1. Instead of expensive score cancellations, they should just offer students a loaded pistol and a small, soundproof room and say, "You have five minutes to complete your final section. Do not use more than one bullet."

2. Dirty dancing. It'd be hard to grade, but the 'Sassy Socialist' would just be too good not to see.

3. Limbo. I'm not talking about the dance.

4. At the end of the test, you get to draw insulting caricatures of your proctor on the back of your answer sheet.

5. Visits from a mascot called 'Sophomore Standing Stan,' who has thick glasses and a problem talking to girls.

6. A nice game of 'Make a Rude Noise and Blame it on the Foreign Kid.'

7. Somehow manage to incorporate the words 'Feculent,' 'Bloated,' or 'Pus-filled' into every sentence in your essays.

8. Stuff your #2 pencil in your pocket when one proctor enters and another leaves. Ask for a new one every time this happens, and by the end of the test, you'll have enough to build an authentic model of a log cabin.

9. No matter the prompt, let every essay end in a discussion about how loudly your aunt Agatha eats soup.

10. Before the test, and when the proctor isn't looking, hide a cell phone behind a cabinet and have a friend call every four minutes. Be sure that the ring is 'baby elephant walk.'

11. Spend an entire essay discussing whether or not Hitler actually knew about that gross little patch of hair under his nose.

12. If both Stalin and Minh are preserved in their coffins, could they ever take them out and have a tea party? Sorry, that's not advice, but I'm just wondering.

Good luck, everybody!

--dr. monocle

noo, don't make me go to class
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