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Homicide: Life on the Lanai
Violet & Cinnamon
SCENE FOUR
[Fade up in the living room. Frank is talking on the phone. Sophia is sitting on the couch and Tim is in the armchair.]
Frank [into phone]: What do you mean the report isn't back yet? ...Well, get through the backlog, then! This is important! ...Petrillo. P as in Purple, E as in Elephant... Yeah. Yeah. Call me back. [He hangs up the receiver and glares at the phone as if it had personally offended him.] Forensics says they haven't gotten around to running the prints on the handbag yet. It looks like we're going to be stuck here for a while.
[Munch storms into the room from the kitchen and stalks out the front door. Blanche follows a moment later, backing out of the kitchen while laughing with Lewis and Kellerman.]
Blanche: Don't go anywhere, boys! I'll be back in just a minute. [The door closes, and she turns.] Ohhhhh! I could just kill that man!
[Cut to the lanai, where Dorothy, Rose, and Gee are sitting.]
Rose: You know what I don't understand? Why did Baltimore send an entire squad of Homicide detectives down to investigate one case? And you know what else I don't understand? Why would you assume Sophia didn't just have her purse stolen? And you know what I else I don't understand?
Dorothy [irritated]: What, Rose?
Rose: I don't understand why you park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway!
Dorothy: Lieutenant, I must apologize for my roommate. She's a little worn out from the stress... of having to support the weight of her own head.
Gee: Perfectly all right. You see, Mrs. Nylund, I've discovered that it's best not to ask these kinds of questions. There are no answers, and the questions themselves only make life more complicated. Life should be savored like a fine wine, tasted slowly and made to last, because once it is gone it can never be recaptured.
Dorothy: How true.
Gee: It's something I learned on my trip to Italy.
Dorothy: Oh, you've visited Italy?
Gee: Picture it: Sicily. 1965. A young man journeys to the land of his father's ancestors, with his new bride beside him. Together, they discover the beauty of the Italian countryside, and cement their union by creating memories that will last a lifetime.
Rose: That's beautiful!
Gee: Good wine, wonderful food, a beautiful woman, and a long lazy meal while the sun sets over the Mediterranean. And for dessert... [Dorothy and Rose lean forward in their seats] ...Gelati. [They fall back into their seats as Blanche enters.
Blanche: Dorothy, can I see you for a minute?
[Dorothy steps aside with Blanche]
Blanche: I could kill him! I could just kill him, I hate him so much! What is he doing here?
Dorothy: Who on earth are you talking about?
Blanche: John Munch. What is that horrible, beastly man doing in my house?
Dorothy: He's one of the detectives from Baltimore that came to talk to Sophia. You mean you know him?
Blanche: You remember I told you I was engaged to another man when I met George?
Dorothy: It was Munch?
Blanche: Don't look at me like that, Dorothy, I was young.
Dorothy: Young and stupid!
Blanche: I was just going through a rebellious phase. All the boys I knew were part of society, and I wanted to meet someone who was... a rebel, an outsider. Someone who wouldn't be caught dead at a cotillion ball.
Dorothy: I understand. Every young girl goes through a phase like that. But... Munch?!
Blanche: From the moment we met, we had a wild kind of chemistry. You might not think it to look at him, but John Munch has certain... hidden talents, you might say. But he's also an arrogant, self-centered, unstable fool. That's why I was so quick to leave him for George.
Dorothy: Oh. I thought it was because you're in and out of beds faster than people with Medicare.
Blanche [shakes her head]: Now he's here in my house! I can't stand to see his face, Dorothy; what am I gonna do?
Dorothy: Blanche, I know it hasn't escaped your notice that there are quite a few attractive younger men among the detectives.
Blanche: Why, you're right. I must be a gracious hostess to those men, especially that Mr. Meldrick Lewis. He's clever and charming and handsome - he practically screams Blanche. At least, he will when I'm through with him!
Dorothy: There's a girl. Go have some fun.
[Blanche struts back into the house.]
Dorothy: Tramp.
[Cut back to the living room. Frank and Tim are still talking to Sophia, after having shown her a photograph of the purse in question.]
Sophia: I'm telling you, I haven't seen that purse before in my life. There's no way on earth it belongs to me. Look at this face! Would I lie to you?
Frank: I'm a Homicide detective, ma'am, everyone lies to me. [The phone rings. Tim picks it up.]
Tim [into the phone]: Detective Bayliss. Yeah. You found what? Are you sure? Well, that's - wow. Yes, yes, I'll tell him. [He hangs up and turns to Frank and Sophia.] They found shell casings at the scene with Sophia's prints on them. You were the one who loaded the gun that killed Juju.
[Dramatic music swells in the background.]
Frank: Mrs. Petrillo, I'm afraid we're going to have to arrest you.
[Cut to commercial]
SCENE FIVE
[Fade up on the living room. Dorothy, Sophia and Rose enter the house, all looking very tired. Rose flops into the armchair; Dorothy and Sophia sit on the couch.]
