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The Crackpots And These Golden Girls
Violet & Cinnamon
SCENE THREE
[Fade in on Josh's office. Josh is leaning back in his chair enjoying himself, and Donna has her face in her hands to conceal her embarrassment. Blanche is sitting mournfully in one of Josh's chairs, and Dorothy, Sophia and Rose are hovering around her.]
Josh: So you dated Leo in college?
Blanche: Oh, he was the perfect gentleman. He was so suave and polite and smart. I really started to fall in love with him.
Rose: Well, what happened?
Blanche: One night I was supposed to meet Leo for dinner, and he stood me up. Can you imagine?! A man standing Blanche Devereaux up?!
Sophia: Usually they just lay you down.
Dorothy: Ma!
Blanche: A few days later, he sent me a letter saying he'd transferred to a school up north because they had a better law department. I was just devastated! Then a few months later I met George. We were happy together, but I never forgot Leo. And I never heard from him again.
Josh: That doesn't sound like something Leo would do.
Donna: You don't think Leo would ditch his love life for a career opportunity?
Josh: Okay, so it sounds a little like something Leo would do.
Rose: Oh, Donna, I just remembered your birthday present!
Donna: Grandma, you didn't have to get me anything.
Josh: Wait, so she doesn't have to get you anything, but I'm supposed to send you to the tropics?
Rose: It was no trouble, sweetheart. I baked you one of my Honey Crunch Brown Sugar Maple Logs.
[She produces the confection from her oversized handbag and puts it on Josh's desk. Josh looks at it curiously.]
Donna: Oh, how sweet of you! Thanks so much.
Sophia: Sweet? That thing has so much sugar glaze, it probably glows in the dark!
[There's a knock on Josh's door and Sam pokes his head into the room.]
Sam: Josh, I -- oh, am I interrupting something important?
Josh: I can't begin to tell you how you're not.
Dorothy: You're Sam Seaborn!
Sam: Um, yeah. Who are you?
Josh: These are Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia, and Donna's grandmother Rose.
Sam: Really? I didn't know you had a grandmother. I mean, I assumed you *had* one, but... I'm talking myself into a hole here.
Josh: Hey, Sam, why don't you show the ladies your office? I really should get back to work, and if Donna's face gets any redder I'm afraid her head might explode. [Donna groans.]
Sam: Sure! You guys can come meet my boss, Toby Ziegler.
Dorothy [excited]: We'd love that! Come on, Ma.
Blanche [sighs]: I suppose I might as well take a look around while I'm here.
Rose: I'll see you later, honey, all right?
Donna [nods]: Have fun, Grandma.
[The girls follow Sam out of Josh's office. Donna glares at Josh, who chuckles to himself.]
Donna: I'm going to kill you!
Josh [innocently]: You're not having fun?
Donna: You better not ask me to make you coffee for a very long time.
Josh: I'm sorry, Donna. But your grandmother and her friends are really nice! [He eyes Rose's birthday gift.] What did she say that thing was called?
Donna: A Crunchy Maple Sugar Honey Log.
Josh: Can I try a piece?
[Donna nods. Josh unwraps the cellophane, breaks off a small chunk, and takes a bite.]
Josh: Wow. I think I can actually feel it eating away my taste buds.
Donna: You're really charming, you know that?
Josh: I may have to hire your grandmother.
Donna: Josh --
Josh: Just kidding. [As she gets up to leave, he rummages through the papers on his desk.] Oh, and see if you can find me that calculator, will you?
--
SCENE FOUR
[Cut to the hall. Sam is leading Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia and Rose to Toby's office.]
Blanche: Do you think he's out here, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Who?
Blanche: Leo McGarry!
Sam: You know Leo?
Blanche: It's a long story.
Sophia: Short version: he dumped her.
Sam: Leo dumped you?
Blanche: Hard to believe, isn't it? Why, I just can't believe my luck, running into him here.
Dorothy: Blanche, I cannot believe you didn't know Leo McGarry worked for the President! I mean, I could have told you that.
Blanche: Of course you could have told me that, Dorothy. You don't have a social life.
Sam: Ahem. Here's Toby Ziegler's office.
Rose: Mr. Seaborn? May I talk to you for a minute?
Sam: Sure, Rose. You ladies just go on in.
Dorothy: Are you sure?
Sam: He's just working on a little statement, he won't mind.
[Dorothy claps her hands in joy. Blanche and Sophia look at each other and shake their heads. The three of them enter Toby's office.]
Sam: What is it, Rose?
Rose: I'm concerned about UFOs.
Sam: I'm sorry?
Rose: I'm concerned about UFOs.
Sam: You're concerned.
Rose: Yes.
Sam: About UFOs.
Rose: Yes. A few years ago, I saw a UFO from my very own lanai! It was very exciting, but it was also very scary. I think the government should pay more attention to UFOs.
