Chapter Five - It's an Ex-Parrot!

Spike held Dru upright lest she tumbled from her chair laughing so hard. He was doing little better himself. He was actually glad Gavin had managed tickets for this benefit party. The mages they were shadowing were sitting a good distance from them but that would change once the skits were over and the bar opened for business. The Monty Python performers were giving him something to think about other than his newfound womanhood. He was laughing so much that if he actually needed to breathe, he'd probably be in pain.

Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!He's f*ckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

Spike howled through the skits until a song ended it for him. He almost crushed a glass in his hand when the performers started singing,

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?

It's swell to have a stiffy.

It's divine to own a dick,

From the tiniest little tadger

To the world's biggest prick.

So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.

Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,

Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,

Your Percy, or your cock.

You can wrap it up in ribbons.

You can slip it in your sock,

But don't take it out in public,

Or they will stick you in the dock,

And you won't come back.

It did not help his mood in the least that Gavin and Drusilla went into hysterics over it and he could have done without them pointing and giggling at him. His soured mood remained until the performance was done and John Cleese to center stage.

"I want to thank you all for coming tonight. We had a great time performing for you and everyone hopefully has their complimentary tickets to go see our new movie, 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail,' but tonight is about more than shameless self-promotion." Cleese paused for the obligatory applause. "It's about helping our countrymen. As we all know the Birmingham Six and the Guilford Four were convicted of the combined deaths of nearly thirty people in last year's pub bombings." Cleese paused again for the uneasy rumblings in the crowd. The ten people who were recently convicted because of their IRA ties as the terrorists responsible had quite a lot of sympathy even among the English who weren't wholly convinced of their guilt. They only knew someone had to pay for the terrorism. "All the money raised by your ticket purchases and from the cash bar tonight goes to the families of the victims, many of whom are suffering some dire straits." Another pause for sympathetic murmuring. "So drink hearty. And so not to end on a bad note, we'll give you another song before the dancing starts. The lads and I will be around to sign autographs for those who like that sort of thing," Cleese said and they launched into 'The Lumberjack Song.'

"Come on, they're heading for the bar," Gavin said, getting up.

"Gavin, have you see your sister?" Spike asked, wobbling a bit after being off his heels for so long.

"No, she's not here," Gavin replied. His red eyebrows crept together like caterpillars. "Curious that."

"Planning darkness, pulling web strings all around us," Dru said, stumbling a bit, as her eyes went vacant seeing beyond the room.

Spike caught her, pulling her close. He brushed back her lovely hair. "What are you seeing, pet?"

Dru rubbed her face. "Not enough. Things aren't as they seem."

"There's an understatement, love." Spike had to refrain from kissing her, not ready to be stared at for being a 'lesbian.' He glanced around the room they had been shuttled into with its bar at the far side and the spacious dance floor in front of him. Finally he spotted someone he wanted desperately to kill. "See that scrawny git over there, Dru? Go see talk to him, see what he knows about this spell."

Dru looked at Ethan and his bright orange and yellow plaid suit and his fiercely orange turtleneck and stuck her tongue out. "Can't you?"

"I have to talk to that one." Spike pointed to the young man in a red and green plaid suit waiting for a beer at the bar.

"But I match him. We'll mesh and merge and all will be known," Dru said, patting her plaid skirt.

"There'll be no merging of anything with anyone, Dru," Spike warned and frowned. "And I can't talk to that Ethan blighter because he can't keep his hands off of me."

"That will make it easier for you," Dru argued. She stared at her mood ring with remained stubbornly black due to her lack of heat. "Why does it not show my many many moods?"

"You're cold, love. Maybe Ethan can warm you up," Gavin said and Dru gagged.

"Dru, pet, please, for me. You don't have to let him touch you, just talk to him," Spike wheedled.

Dru pulled a face. "Very well."

"She's out to make you suffer for blowing off her warning," Gavin said, heading through the crowd to where Giles was waiting on his beer.

"I know. How does Dru stand to be in heels all the time? This is miserable," Spike moaned.

Gavin shrugged. "Women are tougher than men."

"I'm beginning to understand that." Spike pushed his hands into the small of his back, stretching. "I'm going to have to do something very special for Dru when I'm back to myself, just because."

