgiven you!
[Blanche folds her arms and turns her back on Leo coldly. He sighs and retreats into his office, slamming the door behind him. Dorothy goes to console Blanche.]
Josh: Well, this is a hell of a lot more interesting than the budget.
Donna: You are *so* fired.
Josh: If I lose my job, you're going down with me. [Donna opens her mouth to protest. Josh grins at her.] Happy birthday.
[Fade out.]
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