(WARNING!!! Some of these jokes may be offending. Some of you may not like their content. If so please leave now or skip them! If you can handle them, READ ON!!!)   

*SOTALLY TOBER*

starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

  Bumper Stickers From Around the World

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone
up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue
you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot
them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your
lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill
your drink.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May
    I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Ooh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a
    bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe
    into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall     walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,"Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what
    am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
    cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors
    Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you
    can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a
very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she
reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat
and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket,
not your stub."

    Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a
surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born,
they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and
screaming. One, over in the corner is smiling serenely. A nurse
comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as
theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we
take the pacifier out of his ass."

   Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little
baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital,
the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their
new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise
crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk
with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now,
son...that poor baby was born without any ears." I want you to be on
your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really
going to spank you when we get back home.
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the
neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the
baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful
little baby!"
The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little
feet. Why...just look at his pretty little eyes...Did his doctor say he
can see good?
The Mother said, "Why, yes .. His doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell
can't wear glasses!"

Prison Vs. School

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time at a desk that sticks to your butt
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT SCHOOL you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT SCHOOL you get rewarded for good behavior by being called the teachers pet.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT SCHOOL u get locked out of your classroom from the outside
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT SCHOOL you get detention for playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT SCHOOL you have to share and wait your turn on line.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT SCHOOL you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.