"You're such a romantic, Spike."

Spike snorted as he managed to push his way to the bar next to Giles. The young man's eyes were busy giving Gavin's glam get-up a wary once over. Gavin waved a little then pressed to the bar.

Spike rolled his eyes. "I can't take him anywhere."

"He's yours?" Giles asked, flipping back some of his long, feathery hair.

"Good Lord, no!" Spike shuddered.

"She doesn't have the right equipment," Gavin said then turned to the bartender. "Two pints of Guinness."

"Looks just fine to me," Giles replied, his eyes on Spike's bosom.

Spike pursed his lips. He'd be furious if he wasn't just as guilty of doing that himself. He couldn't count the times he'd be talking to Dru or even Darla and be focusing on their breasts. It wasn't helping that his gauzy blouse clung to his breasts, the nipples pushing out against the fabric. What galled the most was he'd have to play at really being a woman if he wanted to talk to this guy. Spike was beginning to be thankful for his dress. It beat the hell out of all the plaid leisure suits running around, thank you Bay City Rollers. "Thanks."

"Did I see you two at our party last night?" Giles asked, his fingers toying with the gold medallion that nestled against his chest hair. His shirt was opened to the navel, keeping him from suffocating under so much polyester. Spike noticed that unlike most Disco medallions this one was actually a powerful amulet.

Spike shook his head. "I was there but I don't think we met."

"Do you have a brother?" Giles' blue eyes finally flicked up to Spike's face.

"A twin," Spike said and heard Gavin smothering a laugh.

"Maybe it was him then." Giles took out a packet of fags and lit one. Seeing the look on Spike's face, he offered him one and lit it for him. "Did you enjoy the skits?"

"Yeah they were a blast," Spike said, taking a deep drag on his cigarette as Gavin pressed the beer into his hand.

"Weren't you with a red head last night?" Gavin asked.

Giles nodded, reaching out to touch the pale skin of Spike's neck. It took all the vampire had not to freak. "Yeah, Telyn. She couldn't make it tonight. Something came up."

"You don't seem too broken up about it," Gavin said, trying not to grin at Spike's discomfort.

Giles took a swig of his ale. "We're not exactly an exclusive couple and there's plenty here to distract a man." He shot Spike an appreciative look.

Spike tried to smile. At least he hoped it was a smile and not a snarl. He felt like crying or killing, whatever came first.

"I'm not sure she's the poetry type." Gavin put a hand on Spike's shoulder. "You were reading poetry to the red head weren't you?"

Giles' look turned slightly suspicious and Spike realized they weren't dealing with an idiot. He obviously was trying to place them more firmly in his mind. Of course with the type of parties this youth threw it would be hard.

"I think it's…romantic," Spike said, aiming for a more dainty draught of his ale than he was used to taking.

A smile touched Giles' perfectly-bowed lips. "I thought so. Telyn likes poetry so why not check her favorite poet out of the library."

"Oh, so it wasn't your book?" Gavin angled to learn more about the book and the spell, hoping he wasn't being too nosey.

"Donne's not really my type. I thought I'd be replacing that book for the library when Ethan got a hold of it. He's not always a fair rival," Giles said, fussing with the sleeve of his jacket.

Spike couldn't fathom why. Polyester couldn't be improved on no matter how much attention it was given. "Oh? Who's Ethan?" Might as well play along, he decided.

Giles pointed past Spike's shoulder with his cigarette. "The one over there talking to a brunette who's too good for him."

Spike looked, expecting to see Dru but was disappointed. He wondered where she had gotten off to. "That's a given just from the look of him."

Giles laughed. "Easy to spot, I know. Can I buy you another ale?"

Spike could drink the whole keg just to wash the last few days from his memory. "Sure it's for a good cause."

"I'm Ripper, by the way." Giles waved the bartender over.

"I'm Gavin and this is Chastity, but I'm pretty sure it's a misnomer." Gavin patted Spike's shoulder.

It took all Spike's strength not to clobber the demon. Instead he settled for laughing along with Giles while plotting Gavin's ass-kicking for a more private time.

"If that's the case, you ought to come to our party tomorrow," Giles said, his fingers traveling down Spike's arm.

