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Homicide: Life on the Lanai
Violet & Cinnamon
TEASER
[Fade up on Detectives TIM BAYLISS and FRANK PEMBLETON, in the car on the way to a crime scene.]
Tim: No, no, Frank, you're not listening to what I'm saying.
Frank: What you're saying is nonsense. You're telling me that bad manners are responsible for violence.
[They pull up to the crime scene and park.]
Tim: I am saying that people aren't raised to be polite anymore. Good manners are what keep us civilized, Frank! Little things like saying "please pass the salt," that used to be so important, are dying out. Politeness is dead in America.
[The detectives get out of the car. The dead body of a young black man lies on the ground. Various uniform officers are about.]
Frank: No, this guy is dead in America. What have we got?
Uniform: Victim was shot several times with a semi-automatic weapon, my guess is a typical nine millimeter.
Tim: Another gangbanger.
Frank: Find any ID on the kid?
Uniform: He had a woman's purse in his hand. [The uniform hands Bayliss and Pembleton an evidence bag.] There's a Florida ID and a Medicare card in there, both with the name Sophia Petrillo.
[Frank looks through the plastic bag at the photo of SOPHIA.]
Frank: I think we can safely assume our victim is not a little, white-haired grandma from Miami.
Tim: Mm. I think we can safely assume he didn't ask politely when he snatched her handbag. [Frank rolls his eyes at this.]
Frank: Bag his hands and roll him.
[Cut to the interior of a plane. Detectives Bayliss, Pembleton, MELDRICK LEWIS, MIKE KELLERMAN, JOHN MUNCH, and Lieutenant GIARDELLO are seated on the plane]
Tim: You really think this sweet old lady is a suspect?
Frank: We don't know if she's a sweet old lady, Tim! We haven't even met her yet. All I know is, we found her identification at the scene of a homicide, and we're gonna go down to Miami and we're gonna find out what she knows!
Kellerman: So we're all -- all of us, practically the whole shift, including the Lieutenant -- going down to Florida at department expense to check out a minor lead on Bayliss and Pembleton's case?
Munch: Bayliss and Pembleton's non-redball, stone-cold-whodunit, dead drug dealer case.
Lewis: It does sound kinda hinky, Gee.
Gee: The bosses. You never know what they'll come up with.
Munch: Yeah. Next they'll be transferring in a beauty queen to work Homicide.
Gee: I wouldn't put it past them. Just enjoy the ride.
[OPENING CREDITS]
Theme song:
Thank you for taking the call
Travel out to where the victims fall
Your heart is true, you're a partner and a confidante
And if you threw a redball
Involving everyone you knew
You would see, the biggest clue would come from me
And the confession would say
Thank you for taking the call....
SCENE ONE
[Fade up on the Miami house. Cut to living room. ROSE NYLUND emerges from the kitchen, carrying a coffee mugs. She sits on the sofa and blows on the coffee. DOROTHY ZBORNAK and SOPHIA PETRILLO walk in the front door.]
Dorothy: Ma, I'm telling you, I have had it!
Sophia: Pussycat, would you calm down?
Dorothy: Calm down? Calm down?! You expect me to calm down?
Rose: What is it, Dorothy?
Sophia: Somebody forgot to take her Metamucil last night.
Dorothy: I took Ma shopping. On the way back from the mall, at a red light, she mooned the car next to us.
Rose: Sophia!
[Doorbell rings. Dorothy walks over and opens the door. It is her ex-husband, STANLEY ZBORNAK.]
Stanley: Hi, it's me, Stan.
[Dorothy shuts the door and walks to the kitchen. Doorbell rings again.]
Dorothy, yelling from the kitchen: Go away, Stanley.
Munch [sighs nostalgically]: Ahh, Stanley....
Frank: It's not Stanley, ma'am. Baltimore Homicide, open up.
[The girls gasp.]
Rose: Oh, my God! Somebody killed Baltimore?
[Dorothy walks to the door, followed by Sophia and Rose. She opens the door. Frank, Tim, Meldrick, Mike, John, and Giardello are standing outside. All show their badges simultaneously.]
Frank: I'm Detective Pembleton. This is Detective Lewis...
[Meldrick tips his hat.]
Frank: ...Detective Kellerman...
[Mike cracks his gum.]
Frank: ...Detective Bayliss...
[Tim gives a weak wave.]
Frank: ...Detective Munch...
[John gives a thumbs-up.]
Frank: ...and our esteemed Lieutenant, Al Giardello.
[Gee stands there, stone-faced.]
Sophia: Giardello, huh? Is that Sicilian?
[Gee breaks into a grin, and opens his mouth to speak, but Frank cuts him off.]
Frank: Which one of you is Sophia Petrillo?
[Dorothy stands behind Sophia and holds her protectively.]
Dorothy: Sophia is my mother.
Frank: Well, your mother is wanted in connection with the murder of Juju McGee.
Sophia: What are you gonna do, Detective? Read me my rights?
[Cue dramatic music. Fade to commercial.]
SCENE TWO
[Fade up where the last scene ended, as the detectives begin to file into the living room and the girls react to Frank's statement.]
Frank: We found a woman's purse at the scene of a homicide in Baltimore. Your mother's ID was inside. Now, we need to understand how it got there, and what connection she had with the... unfortunate... Mr. McGee.
Dorothy: This is ridiculous. My mother didn't kill anyone!
Frank: We have to investigate all possible leads, Ms. Zbornak.
