Nick’s blue eyes slowly swivelled from one old woman to the next. The first one, the one he had awoken in bed with, was plump and well… ugly. The newcomer was tall and wiry with a hooked nose and a black, battered hat rested on her head. She was ugly as well.

Why did Nick suddenly feel like the little child who had wondered into the gingerbread house?

He stared fearfully at the two witches, praying that if he was eaten, he would at least be covered in a decent brand of sauce, maybe even chocolate if he was a very lucky…

“How did he get here, Gytha?” the second witch, who had been referred to as Granny Weatherwax, said accusingly.

“I can’t remember! I must ‘a been a little tipsy last night! He’s a pretty boy though! I don’t mind having him in me bed to keep me warn at night!”

Her eyes turned towards Nick and he instinctively cringed away and slid down to the floor to curl himself up into a protective ball. He really did mind if she wanted him to keep her warm at night. His eyes travelled about the bedroom and he shuddered when they reached the large bed with the patchwork quilt.

Granny Weatherwax strode towards him and towered above him like some ancient tree while she scrutinised his appearance. She seized his face viciously in one hand and tilted it to face her, squeezing his cheeks so that his lips puckered up. “He’s not from here, he’s from another world! How did you get here?”

How had he got here? Nick sure as hell didn’t remember agreeing to come home with an old woman! Surely he would have noticed if he was kissing that in a nightclub, even if it was dark! And the how the hell had he ended up in bed with her?

He really did not want the answer to that question…

“Umm shh shh mnnm!” Nick said, unable to form words of any intelligence while his face was gripped so hard.

“Well you’re useful aren’t you!” Granny Weatherwax shrieked as she released his face and pushed his head down. “Stay there and stay still! Try and run and I’ll turn you into a mouse and feed you to Greebo!” Here she pointed to the strange, black feline in the corner which was trying to hump a tea cosy at present.

Nick did not dare reply and merely nodded. He stared down at the floor, noticing the interesting wooden cracks that split across its surface. He glanced up and saw that Greebo the cat’s eyes were fixed upon him. He eyed the tea cosy and then safely tucked his legs beneath him.

“’e has to go!” Granny Weatherwax said. “’e doesn’t belong here. His presence is disruptin’ the magical field of the disc!”

“Oh Esme! Let me keep him! He can be me fourth husband! He’ll get on well with my son Jason. They’re about the same age!”

Marriage? That would mean a honeymoon and Nick did not want to even think about that! His fingers wound their way behind him and began to scratch along the wooden floor as if they could scrape through and form an escape route. He’d rather marry Brian or AJ than this hag…

Wait a minute… he’d rather marry a man than a woman? Strange what desperation can lead the mind to think but then again, he wasn’t sure if Gytha could be described as a woman… or even human come to think of it.

Brian would definitely have been the better choice, even if he did have a thing for Chihuahuas…

‘Why the hell am I thinking about marrying Brian? He’d look like a freak in a wedding dress!’

“He can’t stay here!” Granny Weatherwax said as she folded her arms determinedly.

“Can I just - ” Nick began hesitantly, desperate to know where he was.

“No you can’t so sherrup!” Granny Weatherwax said without even turning to look at him. “Gytha, ya can’t keep ‘im! Ya don’t know where he’s been!”

Nick shuddered at the thought of where he had already been… He would never be able to sleep again now.

“Where did I - ”

“I told you to sherrup!” Granny Weatherwax said.

“Well I want to ask a question!” Nick said, sounding like a desperate child. No one ignored him and got away with it. Kevin had learnt that one the hard way when he had poured cola all over the older man’s head when he had blanked Nick.

“Well go on then!” she screeched, almost impressed by the attitude of the ‘thing’ before her (oh and Nick could tell that he was definitely a mere ‘thing’ by the way she looked at him. Almost like he looked at a slug on the bottom of his shoe… Gytha however was staring at him like she wanted to… wait, you don’t wanna go there!!!!)

Nick took a deep breath. “Where am I?”

Granny Weatherwax’s eyes narrowed. “Lancre,” she said. “On the Discworld. I am Esmerelda Weatherwax, however you may call me Granny Weatherwax. This is Gytha Ogg.” She pointed to the plump witch who waved and blew him a kiss. “You may call her”

“Anything you want!” the witch chimed in.

“GYTHA OGG!” Granny Weatherwax said. “Stop imagining him with no clothes on at once and stop licking your lips like that!”

Nick instantly wrapped his arms about his chest to try and prevent her from imagining what lie beneath the thin fabric of the black t-shirt.

Granny Weatherwax coughed. “You may call her Nanny Ogg,” she instructed.

“Yes sir,” Nick replied instantly. “Uh, I mean Granny Weatherwax!” he hurriedly added as he saw the dark cloud sweep across the old woman’s crooked features.

“You learn quick,” Granny Waetherwax commented.

“I’m a fast boy,” Nick replied.

“Oh I’m sure you are,” Nanny Ogg crooned. “And just you wait till Nanny teaches you some of the tricks she knows for making a woman - ”

“GYTHA!!”

“Sorry, Esme, but he’s so good lookin’!” Nanny Ogg apologised.

And in that moment Nick would have killed for ugly looks as he felt his stomach turning twisted somersaults inside of him as it tried to eject everything it contained.