Spike froze, knowing he couldn't kill this man yet, not without his cure. "Another one?"

Giles shrugged. "Different kind. Not full of…" he trailed off to see if anyone appeared to be listening in. "Magic," he added in a whisper.

"There'll be some, um, mood enhancers, right?" Gavin asked.

Giles nodded. "Plenty of those." He handed Spike a beer, giving his hand a little squeeze as he did. "Wow, your hands are really cold."

"Cold hands, warm heart," Spike said quickly, seeing that suspicious look returning. A mage could easily know what a vampire was. He preferred to remain stake-free. "Thanks for the beer."

"You're welcome."

"So more poetry reading tomorrow then?" Spike asked, smiling. Was he alluring or just scary?

"Let's just say more of what comes after the romantic foreplay, lots more," Giles replied with another speculative look at Spike's cleavage.

"Will I have to be worrying about your friend?" Spike asked, jerking a thumb back at Ethan's last location.

"Ethan? Who knows? I was really expecting something to happen to me after he had that book, I don't mind telling you," Giles said. "Frat boy mentality all the way."

"No booby traps?" Gavin asked and Spike tromped on his toes.

"No one was more surprised than me. Kind of made me feel bad about misjudging my friend for about a second or two." Giles snorted. "Would you like to dance, Chastity?"

Spike looked at the partiers dancing to the awful disco beat. He didn't feel like being lost in a tidal wave of sweaty bodies and polyester. "Maybe later. I'm sort of wondering where one of my girlfriends got off to. I really should go look for her."

"I know what you mean. Deirdre ran off to get everyone's autograph. Ethan and I will probably catch up to her sometime next week," Giles said, running a hand through his hair.

"Hey Ripper," a young man called out, coming up to them with the Asian girl from the party.

"Hey Thomas, Nami. Meet Gavin and Chastity," Giles said.

"Hi," Thomas said, holding onto Nami who looked a little drunk already.

She giggled and waved then started singing, "Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me. I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too. I love to hear you oralize, when I'm between your thighs; you blow me away!"

Giles and Thomas joined in with, "Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you. I'll sit on your face and let my love be truly. Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine, and we'll sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play,' Till we're blown away!"

"Come on. Let's party," Nami said, tugging on Giles' arm.

"Sure. Well, if I don't run into you later for that dance do be sure to come to our party tomorrow. It's guaranteed to expand your horizons," Giles said, giving Spike's hand another squeeze before heading in Ethan's direction.

Spike shook his hand as if trying to rid it of something disgusting. "Damn."

"I bet that's not all he's interested in expanding." Gavin couldn't hold in the laugh.

"No kidding. I need a shower with Comet and steel wool!" Spike shuddered.

Gavin snorted. "Oh, as if you haven't been more disgusting with strange women in your life."

Spike tugged on his belled sash. "Don't remind me."

"Bet Ripper'd let you sit on his face." Gavin grinned.

Spike chewed through the filter on his cigarette. "Not happening."

"You'll enjoy it…Chastity." Gavin jumped out of easy strike range.

"Chastity? I can't believe you called me Chastity!" Spike pushed through the crowd trying to spot Dru.

"It was the first thing that popped into mind. Can't have a woman named Spike."

"Why the hell not?"

Gavin ignored him, his head craning to follow the path of a delicate-looking blond young man.

Spike punched his arm. "Focus, Gavin."

"Why? Let's have a little fun." Gavin said, still watching the man's backside.

"We're not here to have fun. We're here to get a cure for me and to find that basket," Spike grumbled, not about to go through the pain of losing his new maiden's head to some horny demon-summoning mage. Turning down sex, Spike never thought he would ever do that.

"Well, I don't see Marta around to talk to her about the basket and you know who cast that spell," Gavin said.

"Yeah, Ripper's best buddy. That book was booby-trapped. What a sneaky way of making sure you get the girl. Turn your rival into one himself. Lucky me, I had to open the book first. Damn it all," Spike growled.

"Just flow with it Spike." Gavin gave Spike's shoulder a friendly shake. "You know who did it. You can beat the counter spell out of Ethan later. Have a little fun with this."