Sam: Are we paying them any attention at all right now?
Rose: No.
Sam: Good. We have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.
[Cut to Toby's office. Toby is at his desk, going over a rough draft and growing increasingly irritated.]
Toby: I still don't understand. Who let you in here?
Blanche: That nice young man. Sam.
Toby: Sam? Does he want me to kill him? [Toby sighs] He must want me to kill him; I mean, first he writes this, then he lets you in here -- poor Sam. Poor, dead Sam.
Dorothy: May I have a look at that?
[Dorothy gestures to the paper on Toby's desk.]
Toby: No.
Dorothy: If you're proof-reading it, I could help you. I'm an English teacher.
Sophia: Substitute English teacher, Pussycat. Substitute.
Dorothy: I have 38 years of English teaching experience!
Toby: Okay, that doesn't seem to be about anything that interests me.
[Sam and Rose enter the office.]
Sam: See, the thing is, Mrs. Nylund, there are levels to the US air command, and to relay your message to the President would skip several of them.
Rose: Like what?
Sam: Like the Pentagon and, I don't know, therapy? [Rose nods thoughtfully.]
Toby: Oh, Sam?
Sam: Yes?
Toby: Who are these people and why did you let them into my office?
Sam [cheerfully]: Well, that's Dorothy Zbornak, and her mother Sophia, and Blanche apparently used to date Leo, and this is Rose --
Toby: I swear to God, Sam, if the hallways weren't full of armed guards, I'd strangle you with my own bare hands and then have you boiled in oil.
Rose: That happened to someone I knew in St. Olaf! Hugh Gerfleckfinugen's wife caught him in bed with the milkmaid....
[Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia groan reflexively. Toby fixes Rose with a discomfiting stare.]
Toby: Have you fallen on your head?
Rose: What?
Toby: Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?
[Rose looks confused, then stung.]
Sam: Toby, I'm just trying to be a good host.
Toby: Could you possibly be a good host anywhere but in my office?
Rose: We'll go back and see my granddaughter. Let's go.
[Rose and Blanche stalk out.]
Sophia: I'm going to go see if I can find a cup of tea around this place. Come on, Pussycat.
Dorothy: I'm right behind you, Ma.
[Sophia exits. Dorothy lingers.]
Sam: You ought to really make an effort --
Toby and Dorothy [simultaneously]: Split infinitive.
[Toby and Dorothy look at each other.]
Toby: You know, on second thought, maybe you should look over this speech of Sam's.
[Dorothy walks around Toby's desk and they study the paper together.]
Dorothy: You're spelling "hallowed" with a pound sign?
Toby: I was just thinking that.
[Toby and Dorothy shake their heads over the errors.]
Sam: Well, this is bad on so many levels.
--
SCENE FIVE
[Cut to Rose and Blanche walking down the hallway.]
Rose: I'm pretty sure that Toby Ziegler doesn't like us.
Blanche: Me too.
Rose: I think he's rude.
Blanche: Me too.
Rose: He thinks I'm dumb.
Blanche: Me too. [Rose shrugs this off.]
Rose: So, what are you going to do about your ex-boyfriend?
Blanche: Well, I'm going to have to confront him. I mean, I can't let the single, solitary rejection of my entire fantastic love life go unexplained.
Rose: Oh, I can't believe you.
Blanche: I know, it's hard to believe any man could reject me.
Rose: Well, I'm going back to visit with Donna. I'll catch up with you later.
[Rose continues down the hall. Blanche stops outside Leo's office.]
Margaret: Ma'am, you can't go in there!
Blanche: Honey, I'm going in and you can't stop me.
[Blanche marches up to Leo's door, but just as she reaches for the doorknob, Leo flings it open from the inside.]
Blanche: I could jump you right now.
Leo: I could kill you right now.
Blanche: My thing's more fun.
[She follows him into the office.]
Leo: After thirty years, you march in here and accuse me of breaking your heart?
Blanche: You did break my heart! You walked out of my life and never even told me why you were leaving!
Leo: You never gave me a chance. When I wrote to tell you I was transferring, you sent me a nasty letter and said you never wanted to hear my name again.
Blanche: Well, I was so furious about the way you abandoned me!
Leo: I tell you what. I'll take you out to lunch and explain everything.
Blanche: Why, Leo McGarry, are you asking me out on a date?
Leo: No, this is absolutely not a date.
Blanche: A man, a woman, and a restaurant – how is this different from a date?
Leo: There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the outing.
Blanche: Oh. Well, I'll go with you anyway.
[They smile at each other.]
Leo: Give me a half an hour to finish up here, then we'll be on our way.
Blanche: You know what the best part is? Before your offer of free food and no sex, all I was doing this afternoon was hanging around the White House.
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