He gulped to clear his dry mouth. “I – I’m Nick,” he offered, as he slowly clambered to his feet, trying to ignore the way Nanny Ogg’s eyes homed in on the lower part of his body admiringly.

Okay… he was really going to vomit soon… Now he knew how Howie had felt when that old woman had come onto him in a Florida bar. Nick had laughed so much he had fallen over, until a man offered him a dance.

“Did I ask for your name?” Granny Weatherwax snapped as her eyes glared at him, realising that he now towered above her instead of it being the other way around.

“Uh, no?”

“Well sherrup then!”

Meekly Nick slid back down to his former cowering position on the wooden floorboards. Where were Brian and the others? If he had Brian with him now, he could feed him to these old women and then run for the door and (hopefully) freedom.

“’e has to go. He’s not from around here. Probably doesn’t even know we’re witches.”

“Well, the black pointy hat kinda gives it away,” Nick chirped up. Granny Weatherwax glared at him. “Yeah I know,” Nick said. “’Sherrup.’”

Granny Weatherwax nodded in satisfaction. “He has a different field about him. It aint right.”



Note: All people have a Magical field which surrounds them. People such as witches and wizards can see these fields and make judgements about a person.



“He aint Elfish either so we don’t need to worry about those little buggers again. I don’t know where he’s from,” Granny Weatherwax continued.

Nick wasn’t from this place, he knew that instantly, but how had he gotten here?

Granny Weatherwax prodded him with a stick she seized from the corner of a room. “You, Dick,” she said.

“Nick.”

“Whatever. Are there more of you?”

He nodded. “I have four friends.”

“Someoen’s a busy boy,” Nanny Ogg said.

“They’re guys,” Nick said faintly, thinking of his four friends. Where were they? What if he never saw them again? He still hadn’t gotten AJ back for putting toast crumbs in his bed.

“Oh…” Nanny Ogg seemed at a loss for words. “Oh, well why didn’t you tell me you were that way inclined before you climbed into me bed?”

“What? I’m not gay! And I didn’t climb into your bed you - ”

“You’re not gay? Well then boy, that’s good news because I want to - ”

“He is going home!”

“Please!” Nick begged.

“We need to find your friends,” Granny Weatherwax said. “I suspect bad consequences will arise if you remain here much longer or”

Suddenly the ground began to tremble, Nick could feel the vibrations travelling through the walls of the house. He jumped to his feet in alarm as the quivers started to run through his body and stared about him nervously. “Is that an earthquake?” he asked.

Then it stopped. All three of them were motionless for a second, as if waiting for the shaking to begin again but the house was silent, apart from Greebo the cat as he reacquainted himself with the tea cosy.

Granny Weatherwax glared at Nick. “This is your fault! The Disc is falling apart because of your presence here!”

“What? Me? What did I do?”

“You came here! You don’t belong in this world! Ya look different, ya talk different, ya act different and ya smell different.”

“Huh?” Nick said glancing down at his leather pants and black t-shirt. Smell. He resented that? He didn’t smell… He sniffed under his arms, well not much anyway.

“You, home now!” she gave him another poke with the stick.

“I don’t know how to get home!” Nick protested. If he did, then he would have gone the second he clapped eyes on Nanny Ogg.

“You can stay here hunky chucks,” Nanny Ogg said smiling at him. “It’ll be nice to have someone to keep me warm. It’s s’always cold up ‘ere in the winter.”

Nick looked at Granny Weatherwax imploringly. “Please, take me home! I want my friends back!”

Granny Weatherwax nodded. “I know just what we can do. Gytha!” she snapped to Nanny Ogg, who leapt to attention. “We need to take him to the Dancers!”

Dancers? Now that sounded a hell of a lot better than these old witches!!

“The Dancers?” he asked.

“Stones,” Nanny Ogg said knowledgeably.

“Magical stones that form a circle. We can use them to send you home,” Granny Weatherwax said simply.

“Oh,” Nick replied, trying to hide his disappointment. He doubted if these stones had long legs to stare at.

Granny Weatherwax gave him a prod with her stick and then motioned for him to step out of the room. Nick gladly did so, secure in the knowledge that he would hopefully never see Nanny Ogg’s bedroom again.

Granny Weatherwax now pushed past him and he followed her down a narrow flight of stairs, trying to ignore the various stockings and suspenders that were hung over the stair rails and the images of Nanny Ogg that they brought to his mind.

Nanny Ogg followed behind him and Nick froze as he suddenly felt pressure upon his butt as two fingers eagerly squeezed one of his cheeks. He spun around and stared at Nanny Ogg in horror, but she merely smiled at him, revealing the gaps in her yellow teeth.

He hurried forward, careful to keep well ahead of the vulgar Nanny Ogg. Once down the stairs, Granny Weatherwax flung open the front door and Nick felt a whimper of relief escape his lips as he saw the bright sunlight flooding through the door. He was safe…

Suddenly he felt Nanny Ogg’s hand giving his butt a friendly slap. His muscles immediately tensed and he spun around in annoyance. “Would you quit that?” he snapped.

“Just testing how firm you are!” Nanny Ogg said, giving him a wink.

“I assure you that - ”

“Gytha, stop harassing him and as for you Dick - ” Granny Weatherwax said.

“Nick!”

“Whatever. Don’t encourage her!”

“I’m not encouraging her! She was - ”

“And Sherrup!”

BACK

NEXT