"And what do you suggest?" Spike stared angrily at the wall of the alcove the crowd had herded him and Gavin into. He didn't see an easy spot to break back into the flow of traffic.

"Come on, Spike. Go give your hairy growler a little tickle. That boy would probably take you around the world if you said you were interested." Gavin struggled to keep a straight face.

Spike growled, barely able to maintain his human look. "Have you gone insane? Why would I let a guy calling himself Ripper get a leg over on me?"

"Well, for one he's fairly attractive, nice ass. Think, Spike. You have a unique opportunity here. You can experience what it's like to be the opposite sex, fully and truly. Why waste it? Let him take a poke." Gavin said, appearing quite sincere which made Spike even more nervous.

Spike bristled, forcing his way back into the main dance hall. "I will not. I don't care what I look like. I'm not a woman."

"Afraid you might like it?"

Spike glared. "Not bloody likely. Get this straight, nobody is crossing that border. I have absolutely no attraction to men at all despite what this body looks like." He had had conversations like this with Angelus. His little family had been kinky. He liked that about them but ever so often Angelus threatened Spike with making him a woman to keep him in line. Spike was never sure if Angelus would try since he otherwise showed no signs of liking men. Spike was also unsure who would have won that battle had his grand sire tried it.

Gavin grunted. "Hope Dru's open to lesbian sex then."

"Die."

"You really should be nice to Ripper." Gavin fluffed his fiery curls. "Let him shag you and you can pay him back by turning him."

"How many times do I have to say it, no bloody way? It's always going to be no, no matter how drunk or high he thinks he's going to get me. What would I want with turning him anyhow?" Spike said then a thoughtful look settled on his face. "Then again, a vampire with strong magical powers would be an asset."

"Exactly. And that's the Watcher's son. Imagine what he knows."

Spike pursed his lips. "Now you tell me."

"So, you going to pole dance for him?" Gavin let the wide grin blossom this time.

"Quit with that." Spike slapped him when what he really wanted to do was pull his companion's tongue out and wear it as a tie. "No pole dancing but I might just turn him. Where the hell's Dru?"

"Probably decided Ethan was too slimy to talk to and ran."

"We'd better find her."

As they searched the crowd without luck, they ran back into Giles and a strawberry blonde who looked a little disappointed.

"Hi again, this is Deirdre. She'll be at the party tomorrow. Deirdre, this is Gavin and Chastity," Giles said.

"Nice to meet you. I have to go see if Cleese came back inside. I didn't get his autograph yet. Someone said they thought they saw him slipping away from the building with a little tramp in sequined plaid," Deirdre moaned.

Spike and Gavin exchanged looks.

"Haven't seen him sorry. Gotta run," Spike said.

"Hope to see you tomorrow," Giles said as Spike started plowing through the crowds.

He and Gavin broke through to the outside and started searching the little park around the building. They saw two shadows amongst the trees in the moon light and hurried that way. When they got close enough they saw Dru embracing a tall lanky man who was on his knees, his lips pressed to her wrist. He was still almost taller than the petite vampire.

"Oh hell. Dru, pet, what are you doing?" Spike asked. He was all for killing and mayhem but killing a celebrity was more exposure than he wanted at this point.

"I think she killed John Cleese," Gavin said.

Dru looked over her shoulder at them, shoving Cleese's body aside. His blood-ringed lips hit the loam. "He made me laugh and soar. I want to keep him forever."

"Oh great. Just what the world needs, a comedian vampire," Spike grumbled. "Let's go, Dru. We don't want to be here when they find the body."

Dru pouted. "But I want to keep him."

"We'll find him when it's time for him to revive. Let's go before we have to kill a lot of people to get away," Spike said.

"You used to like killing." Dru gave him a wounded look.

"I still like killing, pet, but this isn't the time for it. I'm not having to flee London until I am a man again."

Dru relented and they headed back for the building. They saw Giles and his friends leaving in a hurry, packing into a VW bus.

"What's up with that?" Spike said. "They look like they're on alert."

"I have no idea. I'll contact Marta tomorrow. Maybe it has to do with whatever detained my sister," Gavin said.

"I don't want to spend another night as a woman," Spike whined piteously.

"I don't think that can be helped."

"Bloody hell!"