[Sophia, Dorothy, and Rose look scared.]
Tim: Now, I'm sure we can clear this up easily. [He produces a photograph of the dead Juju McGee.] Do any of you recognize this man?
Rose: He looks kind of like someone I knew back in St. Olaf....
[Dorothy and Sophia groan automatically. Tim and Frank look interested.]
Rose: Yes, he looks just like Donnie Talbot, who used to work for Julius Heggenflecker. Julius ran the general store in town, and he was such a strange old miser. He never participated in any of the town festivals. Why, I remember one Watery Cheese Day when he refused to sell anyone false noses. Well, you can imagine it just spoiled the unveiling of the Watery Cheese statue entirely....
[Everyone looks bored. Frank throws an irritated glance at Tim, who seems engrossed.]
Rose: I'm talking too much, aren't I?
Frank: Well, actually, Mrs. Nylund....
Meldrick: Yes.
Tim [fascinated]: No, Frank. No. What Rose here has to say is very interesting. Please go on.
Rose: Well, why don't you come into the kitchen with me, and I'll tell you the rest of the story over one of my Honey Brown Maple Sugar Rice Krispies Logs?
[Tim eagerly follows Rose into the kitchen.]
Frank [shaking his head]: My partner.
Dorothy [shaking her head]: My roommate.
Frank: Munch, why don't you take Ms. Zbornak somewhere and talk with her? I'd like to interview Mrs. Petrillo separately.
Dorothy: We can go out on the lanai and talk.
Munch: Lanai?
Dorothy: Yes, the lanai.
Mike: A lanai. You know.
Munch: Lanai?
Dorothy: Lanai. Lanai!
Munch: What's a lanai?
Mike: It's one of those decks people have, behind the house, built low to the ground, you know?
Munch: Oh, a patio.
Dorothy: It's not a patio. If I meant patio, I would have said patio. It's a lanai!
Mike: It's a lanai, Munch.
Munch: Okay. Let's go out on this - lanai?
Dorothy: [exasperated] Lanai!
Munch: Whatever. Let's go.
[Dorothy and Munch exit.]
Frank: Mike, Meldrick, why don't you go help Mrs. Nylund in the kitchen?
Meldrick: Uh-uh. Did you hear that story she was telling?
Mike: I tried not to. I think we'll sit in on your interview, Frank.
Gee: I think I'll supervise as well. I have an... interest, let us call it... in any investigation that involves a fellow Sicilian.
Sophia: So you are from Sicily!
[Gee opens his mouth to speak but Frank interrupts him again.]
Frank: Mrs. Petrillo, we'd better get to the business at hand.
SCENE THREE
[Fade up in the house at night. Cut to the lanai, where Dorothy, Rose, Mike, Meldrick, Munch and Gee are sitting.]
Rose: Anyone for more coffee?
Mike: Oh, we'll get it, Mrs. Nylund.
[Mike and Meldrick stand.]
Mike: She's a nice lady.
Meldrick: Yeah, but she's nuttier than a fruitcake.
[They enter the living room. Frank and Sophia are sitting on the couch, Tim is in a chair.]
Frank: So you don't know Juju McGee?
Sophia: You've asked me that three times; you think we've been introduced in the last half hour? I don't communicate with the dead. Who do you think I am, Whoopi Goldberg?
Meldrick: Sounds like you've met your match here, Frankie.
Tim: Hey, are you guys heading for the kitchen? Can you bring me some more of that Rice Krispies Maple Syrup Honey Log?
[Mike and Meldrick walk into the kitchen. Meldrick starts another pot of coffee. Mike rummages through the fridge and pulls out a cheesecake.]
Mike: So do you really think that old lady whacked Juju?
Meldrick: I dunno, Mikey. She seems like a real firecracker.
Mike: She's 82 years old, Meldrick!
Meldrick: Calpurnia Church was no spring chicken neither.
Mike: Who?
[Mike walks to the counter. He takes two plates from the cupboard and two forks and a knife from the drawer. He places them on the table, then walks to the coffeepot and pours himself a cup. He takes a drink, makes a face, and spits it back into the cup.]
Mike: How many times do I have to tell you? Two! Two packets, Meldrick. See how light this is? This tastes like Earl Grey's sweatsocks!
[Back door slams shut, Blanche enters, glowing from a sexual encounter.]
Blanche: Girls, you'll never believe how flexible Mel Bushman is -- why, hello.
Mike: Ma'am.
Blanche: Call me Blanche.
[Blanche takes a minute to ogle Mike and Meldrick.]
Blanche: On second thought, call me yours.
[Munch bursts in.]
Munch: What is taking you guys so long?
[Blanche has her back to that side of the room, and she starts to turn around at the sound of a male voice.]
Blanche: Why, hello.
[Blanche stops dead in her tracks at the sight of Munch.]
Blanche: Oh, my God.
Munch: Blanche? Blanche Hollingsworth?
Blanche: I should have let Big Daddy shoot you when I had the chance.
Munch: Nice to see you, too, Blanche.
Blanche: What are you doing in my house, you - you - you louse?
Munch: I'm helping investigate a homicide, you - harlot!
Blanche: Cretin!
Munch: Hussy!
Blanche: Jerk!
Munch: Slut!
Blanche [gasps, shocked]: You - you YANKEE!
Mike: I take it you two have met.
[Blanche and Munch look at him in disgust as he licks cheesecake from his finger.]
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