THE HARD WAY-- By S.A.M.R.
I closed the door to my bedroom and walked over to the dresser, where pictures of you and me sat.My gaze fell upon one particular picture of us, that day at the beach.I am sure you remember that day.It was the day when i finally told you how i felt.How i really felt about you.You took it hard, as i knew you would.But you saw the pain in my heart as i told you and you comforted me.Like a true friend.You didnt judge me,just because of my feelings for you.You just hugged me and told me that no matter what,you would always be my friend.My heart, that day, ached terribly, but you knew just how to comfort me.I am glad that i told you how i felt.I am glad that we are still friends.How i still love you today, twenty years after that day, i could never show you.Today, however, you gave your heart to another.To Syaoran.I watched as you gave your deepest love to him in front of me, in front of everyone in the church... I am happy for you, i really am.Just knowing that you are happy makes me happy.But...but my heart aches deeply to see you with Syaoran.I now know that we can never be together like i had always dreamed we would be.
I turned away from the pictures and flopped face down onto my bed, holding Takashi, the little teddy bear you gave me for my twelth birthday, close to me.I began to sob.Tears trickling down my nose and hitting noiselessly on the pillow.I cried for ages:not out of sorrow of losing you, but the tears of happiness, knowing that you had found someone who could make you as happy as i had when we were in elementary school together.
How i remember that day Syaoran came into your life.You had told me that you had had a dream about him the night before and,just as Mr. Terada had us settled in our seats, he introduced Syaoran to us...to you.I can still see the ange in Syaoran's eyes when i came around the school building later that day and found you both fighting over the Clow Cards.At first neither of you got along very well, especially when you both were trying to Seal the Thunder Card.But, as time went by, you both learned to work together to capture the elusive Clow Cards.You seemed closer to eachother somehow, like the Cards had brought you together.Even when Meilin arrived to help Syaoran capture the Cards, i knew that Syaoran would not be swayed by her intentions of having him for herself.No...i knew then that you and Syaoran had formed a deep, special bond that you and i could never have.
But...i never once thought that the two of you would marry eachother.And that brings me back to why i am crying in my pillow, hearing the rain hit the windows.A dark and rainy day.It suits how i am feeling right now. How can i live without you by my side any longer, my dear sweet Sakura?I owe you so much...ever since you gave me that eraser, which i still have kept safe,i have felt that i owe you a debt that i can never repay to you.I can start to repay you by giving you this ring that Eriol gave to me so many years ago...it is a start, at least...
But now i must do what i know i must do.Do not try to follow me, just remember me in your heart as i know you will.I love you, Sakura. now and forever... I rolled off the bed, wiping the tears from my eyes and picked up a small steak knife that was lying on the dresser.Placing the blade to my left wrist, i felt the tears stream down my facem hot salty tears that rolled off my chin and fell onto my neck.
The blade was cold, menacing.I thought of it as a way to escape.Escape the pain of losing the one person who meant more to me than my own life.
I cut deep, running the blade into my pale skin and fell to my knees. i had not expected it to hurt so much...I switched hands and sliced into my other wrist, dropping the knife immediately after doing so.Quickly, the blood pooled around me and i could see my reflection in the bright red blood that was already beginning to stain the grey carpet.I lay down, in the puddle of blood and turned my head, barely able to see the picture of you and me at the beach, that day twenty years ago.Through the pain, i managed a small smile.I closed my eyes and relaxed my body and i waited for the darkness to consume me...
To Be Continued...home Part Two