Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It is a quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good times and bad. It settlesbfor less than perfection, and it makes allowances for human weakness. Love is content with the present; it hopes for the future and doesn't brood over the past. It is the day-in-and out chronicals of irritations, small disappointments, big victories, and common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have love, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.
Ann Landers
What is love? People have been trying to decide this for many centuries. Is it what the "fairy tales" and love songs would have us believe? Are romance novels, magazines, T.V. and movies correct in their portrayal of love? Do our parents play a role in how we perceive love between two consenting adults? I have come up with a theory that works for me, try it on for size and see how it fits. Please note that I am speaking here of love between two people which usually leads to sexual intimacy and permanant bonding of some kind.
Often when we are first discovering our sexual natures, it is difficult for us to leave stage 1 love with another person, this is not to say it doesn't happen, but our maturity level in adolescence and early adulthood makes it very difficult to separate the sensations from the feelings. People in stage 1 are usually restless and unable to maintain a stable association with another person. They are most likely to cheat on their supposed partner and not feel guilty about it because "it's only fooling around." It is important to note that it is not necessary to have any contact whatsoever to be infatuated with another person. Thinking about them or holding their hand is often enough.
Stage 2 comes quickly after the first stage, which is that "magical walking on air" feeling where our lover can do no wrong and we are at peace and harmony with everyone all at once. Of course this is the "fairytale love" that most romance novels, movies, T.V. shows all portray on a regular basis. Most people don't realize that this is not the end all of love. In fact, without moving into stage 3, this feeling fades quickly and many people begin to think that they are no longer in love with that person. The "cute" things that we used to adore become annoying and we begin to have desires of trying to change that person to better meet our needs, this is a fallacy and a dangerous one. Additionally, people will do anything to bring that "magic feeling" back, this coupled with the desire to change that person through some form of force or manipulation to better fit our supposed happiness and needs spells doom for the two involved with one another, following this path inevitably they think that the love has failed. People in stage 2 may cheat, but usually it's to try and "spark" that feeling that seems to have gone out of their mutual association. They are more likely to try and force or manipulate their associate to change to fit their expectations.
Many people never get past stages 1 or 2. They linger in associations with people because it is too painful to break them off. They would rather "beat a dead horse" rather than bury it and move on. It seems they rationalize their remaining in a loveless association by saying to themselves: "it is easier to be with this person whom I don't love rather than risking it all over again and being alone." Or they have gotten themselves in so deep with children, debt, and responsibilities that they feel they cannot get out. People who cannot get themselves out of stage 1 or stage 2 often end up angry, possessive, bitter, jealous, spiteful, violent, and hurtful. These are major causes of co-dependence and they are always warning signs that the association is unhealthy and not working.
When at the end of stage 2 people make a conscientious effort to communicate how they are feeling and what is happening to each of them, then they can cross over to the third stage of love: Relationship Love. It is very difficult to make it to this stage, I suspect many people never make it here. Only with stage 3 love do mature adults find that they don't have to give up on stages 1 and 2. However, if they want the "whole enchilada," they have to learn how to be less selfish and willing to work at a long-term relationship. What happens is that their feelings for this other person become so strong that making them happy inevitably fufills them and makes them happy as well. It is this voluntary desire to meet the other partners happiness and needs that seperates Relationship Love from Romantic Love. If we get stuck in Romantic love, we seek to manipulate or force our lover into doing what we need, but in Relationship love, that person accepts their partner for who they are and will actively seek and strive to meet their partner's needs on their own without any coercion. With this comes the implied responsibility of communicating regularly with that person so we know how to accomplish their happiness, and that the other person also takes this responsibility just as seriously as we do. Nobody is saying that this is perfect, people in Relationship Love can fall out of love as any other stage, but if they make it this far, they have a better chance than do people in the other two stages. People in Relationship Love have given to themselves and to each other permission to grow closer while enjoying all the benefits of all three stages. There is no room in Relationship love for jealousy, bitterness, spite, or possessiveness. By this time the people involved in the relationship should be able to communicate and relate in such a manner that there is no need to resort to such things. In Relationship love, we're willing to take a stand and have staked a large part of ourselves into the success or failure of the relationship. This brings a dimension, value and strength to the relationship that the previous stages lack. It is my contention that Relationship love is the only love upon which a lifelong partnership can be built, anything else is just not stable enough.
It has been my experience that love comes in many shapes and sizes. It is difficult to watch others go through these stages and bail out before they reach the ultimate goal of love: bringing two people closer together than they possibly could be alone. Sex can feel really good in stages 1 and 2, but it is something so much more if the two people involved can make it to stage 3. This is the difference people are talking about when they say they "make love." I think most people have to go through enough first and second stage associations before they realize that there is more to love than a rise in their loins and a powerful feeling in their hearts; this lesson comes at the price of being hurt a few times. Some people give up altogether after this and figure love is worthless. I don't believe it is so. Relationship love is more rewarding because it takes hard work, not in spite of it. Things we work for are always more valuable than those things we "walk into." It is so important to seperate love from the "fairy tales" we were indoctrinated with when we were younger, (and are continiously bombarded with by the media) and take the time to learn what it really means to be "in love" with someone. The fact is, love is work. Once this is known and understood, then we can enjoy the love stories and love songs without wondering if we are missing the point.