Rose: Boy, what a night.
Dorothy: You can say that again. You really lucked out, Ma, getting released on your own recognizance. You could have spent the night in jail.
Sophia: Can you believe it, Dorothy? I'm 82 years old, and I'm up for the murder of some man I've never even seen.
Dorothy: I know, Ma.
Sophia: All this time, I've thought that if I killed anyone, it would be Stanley. But this is scary, Dorothy. What if I go to jail?
Dorothy: You won't go to jail, Ma. You didn't do this. We're gonna get you the best lawyer money can buy.
Rose: Dorothy's right, Sophia.
Sophia: Johnnie Cochran? Can you get me Johnnie Cochran, Pussycat?
Rose: I don't know about you girls, but I'm famished. I'm gonna go have some of my Maple Brown Sugar Molasses Rice Krispies log. Do you want me to bring you some?
Sophia: No, it'd rot my dentures.
[Rose walks into the kitchen, sees Bayliss sitting at the table.]
Rose: Hi, Tim.
[Bayliss' mouth is full.]
Tim: [mumbles]
[Rose opens the fridge, closes it again.]
Rose: Have you seen my log?
[Bayliss downs an entire glass of milk.]
Tim: I, uh...I just ate the last of it, Mrs. Nylund.
Rose [cheerily]: Would you like me to make you another one?
Tim: Oh, I couldn't ask you to...but would you?
[Dorothy and Sophia enter the kitchen. Sophia sits down at the butcher-block island while Rose starts making her log and Dorothy opens the fridge.]
Sophia: What are you doing, Pussycat?
Dorothy: Oh, don't start with me, Ma.
Sophia: What are you talking about?
Dorothy: You always do this to me. Just me. No one else. Just your daughter.
Sophia: You're eating...chocolate mousse?
Dorothy: The same thing I eat every day, Ma. Cheesecake.
Sophia: Cheesecake.
Dorothy: What's wrong with cheesecake?
Sophia: It's so, you know... white-girl.
Tim: I like cheesecake.
[Blanche sticks her head in.]
Blanche: Can everyone come into the living room, please?
[Tim, Sophia, Dorothy and Rose enter the living room, where they see Mike, Meldrick, Frank, Gee and Munch.]
Blanche: Now, I know you all are trying to put Sophia in jail, but I'm from the South and pride myself on being a good hostess, so I insist that you stay here.
[Frank starts to protest.]
Blanche: I won't hear it, Mister. Now -- Sophia will sleep in Dorothy's room, so Mike and Meldrick, you can sleep in Sophia's room.
Sophia: But I wanted to sleep with Mike.
Blanche: Take a number, you old bat. Rose will stay in my room, so Frank and Lieutenant Giardello, you can have Rose's bed. Bayliss, I've set up an air mattress on Rose's floor for you.
Munch: What about me?
Blanche: Oh, you can sleep out on the lanai. Or in the trash can, for all I care.
Munch: Patio.
Blanche: Lanai!
[Blanche and Munch glare at each other while everyone else heads to bed. Cut to Blanche in her boudoir, wearing a red negligee and patting powder on her bosom.]
Rose: What are you doing, Blanche?
Blanche: I'm gonna go see why they call it Charm City.
[Blanche leaves her room, and knocks on Sophia's door and poses seductively. Kellerman answers from the other side.]
Mike: Who is it?
Blanche: It's me, Blanche Devereaux.
[Mike opens the door, sees Blanche, looks stunned.]
Meldrick: Mikey, what's goin'--whoa!
Blanche: Like I said, I pride myself on being a good hostess.
Mike: I'm gonna have to ask you something, Blanche.
Blanche: Your wish is my command.
Mike: You have to do everything I say.
Blanche: Well, there's nothing I won't do, but some things are gonna cost you extra.
Mike: I'm gonna have to ask you to go back to your own room.
Blanche [angrily]: Or what? You gonna read me my rights, Detective?
Mike: You have the right to remain silent.
[Mike shuts the door in Blanche's face.]
Blanche: Well, I never!
[Blanche storms into the living room, flicks on the lights, and sees Munch asleep on the couch.]
Blanche [sighs]: Johnny Munch.
[Munch wakes up, sits up, and puts on his glasses.]
Munch: Is this a nightmare, or did I die and go to Hell?
Blanche: Oh, I wish you would. And I thought I told you to sleep outside, with the other dogs.
Munch: Nice outfit, Grandma.
[Blanche wraps her robe around her body and Munch stands up.]
Blanche: You are hateful!
Munch: And you're nothing but a jezebel!
[Blanche slaps Munch; he slaps her back.]
Blanche: I hate you.
Munch: I loathe you.
Blanche: Are you as turned on as I am?
Munch: More.
[Blanche and Munch fall into a passionate embrace, and sink onto the couch.]
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